Relationship I Can't Seem To Get It Right

[Tinyflame]

I wish you both the best @broken brain , sincerely.

 

[Powder]

Just a couple of things I noticed were that Broken Brain just started EMDR. From what little I know about EMDR, that can be a time of increased sensitivity, sometimes to a much greater level.

It could be that the timing of things matters more here than is being discussed. I would think that getting into a relatively new relationship and starting EMDR (especially if for the first time) would be quite stressful for someone with PTSD and betrayal trauma.

Her feeling angry and needing space is an emotion that all this change is likely activating. Anger is part of the hyper arousal and is not listed in the DSM, but I think most therapists view emotion less as "caused" by something you did and more of a kind of level of arousal. I'm linking a chart to illustrate what I'm trying to convey. This isn't the chart I'm referring to, which is in a communication text but it is similar in that emotions toward the bottom are in a depressed/down/flat state and the ones toward the top are in an excited/activated/up state.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Lövheim_cube_of_emotion.jpg

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you both as a tool to use in thinking about relating to one another. Some eggshell walking or "sugarcoating" is a communication tool to avoid constant conflict, but too much means communication is not flowing either way.

I hope you both can reach a place of communication and agreement on if you want to keep trying to "get it right," which will take years. She may not "feel" like she trusts you ever. For me it took ten years to learn to "feel" trust, which was a first in my life and felt actually quite alarming, if I'm honest.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess that's what I'd like to say to @broken brain too, I am sorry. I think (hope) you will find supportive people here. What I hate about posts is that only one side is heard. The conclusion I draw is, ptsd is pretty much all-encompassing-and-then-some, as Muse said, at times and especially when delving-deep (eg EMDR). Your bf cares and screwed up, but up to you as to how or 'if' he can fix that, and that the 2 of you hopefully don't give up trying, and speak together.

 

[tsadlerj]

I agree with @Meadowsweet . I did look briefly at the other thread, and realize the poster responded to it. But your gf's response was something like 'we both agree we love bacon', not "OMG- we are posting on the same forum". I can't quite make that leap in understanding.

Good luck to you both.

The "I love bacon" quote was something between me and her that we would only understand but trust me when I say it put a smile on my facec

I agree with @Meadowsweet . I did look briefly at the other thread, and realize the poster responded to it. But your gf's response was something like 'we both agree we love bacon', not "OMG- we are posting on the same forum". I can't quite make that leap in understanding.

Good luck to you both.

The "I love bacon" comment was some what of an inside thing that only the two of us would get, and it was a good thing. When I read it I immediately smiled. We are working through this and both learning along the way.

With that in mind, I am going to have to agree with her that there do seem to be a lot of judgmental assholes on here considering what kind of website this is meant to be. When I asked for help I wasn't looking for validation of whether or not I was right or wrong. I was looking for help in understanding how someone with PTSD processes things. Of course everyone is different but people like @Muse and especially @Justmehere have given me some great advice and have been a huge help. I can't thank you enough.

Some others, not so much.

Some people have even questioned our intentions on this site, like we are some kind of trolls. We never claimed to both "find this site". My girlfriend found this site and thought it might be a useful tool for me to reach out to others in the same position as me, and for me to learn. When I started this post and she started hers, we weren't together. I was at work and she was at home. The fact that she also started a thread talking about the same thing helped to put me at ease a little bit. It was at a time when our communication had broken down, and it helped ease my mind knowing that she was looking for help with the same issue. After all, isn't that what this site is all about?

 

[Justmehere]

@tsadlerj - be careful about not name calling people here. Asking for advice and telling people they are incorrect is ok but calling them assholes is not. People should not have called you trolls, and your biting back and name calling isn't gonna help. Some folks just didn't understand and inside jokes in a public setting while making jokes that not everyone is in on the joke - makes people feel awkward in the best of circumstances. You were asking for advice and then clearly posted an I love you message just for her and she responded in a message just for you but ya'll did it in a thread asking for public advice. That exchange would have been better done privately. We all make mistakes.... don't call my friends assholes, ok?

 

[tsadlerj]

I hear you @Justmehere . That's why I didn't specifically point anyone out by name, but I suppose I shouldn't have said it at all and I'm sorry. It just hurt having people question our intentions and whether or not we are real or just trolling the board.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for being willing to hold back the name calling.

I'm not seeing anyone here call you trolls, just asking for clarification and more info to understand and then giving you honest and frank feedback from their perspectives based on the limited info they have.

I might be missing something though. If someone did judge you for their assumption you are trolls, yeah, that would hurt and isn't ok either. I hear ya. It hurts when people assume my intentions are bad when they are not.

As for the rest, this site has people from all over the world and all walks of life. You're going to get a lot of really diverse reactions and opinions in response to any situation. That's part of what's really neat about it. It's up to you and your girlfriend to take what fits, consider the rest with an open mind, and shrug off what doesn't fit for you.

I'm glad you and her and talking and working through things together!