Do You Care What Your Therapist Looks Like?

[katiekat]

I appreciate all of your input. I think the thing that is really a factor is not getting a female who is close to my age because I think what I need is a motherly sense of comfort as opposed to a "friend" type of comfort when dealing with trauma caused by neglectful parents/mother. I don't think I'm over thinking it any more than a female who was victimized by a male not wanting to see a male therapist. Does that make sense?

 

[dnp]

I always get assigned to a female therapist if there's an intake person. This time I'm going to try a male and see how it goes.

 

[Hashi]

@katiekat I think I do understand what you mean.

My point would be that to find a motherly sense of comfort, I would look first at their therapeutic approach and their personal approach, how they respond if you talk to them about wanting that motherly-type comfort, and how you feel about them when you talk on the phone or have an initial meeting.

My history actually makes me strongly resist any idea of motherly support, and despite that I've had all sorts of transference and feelings of my therapist being the mother I would have wanted - even though she was younger than me. What I was responding to was her caring and compassion. One reason I chose her was because of her type of therapy, which includes being very compassion-based - not all therapies are. Not all therapists are, whatever their age.

Do you know what therapeutic approach(es) are available and what you might prefer? Do you know what you're looking for in a therapist in terms of their training, experience, approach, their way of communicating, whether they allow contact outside sessions, their beliefs about trauma and recovery? Do you have an idea of the things that would be a big plus for you in a therapist and the things that would be a big minus? What I'm trying to get at is that I think considering those things and basing your search around them is the most important thing.

In terms of a therapy relationship, I think gender is a little different. I could explain more but I think it would be a bit off topic.

If you have a lot of trauma therapists to choose from, if you can shortlist on your preferred age range and still find the type of therapist with the type of approach you want, then it isn't an issue. I don't have a sense from what you write of any other things that you're basing your search on. Perhaps, though, you've thought a lot of other things through and I'm just not aware of that.

 

[ellienad]

I think it's natural to "judge a book by it's cover" when looking for a therapist, or any other professional for that matter. Especially when a photo is the first thing you see (psychologytoday's therapist finder, for example).

Personally, I definitely had a preference for female versus male. I tend to open up to women easier, and due to the nature of my trauma, I felt there was no way I would be able to talk about it with a male. But I think this is really specific to each and every person...

I would say trust your gut. If you're feeling drawn towards one particular therapist, certain look, or age, then go with it. Don't over think it too much :)

 

[desiderata310]

*shrug* as long as that person doesn't look like the person who hurt me it's all good.

 

[joeylittle]

@katiekat
My point would be that to find a motherly sense of comfort, I would look first at their therapeutic approach and their personal approach...Do you know what therapeutic approach(es) are available and what you might prefer? Do you know what you're looking for in a therapist in terms of their training, experience, approach, their way of communicating, whether they allow contact outside sessions, their beliefs about trauma and recovery? Do you have an idea of the things that would be a big plus for you in a therapist and the things that would be a big minus?

I wanted to encourage you to re-read this portion of @Hashi 's post, above (edited for length); things like providing nurturing and comfort are going to be so directly tied to what they believe about the work and the way in which they work that you cannot really separate those values out simply by gender or age. We are affected by appearance, of course; however, once you've gone through a few sessions, appearance isn't quite as relevant, whereas therapeutic style is always relevant.

I didn't learn that I couldn't work with a motherly nurturer until after I saw one for a few sessions, and it wasn't her looks, it was her style. On the other hand, I've always known that it is easier to talk with men about my rape, because I am much less worried about them identifying directly with certain aspects of my experience (simply because we share the same physical traits), and worrying about that has caused me to be more afraid to talk. So I know I prefer a male therapist (right now), but if they list "nurturing environment" in the way they describe their approach, they won't be good for me.

Maybe my point is, people of both genders can be "motherly"; but whether you want a shared sense of gender or the opposite is a more useful way to think about gender, in my opinion.

 

[Leigh925]

I never thought I would be able to talk to a male therapist about my csa and rape. I also thought that I would need a female therapist since my mother was mentally ill and I had a childhood filled with neglect. However I ended up with a male therapist and he is so amazing. I feel so lucky. Because he has worked so hard to make me feel safe and comfortable I have been able to discuss ALL of my abuse with him. It is the first time I have ever had the courage to discuss all of it. I have only given other therapists bits and pieces.

I have also felt very nurtured by him and am resolving some of my mother issues because of that nurturing. It has conpletely changed my mind about what I thought I needed and what I thought I could or couldn't do.