Supporter Ptsd Or "he's Just Not That Into You"

[Margaret60]

Dating a former Army MP with two tours in Iraq. Told me he had PTSD a few weeks in but when I asked how it shows up for him he said “road rage”. We did dinner a few times, (had to sit facing exit and not have his back to the door) a movie once and a lot of sleepovers with dinner at home and movies. Sweet, sweet, guy – opening doors, the whole works. Invited him to several basketball games ( he loves sports) at large arenas and concerts at a large venue but schedule never allowed it. He would always ask where the game was and for the concert, asked how long it was. I happened to be performing in the concert. For the concert, he said he would let me know in the morning. He never responded and when I called he didn’t answer. 5 days go by and not a peep. By this time I had done a ton of research and so much of it talks about how they can shut you out and I figured he just couldn’t do the crowd scenes. I sent a text telling him I was “breaking the ice” and his response was “Hey sweetie how have you been… it’s just being difficult… I’m really sorry”. I replied – “difficulties? I’m sorry to hear that. If I can help, let me know”. No response. Sent him one more text 2 days later saying “Just checking in to see how you are doing”. No response. I really liked him but don’t want to be foolish about the whole thing. PTSD or “He’s just not that into you?????

 

[JarHed]

Hey Margaret

I'm a combat vet with PTSD. From the sounds of it, he has PTSD. Even after therapy I still have a problem with crowds. It's a lack of control. Or should I say the 'feeling' of control, truly there isn't any. It's hard to be what you'd like him to be because he doesn't know yet who he is at this point. It takes a ton of patience on your part if you're willing to do that. Even with that and all that you do and the fact that he may actually really care for you it's going to be a tough road for you both. Don't want to be the 'wet blanket' here but it's better to know what you're up against rather than to think it will get 'better' or that he will quickly change. I do wish you both the best of luck. You sound like you care for him and he does sound like he cares for you as well. It's just hard for him to be able to do the 'normal' things you may expect from a relationship.

JarHed

 

[Margaret60]

Thanks for the response - I am doing this for my own sanity, to know I did nothing wrong and that he's not just being a jerk. He already told me he had PTSD, just did not discuss at length at the time. I have the feeling that he is either in denial on how much it effects him or knows how much it effects him but is embarrassed to talk about it. I totally understand that too, it's not something you want to admit to unless you are willing to do something about it. I highly doubt he is getting help for this. He has a full medical discharge and has full medical coverage so I hope he takes advantage of what the VA can offer. As for me, I knew that if it was the PTSD, that I'd have to make a serious decision regarding him IF he ever comes around. At this point do I just leave him alone until he contacts me or should I periodically send him a text just to let him know I'm around. He has no idea that I've figured all this out!

 

[Al_Lurker]

I'd say it's best to wait on him. It sounds like even if he is in therapy he may not be ready for what you're asking him to be able to do.

 

[Margaret60]

I appreciate the honesty, from a man's perspective and a survivors perspective. It helps a lot. At this point, if he's in denial, I'm guessing I'll never hear from him again which is really sad but I can't force something that's not gonna happen. The caring side of me thinks that every person deserves to be loved but the logical side says beware and take care of yourself first.

 

[Al_Lurker]

.... but I can't force something that's not gonna happen. The caring side of me thinks that every person deserves to be loved but the logical side says beware and take care of yourself first.

Exactly. It cost me a lot of tears to learn that. And I'm not the crying sort...

 

[JarHed]

The caring side of me thinks that every person deserves to be loved but the logical side says beware and take care of yourself first.

That statement makes perfect sense to me. If you're a caring person, don't change that. You're in short supply these days. But you do have to be aware that guys with PTSD are an unknown quantity. Meaning that many times they get angry and act out without much thought. So, do be careful.

You're right as well that he may be aware that he has PTSD but just isn't at the point where he's going to actually do something about it. He has to reach that point himself. If and when he does things will start moving forward for him in the sense that he's doing something to help himself.

JarHed

 

[Justmehere]

The way you describe him is how I think some friends would describe me. :( I think this is very much PTSD and not you. It sounds like he really does like you, and maybe the big events with crowds are just too much right now and he might be too embarrassed to admit it. He may or may not be ready for this kind of relationship - but it's not because you are doing anything wrong and I bet he wants to be able to be there with you. If he was in therapy, I'd have more hope things could get better, but it is rarely a good idea to stay in a relationship based on the hope someone else can change. If you are ok with him as is, then maybe stick it out a little longer - but I'm so glad you are reading up about the realities of PTSD. Welcome to the forums, PTSD stinks.

 

[Margaret60]

I'm ok with the way he is as far as his personality goes but I worry that he would end up resenting me because I do like to get out and do lot's of "crowd" things. There is always a little give and take so of course I wouldn't "need" to get out as much when I'm with someone but if he couldn't go WITH me to events, that would be sad. It breaks my heart that these people can't get out and enjoy such things, that for them it's torture so they resort to being a home body to stay safe and not risk having an episode.

 

[Justmehere]

It breaks my heart that these people can't get out and enjoy such things, that for them it's torture so they resort to being a home body to stay safe and not risk having an episode.

I have friends who are really extroverted who have had to learn that the best person for them to date isn't necessarily a really introverted person. PTSD is different than being introverted, but sometimes, it can be a little like that. I think you might end up resenting him and vice versa because the kinds of things you are ok with doing and want to do are so different.

For what it is worth, I think you are thinking this through well.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're a bit mis-matched. I don't like certain types of crowds and events. Concerts are a no-go, but I could do the theatre. Large arenas, again no, but I will suck it up for a baseball game although I usually don't remember much of the game cuz I'm on high alert.

I don't say this to be mean, but it sounds a little offensive to lump us all together as "these people"...and then say we're sad home bodies. Honestly, we don't want pity. Or to be looked down on because of things we can't control.

I think perhaps it's time to move on. I see major issues if you attempt to take things further with this guy.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Margaret,

It isn't uncommon for people, with PTSD, to withdraw or isolate when they are feeling a bit overwhelmed. You'll find a lot of information about this in the supporter's section. Don't assume he is in denial, can't handle crowds, or isn't in to you. It is always better to ask and as no one can really interpret another persons thoughts or feelings.

Whether or not you continue the relationship is entirely up to you. I have PTSD and at one point couldn't comfortably leave the house, but at this point I can handle crowds and such things as concerts and other events. I prefer the outdoor venues. :) Only you know what you need in a relationship, so take your time with this one, or if it isn't going to work for you, walk away.

Debbie