Grappling With My Self Hate

[Justmehere]

I told my therapist I feel stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck. I was feeling really hopeless. I asked her to push me more, and that I could try to rise up to the challenge.

She said ok... and she said I don't think you will get unstuck and I don't think you will get much better until you stop hating yourself so much. Are you willing to really deal with your self hate and how mean you are to yourself? What is your self hate doing for you? How can we get you to let go?

I didn't see that coming. I probably should have. She has mentioned it before. (like about a million times, give or take a few.) But today was different. I was hopeless and she was clear, it's not just about being nice to myself to be nice to myself. She started outlining how my self hate was really sabotaging myself. It's keeping me from really dealing with the trauma fully. On some level, if I am worthless, then it means I kind of deserved it and it wasn't really trauma... and on some level, it numbs out some of the pain.

It was a hard conversation from there, but a really good one. She was really right on (and actually rather gentle about all of it. She kept telling me how understandable it is. She told me she really understands how scary it is to let go of this last defense mechanism. She also went on and on about how much progress I am making, and that I should be kinder to myself about feel stuck! That even with my robust self hate I am still making "huge" progress.)

One of the homework is to write an apology to myself for being so mean to myself - including negative self talk.

It requires me to let go of this self hate as a defense mechanism at least long enough to write the letter. Which is scary. If I'm not as worthless as I treat myself, then it means facing in a deeper level how much I didn't deserve what has happened to me. Which feels like walking into an abyss of pain.

She also wants me to write out when it has been ok to feel angry or when would be ok to feel angry. I get really hard on myself for having anger. She knows I need to keep changing how I express it, and she strongly feels that hating my angry self so much is just making me more angry.

Argh. This is what I get for telling my therapist hey, I have been doing your homework assignments and they are helping in ways I didn't expect. Please push me more. I didn't think she would get confrontational about the need for me to be nice to myself!

I don't even know where to start. This scares me so much. I'm just sharing here as a way to begin to get my toe wet and to say this: I do want to let go of my self hate and be friends with myself. I'm scared of doing just that.

I'd do almost anything to get better.

 

[SeanCharles]

I don't even know where to start. This scares me so much. I'm just sharing here as a way to begin to get my toe wet and to say this: I do want to let go of my self hate and be friends with myself. I'm scared of doing just that.

I would approach this in baby steps. I know this is a huge step in a forward direction for you. I have faith and am doing what I can to provide you with the courage to move forward with this. Feeling scared is okay, being angry with myself and self-hatred is sometimes something I can attest to. (For a variety of different reasoning I am sure.) Posting this here was also a good first step. It's easy to beat yourself up and sabotage yourself, give yourself time to look at the positives, yes! you have talents and gifts you were given. I am sure you'll discover them.

 

[Justmehere]

@Geordie - thank you so much for the encouragement! I never thought this would scare me so much or involve so much fear to try to let go of this. You help me have courage. Small steps.

I need to become my own best ally.

 

[scout86]

Good for you and good for her too!!! (Be careful what you ask for, you might get it. LOL)

You seem pretty nice to me, I can't IMAGINE anyone hating you. If they did, they'd pretty much have to be wrong. I'm sure you can do the assignment. How you do it now will probably be different than how you'd do it in a year, or 2 years. Nothing wrong with that! Good luck and have fun with it! :)

 

[soulsearcher]

I understand your struggle. I too experience trouble dealing with negative self talk. Somedays it gets the best of me and others I can say "No that's not true".
One thing I learned was the voice of the negative talk is from my abusers, and this is what they want to be true. It's not necessarily the truth but sometimes I will sabotage myself to make it seem true.

I agree it's small steps in treating yourself good from eating your favorite food to buying something small you always wanted.

 

[KysMom]

U want to get better. U want to feel better and ur willing to go outside ur comfort zone to do it. That shows self love. Keep that in mind and keep loving urself through tough times. Maybe try starting with small notes or thoughts working up to ur letter.

 

[Tinyflame]

. she said I don't think you will get unstuck and I don't think you will get much better until you stop hating yourself so much. Are you willing to really deal with your self hate and how mean you are to yourself? What is your self hate doing for you? How can we get you to let go?

She started outlining how my self hate was really sabotaging myself. It's keeping me from really dealing with the trauma fully. On some level, if I am worthless, then it means I kind of deserved it and it wasn't really trauma... and on some level, it numbs out some of the pain.

.. this last defense mechanism. She also went on and on about how much progress I am making, and that I should be kinder to myself about feel stuck! That even with my robust self hate I am still making "huge" progress

It requires me to let go of this self hate as a defense mechanism at least long enough to write the letter. Which is scary. If I'm not as worthless as I treat myself, then it means facing in a deeper level how much I didn't deserve what has happened to me. Which feels like walking into an abyss of pain.

She also wants me to write out when it has been ok to feel angry or when would be ok to feel angry. I get really hard on myself for having anger. She knows I need to keep changing how I express it, and.. hating my angry self

I totally relate to that, @Justmehere , although I haven't thought of it in those terms. I have a faint inkling where (or why) mine started. And the pain if it is absent. But I guess the steps in changing it are not only frightening and foreign because they are not just something to 'do' as they are to change the 'belief' itself. (Such as a 'sincere' apology, as it were).

I am glad of your progress, :tup: ! I hope in doing the exercises or figuring out how to do them you are kind to yourself (such an important point of it, really). :hug:

 

[SeanCharles]

Yep! gotta reward yourself. Even when you make small accomplishments especially.

I need to become my own best ally.

That is so true! We're our best ally! If we're not, who else will be? It's like everything else, Everything positive must first come from us. Self-love, self-appreciation, and most importantly self. Of course we don't want to be self-centered! Being aware of ourselves is important.

 

[Justmehere]

Good for you and good for her too!!! (Be careful what you ask for, you might get it. LOL)

Too true! She said she was glad I asked! oh dear... what have a I gotten myself into! lol. I'm almost excited for this challenge though.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have had some awful moments when triggered and said some awful things in the past... Now, it's self-directed fury. I like what you said about how what a write now will likely be different from what I would write a year or so from now... I will keep changing, maybe not overnight, but I am a lot different from how I was a year ago, or even two years ago. It makes me look forward to the future a bit!

U want to get better. U want to feel better and ur willing to go outside ur comfort zone to do it. That shows self love.

Ya know, it does. I never thought of that. Thanks! Maybe this is why my therapist gets so proud of me when I don't run away from therapy. lol. I have been feeling so lost on where to even start, but that seems like a good place to recognize there are some kind things I do to invest in myself and my own healing. There is part of me that doesn't hate me... I just need to help that side of me to be stronger. That's a really encouraging thing. Thank you!

One thing I learned was the voice of the negative talk is from my abusers, and this is what they want to be true. It's not necessarily the truth but sometimes I will sabotage myself to make it seem true.

This is SO me. My therapist was telling me this before I finally understood that my inner critic is really the voice of my abusers in my own head. I do sabotage myself too - it takes all I have to not sabotage myself sometimes. Something my therapist said to me today was that if I am kind to myself, I won't be so surprised when others are kind too. I think I won't feel so strongly like I need to do things that are sabotaging too. I'm sorry you have struggled with negative self talk too, but it helps so much to know I'm not alone in this.

@Junebug You are right on. Part of why it is so hard is because it isn't something I can just do, but where I have to deal with what I believe and think. I can't fake it. Thanks for the encouragement - I hope I figure out how to be kind to myself too.

@Geordie - it does really have to come from us! And when we are our best allies, others tend to want to be our allies too! Can't really give love to others very easily when we don't have it ourselves. Ah, this is tough but such a good goal!

This is beginning to feel a little more doable. I think I am going to write some positive things about me and put them on post it notes and put them around my bedroom for a couple of days as reminders and begin to build up to this apology letter. Self compassion is tough!

 

[Echo]

@Justmehere - this self-hating business is vile, isn't it? The last defence mechanism and the last way in which we are complicit in our own ongoing abuse. It is so hard to see, it is hard to accept quite how badly we were hurt, how bad the betrayal was, and it is hard to accept we would do it to ourselves.

What do you believe that is positive about yourself? From my perspective as a fellow member of the forum, I see you are a highly intelligent, compassionate, caring person, who is really prepared to engage calmly and with great consideration to help someone move forward, to challenge them respectfully and in gentle steps so as not to alienate them. You have such great skills. I hope you realise all that.

If I had to do this task, I think I might start by writing down my good points and achievements and my character strengths in relationships and then counter those positive beliefs with the 'ah buts' as I call them, the counter beliefs I have which belittle and undermine myself.

I hope you get your breakthrough soon. We are here if it gets painful and we'll maybe even manage to do it with the care and consideration you exhibit for others here!

 

[Justmehere]

@Echo - I think we cross posted - Thank you so much for your post!

this self-hating business is vile, isn't it? The last defence mechanism and the last way in which we are complicit in our own ongoing abuse. It is so hard to see, it is hard to accept quite how badly we were hurt, how bad the betrayal was, and it is hard to accept we would do it to ourselves.

It is terrible! It is so hard to see how deep and how far the abuse went, how much the abuser perpetrators in my life hurt me. I will turn it in on me in a heart beat to somehow make it more manageable, but it keeps the cycle of abuse going - only now I'm the "perpetrator" of self abusive thoughts on myself.

It's done, it's over. The abusers in my life are gone, and it's time for me to put down the verbal boxing gloves I use on myself.

Your words about me are so kind I don't even know what to say! I will say this - thank you a lot. I don't quite see in me what you see, but I hope that I could learn to treat myself with the kind of compassion you say I have for others, and the kind of compassion and kindness you have towards me on so many occasions.

If I had to do this task, I think I might start by writing down my good points and achievements and my character strengths in relationships and then counter those positive beliefs with the 'ah buts' as I call them, the counter beliefs I have which belittle and undermine myself.

I have so many 'ah buts' too! I like this idea of writing them down and fleshing out the ways I shoot down my own positive beliefs. Then I can begin to let them go... I keep thinking of this image my therapist drew. It is hard to describe it, but she showed that every time I get mean to myself, I go back to the abuse, instead of forward where I want to go. She has been trying to show this to me, for so long, but I think I finally get it now. I don't want to keep undermining myself.

I'm so glad you all are here! I was feeling so daunted by this task, and I may feel that way again, (it's pretty likely), but this has been so helpful. I was beginning to despair on how great a task this is, as it feels like walking into a mountain of pain, but it is helping so much to share about this and just take it one step at a time.

 

[billie]

Woa..... that is indeed a hard task she has set you. Well done for acknowledging the fact that you are giving it a go. It is a wounderful idea, almost like a new adventure per se. Self hatred is something I would also relate to as a survival mechanism. I wish you all the best hun.

 

[shell]

It is really confronting to start treating yourself more kindly, and to stop hating yourself so much, but really worth all the effort to look at why you believe what you do about yourself.

I still occassionally get bouts of suicidal thoughts that relate to self hate, although I have to be really badly triggered by someone hurting my feelings, and resort to self abandonment for it to happen.

I found it wasn't as daunting as it first appeared, because for me it wasn't something that happened over night, telling myself I wasn't all the things my parents had told me I was one thing, believing it another. It changed over time, just as the feelings of what happened to me has and still are. I still go in and out of numbing, but it wasn't an avalanche. Learning to hate ourselves was a form of self protection, and that ability to protect myself didn't disappear overnight.

Although the issues of having to deal with the feelings that if I wasn't to blame, then I might have to feel something about what happened to me, have come up, for me all the tools I learnt from practising self compassion have made it easier for me to process those emotions without resorting to numbing as often.

Self hate was far more destructive and hurtful than facing the hurt that I was treated so badly by my parents, because I was unrelenting in my self hatred and I could never escape myself. Accepting myself was one of the most life changing and stablizing change that I got from therapy. Don't let fear hold you back from addressing your self beliefs, because as the belief changes so does our ability to deal with our feelings.

I wasn't to blame, I wasn't bad, defective and unacceptable, it's the message they give us to keep us silent, a projection of what they are on us, and I needed to believe them, because to do otherwise would have destroyed me as a child.

Little steps help.