Hi. I'm new to this site. I've been dating a guy for about a month and the relationship has progressed quickly. I know that I want to be with him for the long haul. He suffers from PTSD from combat. He is an army vet and served in Iraq. He has not told me his story yet but says one day he will. He's currently in CPT therapy to try and deal with his PTSD and its very stressful from him. So far he has been distant a couple times but assures me he wants to be with me. He is wonderful to me when he is in a stable mood. But when he backs off he'll ignore my texts and calls for a day or two. I'm learning how to give him his space at these times. I would just like advice on what I can expect and ways to help him. He says he doesn't know how I can help him because no one has ever offered to help him before. I'm crazy about him and I want to be as supportive as possible. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!!
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Relationship Need Advice On How To Support My Boyfriend Who Has Ptsd
- Post starter nahla1204
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nursenurse
Diamond Member
This has only been a month. Back off on the long haul stuff, you really have no idea about anyone, PTSD or not, at this stage of the game. He needs time to process and heal, and may not be able to truly embrace the idea of a permanent relationship for now.
And for heaven's sake, stay away from the horizontal mambo. That just complicates things way too early in the game for anyone..
It is a wonderful sign that he is in therapy, that means he wants to work on himself. Respect his distancing, let him know that you will be there for him, but then let go at the time he needs it. So what if he doesn't text for a couple of days? Many guys are not into that kind of thing anyway, and for someone who is trying to process his own trauma, to press for more than he can give might be misconstrued as the other trying to control. I know that is not the intention, but you can seriously push away more than you pull in. He needs to be able to come to you when he needs you, in the short haul, when he has distanced himself. It means he is likely working on himself, or at least processing.
For the long haul, however, you need to set appropriate boundaries, as will he, to define what is acceptable in the terms of behaviour and communication. You will find many postings in the supporters' forum regarding this. And you need to keep about your normal life, go out with the girls, have your own fun separate from him. Waiting for texts/calls is no way for anyone to live.
How about some counselling for you? It might help you learn ways of helping yourself in the relationship, and give you some tools to negotiate your boundaries with him.
I wish you both good luck, but please be patient and take your time with this. The forum is full of failed relationships. And rushing into anything makes no sense for anyone. That is just good, general, relationship advice, period.
And for heaven's sake, stay away from the horizontal mambo. That just complicates things way too early in the game for anyone..
It is a wonderful sign that he is in therapy, that means he wants to work on himself. Respect his distancing, let him know that you will be there for him, but then let go at the time he needs it. So what if he doesn't text for a couple of days? Many guys are not into that kind of thing anyway, and for someone who is trying to process his own trauma, to press for more than he can give might be misconstrued as the other trying to control. I know that is not the intention, but you can seriously push away more than you pull in. He needs to be able to come to you when he needs you, in the short haul, when he has distanced himself. It means he is likely working on himself, or at least processing.
For the long haul, however, you need to set appropriate boundaries, as will he, to define what is acceptable in the terms of behaviour and communication. You will find many postings in the supporters' forum regarding this. And you need to keep about your normal life, go out with the girls, have your own fun separate from him. Waiting for texts/calls is no way for anyone to live.
How about some counselling for you? It might help you learn ways of helping yourself in the relationship, and give you some tools to negotiate your boundaries with him.
I wish you both good luck, but please be patient and take your time with this. The forum is full of failed relationships. And rushing into anything makes no sense for anyone. That is just good, general, relationship advice, period.
Justmehere
Sponsor
What is CPT therapy? Do you mean CBT therapy? There are so many types of therapy out there, CPT might be a kind of therapy I haven't heard about - I'm just curious.
Sounds like you are really working on respecting his needs for space. That's great work to continue doing!
It is pretty early in the relationship. I agree that slow and steady is best. It will help both you and him increase the chances of building a healthy relationship.
In regards to hearing his story of war, I personally would be concerned about experiencing vicarious trauma. I do understand the desire to want to know more about someone you care about, but from working with traumatized people professionally in a non-therapy role, I find that I don't really need to know in detail the full horrors of war and combat to respect the hell they have been through or to help be a support to them. I do listen and feel really grateful (and even honored) when they trust me enough to share it too.
But, if he is not eager to tell you his story of combat trauma, I would respect that and never push it. If he does want to talk, then that's good too. Being a steady listening ear can help me personally.
I would highly recommend getting support for yourself, especially since you say you want to be with him for the long haul.
It's a good step you have made to educate yourself about PTSD and to reach out here.
In general, I think it is really great for supporters to get counseling and other outside support up best endure all that the mental illness of PTSD can bring into a relationship. I personally believe it is the most important thing a supporter can do to support a sufferer.
I have been told by my own supporters that the hardest thing about being a supporter is that they can not fix the hell I'm in or rescue me. And they want to. Badly. No matter how much I hide from them, it is a natural (and healthy) response to human suffering that others are going through to want to pull them out of it and help them.
I personally find that the best supporters have the greatest ability to know I am deeply hurting, and yet not feel compelled to do anything about it. They offer help, but they have a strong ability to be ok when I can't accept help or that helping me would be too much for both of us. The closer you get to him, the harder that might be to do.
It is also one of the hardest things to do in the world to stand by a person and not be able to end the pain they are in. I personally think that anything you can do to build up yourself and your strength to endure pain that you cannot solve, that will help both of you a lot.
That being said, it is great that you asked him how you can help, and that you want to help him. It's sad that no one has offered before. This may be a very new road ahead for you both.
Sounds like you are really working on respecting his needs for space. That's great work to continue doing!
It is pretty early in the relationship. I agree that slow and steady is best. It will help both you and him increase the chances of building a healthy relationship.
In regards to hearing his story of war, I personally would be concerned about experiencing vicarious trauma. I do understand the desire to want to know more about someone you care about, but from working with traumatized people professionally in a non-therapy role, I find that I don't really need to know in detail the full horrors of war and combat to respect the hell they have been through or to help be a support to them. I do listen and feel really grateful (and even honored) when they trust me enough to share it too.
But, if he is not eager to tell you his story of combat trauma, I would respect that and never push it. If he does want to talk, then that's good too. Being a steady listening ear can help me personally.
I would highly recommend getting support for yourself, especially since you say you want to be with him for the long haul.
It's a good step you have made to educate yourself about PTSD and to reach out here.
In general, I think it is really great for supporters to get counseling and other outside support up best endure all that the mental illness of PTSD can bring into a relationship. I personally believe it is the most important thing a supporter can do to support a sufferer.
I have been told by my own supporters that the hardest thing about being a supporter is that they can not fix the hell I'm in or rescue me. And they want to. Badly. No matter how much I hide from them, it is a natural (and healthy) response to human suffering that others are going through to want to pull them out of it and help them.
I personally find that the best supporters have the greatest ability to know I am deeply hurting, and yet not feel compelled to do anything about it. They offer help, but they have a strong ability to be ok when I can't accept help or that helping me would be too much for both of us. The closer you get to him, the harder that might be to do.
It is also one of the hardest things to do in the world to stand by a person and not be able to end the pain they are in. I personally think that anything you can do to build up yourself and your strength to endure pain that you cannot solve, that will help both of you a lot.
That being said, it is great that you asked him how you can help, and that you want to help him. It's sad that no one has offered before. This may be a very new road ahead for you both.
Never Give Up
Silver Member
As a supporter that is currently married and will not consider a divorce. I find it such a challenge to want to stay married. It is not because I am selfish and expect a certain lifestyle. I have a hard time accepting the PSTD related treatments of dissociation and the shut out periods of time. There can be 3 weeks that go by we do not talk and we live in the same house. I agree with you. Supporters get help....don't spiral downward along with your sufferer and become unhealthy and ill minded.
- Post starter
- #5
Thank you for the great advice! Maybe parts of my original post were unclear. He's serious about me too and when he is having good days, he is very communicative. Hence the confusion on my end when he hides. It should not be misconstrued for clinginess or trying to push him. I already told him we can go slow since he's got so much going on. I was just looking for advice because I've never known anyone with PTSD.
Today he did admit to me that he avoids when he has an attack so that helped me greatly to understand when he shuts me out and I will let him hide if that's what he needs.
It is completely in my nature to help and its strange to me to back off as a way of helping but I'll do it if that's what's needed.
Today he did admit to me that he avoids when he has an attack so that helped me greatly to understand when he shuts me out and I will let him hide if that's what he needs.
It is completely in my nature to help and its strange to me to back off as a way of helping but I'll do it if that's what's needed.
Justmehere
Sponsor
You don't seem clingy or pushy. It just seems early for both of you to be so committed to each other - but I really hope it works out.
Telling him you will go slow is great! You are doing a lot right. I hope you keep taking it as slow as possible. As you may already be experiencing, closeness can not only be too hard when PTSD symptoms are strong, but it can be a trigger in and of itself too.
You are right that helping someone with PTSD so often means not "helping" like we would with others in more active ways, but backing off and basically not trying to help but give lots of space.
Since you have never known someone with PTSD, the more you can learn the better, and sounds like you are beginning that journey well. As a PTSD sufferer, I just hope you go into this with "blinders off" so that way you won't later realize how hard it is and resent him for it. It's not easy. Your own needs in the relationship won't likely be met like it would be in other relationships until he gets more progress in treatment.
But it's great he is in treatment and sounds like he takes some steps to take responsibility for managing his own symptoms.
Telling him you will go slow is great! You are doing a lot right. I hope you keep taking it as slow as possible. As you may already be experiencing, closeness can not only be too hard when PTSD symptoms are strong, but it can be a trigger in and of itself too.
You are right that helping someone with PTSD so often means not "helping" like we would with others in more active ways, but backing off and basically not trying to help but give lots of space.
Since you have never known someone with PTSD, the more you can learn the better, and sounds like you are beginning that journey well. As a PTSD sufferer, I just hope you go into this with "blinders off" so that way you won't later realize how hard it is and resent him for it. It's not easy. Your own needs in the relationship won't likely be met like it would be in other relationships until he gets more progress in treatment.
But it's great he is in treatment and sounds like he takes some steps to take responsibility for managing his own symptoms.
- Post starter
- #7
CPT = cognitive processing therapy. Its targeted at PTSD sufferers.
He told me from the start about his PTSD so I went in knowing it would be tough. He's told me many times it'll be difficult. And I already have seen how hard it'll be.
Going slow is the only way. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and I'm not about to move in with him or anything at this stage of the game because of my kids.
He is very motivated to help himself which is a great thing!
He told me from the start about his PTSD so I went in knowing it would be tough. He's told me many times it'll be difficult. And I already have seen how hard it'll be.
Going slow is the only way. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and I'm not about to move in with him or anything at this stage of the game because of my kids.
He is very motivated to help himself which is a great thing!
nursenurse
Diamond Member
It has only been a month. Before you make any statements about being serious and committed, and well before introducing him to your children, you need to give this a long time to learn and to see how this plays out. I am talking about a year, even more, if there are major bumps in the road. The rock bottoms can be hard if he hits them, and your kids have not signed on to hit the bottoms in any of your relationships, PTSD or not. I don't want to sound mean, as I said I think the fact that he is receiving help is good, he has told you early on, so you have a chance to figure out what you are getting into.
Just tread carefully, offer to be there, give him space, be patient both with the relationship, with him, and yourself, and keep your own home fires burning.
Just tread carefully, offer to be there, give him space, be patient both with the relationship, with him, and yourself, and keep your own home fires burning.
Justmehere
Sponsor
Thanks for explaining what CPT is.
How young are the kids? Do they spend any time with him yet? That does change things. Adults choosing relationship with someone with PTSD is one thing. Kids, it's different - even not living together. Kids need steady adult figures in their lives. I'm sure you know that, but it's good to keep the blinders off all the more and really limit any kid involvement. If he decides he can't handle being close to someone, which happens a lot in PTSD relationships, your kids will likely be affected.
The other thing to know about PTSD is that it typically gets worse before it gets better - this tends to be true overall and seems to be a pretty strong pattern in relationships. In glad he has told you it will be difficult. You say you have seen how hard it is - maybe you have seen the worst of it, but I also wouldn't be surprised if it gets worse before it gets better. You have only seen it for a month. You may not be close enough yet to him to see just what he means by hard and difficult. But maybe you have - and either way, I hope it works out for you!
How young are the kids? Do they spend any time with him yet? That does change things. Adults choosing relationship with someone with PTSD is one thing. Kids, it's different - even not living together. Kids need steady adult figures in their lives. I'm sure you know that, but it's good to keep the blinders off all the more and really limit any kid involvement. If he decides he can't handle being close to someone, which happens a lot in PTSD relationships, your kids will likely be affected.
The other thing to know about PTSD is that it typically gets worse before it gets better - this tends to be true overall and seems to be a pretty strong pattern in relationships. In glad he has told you it will be difficult. You say you have seen how hard it is - maybe you have seen the worst of it, but I also wouldn't be surprised if it gets worse before it gets better. You have only seen it for a month. You may not be close enough yet to him to see just what he means by hard and difficult. But maybe you have - and either way, I hope it works out for you!
Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
I was curious too: "Cognitive processing therapy (CPT) is an adaptation of the evidence-based therapy known as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)..."
Agree with the others. It's only been a month and a lot can happen in a month of time.
Best wishes.
- Post starter
- #11
nursenurse
Diamond Member
There is the book that is highly recommended on this site, "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England, it is available on Amazon, and has a lot of good info in it.
Although you may not need relationship advice, you have hit a forum teeming with those who have experienced many relationships including those with PTSD. It is not meant to hurt or tell you what to do with your life or your relationship, but to help you see "everything" from our perspectives as those who have gone before you. When one is in the throes of new found love, that perspective can sometimes be lost, as has been witnessed time and time again. We are on your side, and on his as well. Take the advice you want/need, and ignore the rest.
Perhaps for him, a trip to the sister site here, "My Combat PTSD"? It is for veterans only. It would offer him support from those who are going through the same things as he is going through. And again, good luck.
Although you may not need relationship advice, you have hit a forum teeming with those who have experienced many relationships including those with PTSD. It is not meant to hurt or tell you what to do with your life or your relationship, but to help you see "everything" from our perspectives as those who have gone before you. When one is in the throes of new found love, that perspective can sometimes be lost, as has been witnessed time and time again. We are on your side, and on his as well. Take the advice you want/need, and ignore the rest.
Perhaps for him, a trip to the sister site here, "My Combat PTSD"? It is for veterans only. It would offer him support from those who are going through the same things as he is going through. And again, good luck.
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