Going Through A Break Up - Having Trouble Coping

[saoirserylyn]

After a year and a half long distance (2 hours apart) relationship, I am considering throwing in the towel. Recently, I found out that I am five weeks pregnant. My boyfriend knows and has been supportive. We're both undergoing a lot of added stress because of this.

However, being pregnant has opened my eyes to attempting to see my relationship from a new perspective and I'm afraid of what I am seeing. Everything on the outside appears blissful - perfect even. We fight usually because I find and pick arguments. The only other time we fight involves my ptsd. He doesn't understand nor I forsee him ever really "getting it."

I've been working on communicating with him, but the more I open up to him, the more I feel hurt by him. Usually it is because he doesn't respond well to my traumas. He often writes them off. From my perspective, it feels like he views me as a liar. All of his friends tell him I am crazy, controlling, manipulating and telling stories to create drama to keep him interested. Those comments cut me to the core. I feel it is unhealthy for me to keep someone in life that displays feeling that way towards me.

I feel a deep rooted obsession with having him understand. I am constantly showing him articles, videos and this forum about ptsd. He never let's me know what he learns from these things. I feel like I have tried beyond my means to be open with him, but I am not met with the same respect. This whole situation has created a deep depression inside of me. I feel like curling up in a ball, shutting out the world and crying for days.

The straw that broke everything is that he agreed to keep some triggering things out of his life and away from me out of respect for me. I had suspicions for a couple of weeks and asked him about these things, he acted as though I was being absurd for even bringing it up. Yet today, I stumble across a couple of triggering things. Revealing he has lied to me and must not take my ptsd seriously.

I am heart broken and completely alone. I wish there were a way to turn off my love for him to push him out of my life and isolate myself (I've been able to do this with so many other relationships). Yet, I can't get rid of these feelings and he isn't around to talk to. I don't even want to talk to him as I'm afraid this sadness will somehow manage to display as anger as it always done. I want him to properly understand how I feel, but perhaps I should move on.

I'm trying to think about what is best for the baby and I at the moment. I want more than anything for the father to be involved, but I just can't help being afraid that if he isn't being careful and safe with my heart, he won't do the same for the baby.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry this is happening. You need to do what is right for you and your upcoming child. Make the decision with your brain not your heart.

 

[digger]

First off, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Breakups are hard anyway, but when you are pregnant as well it just adds so many extra layers to it.

I'm trying to think about what is best for the baby and I at the moment. I want more than anything for the father to be involved, but I just can't help being afraid that if he isn't being careful and safe with my heart, he won't do the same for the baby.

What I would say about this though is that if he wants the opportunity to be involved in his child's life then I think you need to give him a chance at that. I get that he doesn't always seem to respect or understand you and your problems, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is actually an abusive one? Just that you're maybe not both as in tune with each other's needs as you need to be to make it work. I don't think you can prejudge his ability to be a father though based on this. Parenting is a huge learning curve for everybody. We all screw it up to varying degrees at some point. But being a parent isn't the same as being a partner. He might not be the ideal partner, but he could be a great dad - you won't know unless you let him try.

 

[saoirserylyn]

@digger1 Thank you so much for the bit of added perspective on that. Overall, I would have to agree with you. The relationship is not abusive, despite everything we've been through, he always remains calm. I was seeing parenting in a very narrow minded view and jumping to conclusions, which is wrong. Thankfully I have the time to distance from him, give us space to think about everything, then once the time is right we can come together and make some mature decisions about this situation.

 

[yoshixvx]

I imagine that he is quite scared and stuck in the freeze response himself. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love struggle and falter, especially when you have no control over it. I think perhaps he thinks that he doesn't have control over things and that is why he lacks in responding and understanding. He is probably terrified that the person he loves is now carrying his child, and is frightened of what the future holds and what kind of life will be waiting for the child in question. I know I would.

I don't have any advice but try to be patient with him. Maybe back off a bit with the PTSD stuff and give space for him to breathe. It's overwhelming, especially as a survivor but also as a supporter. It sucks when we can't open up to our loved ones about our personal issues, because I know that you want to communicate and encourage the relationship to grow in a healthy direction. But sometimes it's good to take a break and focus on positive things to balance it out. And with a child on the way, you have a positive future ahead of you - with or without him. So try not to place too much stress on yourself.. you can still be a mother with PTSD and raise a healthy child. He can still be a PTSD supporter and be a great dad.