Relationship Is My Ex-boyfriend Just A Jerk Or It's Really His Ptsd?

[catwomanne]

My boyfriend broke up with me days ago. We're in our early 20's. As of the break up, we've been in a relationship for 1.5 years.

We started out as really close friends for a year and we really liked each other, so soon, we went out and fell in love. Everything was going great. During the 10th month (August 2013) of our relationship, a traumatic experience happened to him. 11 robbers barged in their house in the middle of the night. Of all people in their house, he was the only one who got close contact with the robbers; he even almost got hostaged.

I noticed a big difference from him after that incident. His PTSD was just diagnosed this January and has been under therapy + anti depressants for 3 months now.

Our break ups got frequent lately. He'd break up with me LITERALLY every single time we have an argument - even the tiniest ones. We ended up breaking up every week (I swear). He always says he needs and wants space yet he'd always hang out with his family and friends, but not me.

The other day, we had a heated argument over texts (our only communication in the mean time). I kept calm while he insulted me, given his outburst of anger. I reminded him not to make decisions while mad. He kept insisting he's not mad and he really doesn't want me anymore. He soon broke up with me over a text message. Unlike our usual break ups, this one's different.

I'm now left wondering if it was just his PTSD or just his true character revealing; character which I have not yet discovered.

Just that, before him, I had a really toxic and rather agonizing relationship. What he has been showing lately is very familiar - traits that my first ex-boyfriend used to show. My first ex-boyfriend didn't have PTSD, but just a jerk; he constantly broke up with me over a little things and did it via text. See? It is familiar. Going back to my recent ex-boyfriend, I must admit I didn't have enough chance to really know him as a boyfriend since the traumatic experience of his happened early in our relationship.

I'm so confused if I'd think he's just a total jerk just like my first ex-boyfriend, so I should just start moving on -or- it's just his PTSD so I should still wait until he's had his space and wait for him to come back.

Any advice? Thank you!

 

[BloomInWinter]

How awful that happened to him.

Feel free to reject anything of my post which isn't helpful or doesn't apply.

Part of being an emotionally healthy person is that one can face and deal with things as they are, rather than get caught up in what we wish them to be. Also, in knowing that we cannot alter anyone else's behavior, thoughts, actions, or desires other than our own.

What's true about this situation right now? By what you have posted, he broke up with you.

It doesn't matter why someone breaks up with us, only that every moment we spend trying to figure out why is wasted rumination that keeps us from going forward with our lives.

I went through a series of really intense, emotionally charged relationships in my 20's with people who went on to go to jail, prison, etc.
Each time, I thought our breaking up was all my fault. Now I realize there was a part of me that wanted something better.

My best suggestion to myself and others is to believe someone's behavior. It doesn't matter what the stated intent was, the behavior is the only true measure of reality.

He broke up with you. That's truly not about you, it's about where he is, which you cannot change. Trying to do so is unlikely to end well as you literally cannot know what he thinks, feels, or wants, because that is a God-like power no human being has.

Learn what you can from the relationship, take that wisdom forward, and move on with your life. Healthy, loving people are easy to understand because their actions match their words.

Now, doing this is hard and painful. But it does get better. No relationship is wasted time as long as we take the wisdom it brought us and apply it in our lives now.

Remember the bad times while you're in mourning so you do not deepen the hurt by believing it was all good when it wasn't. Remember the experiences as realistically as possible, which can help shorten the feelings of loss.

Now that I am a lot better, nobody ever sends me hurtful, rude, mean, or angry texts. I no longer give people like that some space in my inner circle. I'm filling that space up with people who simply would never think of being disrespectful in that manner. I only got here through bad experiences, learning from them, and lots and lots of therapy.

(((((Hugs)))))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I want to point out this.... Relationships bring on a LOT of stress. (It doesn't matter if you are the most supportive and understanding partner in the world!) Friends and family are different because they just accept us unconditionally and let us be us. There is a lot less stress with friends and family, and so we tend to gravitate toward these less stressful relationships. This confuses a lot of supporters. I can't tell you how many times a supporter has had an issue with this very scenario and just think their sufferer is being a jerk. But, no, there is a very real reason for it.

Another thing, well, your old boyfriend isn't coming back---not exactly the same that is. Trauma changes us for good and while we can get back to being close to what we were like before (in some cases), it will never be exactly the same. I just don't want you holding out hope that your old boyfriend is coming back just the same, because chances are, he isn't.

 

[Viosinger]

I really agree with @BloomInWinter. It's a lesson I learned the hard way, holding on to an unhealthy person in my life because I loved them.

It's not easy to let someone go, but when you do you can heal, learn, and open yourself up to the opportunity to meet someone who will cherish you, treat you kindly, and be a healthier, happier partner.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

"It doesn't matter why someone breaks up with us, only that every moment we spend trying to figure out why is wasted rumination that keeps us from going forward with our lives."

So very true BlomminWinter!!! So very true.

 

[libbylouise27]

@Solara , as a supporter, it has broke my heart that my sufferer has cut me out and only goes to her friends who barely know her. I used to be the one she told everything to, we were engaged and that couple that everyone wanted to be until she started her trauma therapy....so this is something that should be expected? Sorry don't know how to message you privately...new here.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know if it's something to be expected, but I do see it in myself and in a lot of other sufferers. I'm actually there right now. I mean I'm just so tired of feeling like I have to be something I'm not. My friends aren't going anywhere. Relationships (in a romantic sense) are always more precarious no matter which way you slice it or dice it. Friends love me as I am. Romantic interests are all just "I want this or I want that" and it's exhausting. I can be emotionally dead to my friends but that's unacceptable to a partner who requires a certain level of emotion, which is more than I can give. You just get to a point where you want to be accepted and loved without demands placed upon you, and so we seek out friends and honestly don't give a damn if the rest falls apart. Yes this may sound harsh, but after years of putting up a facade for the benefit of everyone else, you end up breaking.

 

[catwomanne]

Just an update regarding this, I talked to him last night. He repeated so many times he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But based on his tone, he was really mad. He was even shouting over the phone. He said he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I'm controlling and cannot be trusted. I'm just so confused because weeks ago, he was telling me about how he wants to make us work and now he's pushing me away as if THAT talk didn't happen. Our break up got triggered by a small heated argument. I'm now confused if he kept breaking up with me just because of his sudden outbursts of anger.

Before he had PTSD, he was a guy who was slow to anger and irritation. He also was very optimistic about us whenever we had problems. Part of me doesn't want to give up because it's only been 2 months he's had therapy. It seems to early to give up. What do you think?

@Solara , as a supporter, it has broke my heart that my sufferer has cut me out and only goes to her friends who barely know her. I used to be the one she told everything to, we were engaged and that couple that everyone wanted to be until she started her trauma therapy....so this is something that should be expected? Sorry don't know how to message you privately...new here.

I'm experiencing the same thing. We used to be best of friends in our relationship and now he resorts attention from people he just met. We also were the couple people aspired to be. Then his PTSD happened and everything changed.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He say he doesn't want to be with you. It truly doesn't matter what is going on in his head. He has expressed himself and using mental energy trying to figure out why is a waste of your life. When we are with people who truly love us, such chaos and conflict is not part of a healthy relationship.

My best suggestion is to accept what he has said. trying to force him to change his mind would be a violation of his right to autonomy, just as if he kept pursuing you if you repeatedly said you didn't want to be with him. We all have the right to choose who we give our time towards, and who not to. Others don't have a right to demand we give our time to them if we don't want them around.

What steps are you taking to enjoy and affirm yourself today? Do some nice things for yourself. Comfort yourself. Know his dreck is his and you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure him.

You only have control of yourself. Use your time loving and caring for you.

 

[nursenurse]

Simply, beautifully, and truthfully said, Bloominwinter.