Expectations In Relationships

[Meadowsweet]

I should point out that I'm not in a relationship and have not tried to be in a relationship since I was last attacked and developed PTSD (about 7 years ago). I avoid friendships also, and have not had a close friendship for nearly 4 years. It's an avoidance I'd like to overcome and so I try to understand relationships.

I was abused as a child and in adulthood I've been in abusive relationships. Part of the longevity of that abuse comes from me trying get love by meeting every expectation of the other. Whatever criticism or judgement that is made of me, I will try to be in certain situations. In relationships, the emotions I have felt are love, fear, guilt.

But when I've reached a point where I know I need to change something, or go, those emotions of love, fear, guilt prevent me from doing that. So, I go into survival mode and become cold and so stubborn that I wouldn't care if someone killed me because I would feel better being dead than giving in.

So I know that in a relationship that each compromise and boundary has to be discussed, weighed up and counter-compromises met.

But, is there an expected 'normal' to these compromises? What is it acceptable to ask for? When, and how often is it ok to say no to sex? As a woman, do you have a duty to fulfill his sexual needs? - I am adamant that I am more than sex - but I have read supporters saying they are emotionally abused because physical affection isn't being given. It worries me significantly about the rules of relationships.

It worries me more that those supporters might actually be abusers themselves, and PTSd is an excuse to make themselves the victim if she tries to stick up for herself. Where I'm trying to face my fears of relationships, that only adds to them and justifies them.

So what are the rules? How do we go about finding them in any relationship? And when do we know to give in, and when to walk away from a potentially damaging situation?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Excellent post!

I don't have any advice to give, but I do want to let you know that I struggle with similar issues. I know that I have sexual issues that go back to the abuse, and I know that I will need to find a partner who is sensitive to these needs. I KNOW I am more than just sex. But, I do feel that I need to "provide" to a certain level in a relationship. Truth be told, I refuse to get into a relationship because the obligation is just too great for me to deal with. I don't ever feel that I have the full right of refusal because then I risk being left and at that point the idea that I'm only wanted for sex would be compounded. Its a vicious negative cycle and the hard part is that most guys don't understand how difficult it is. I have a lot more healing to do before I get into a relationship, but at least I know where my healing needs to be focused.

I'll be following this thread. I hope other members have feedback to give as I'd like to hear how others work through this issue.

Sorry if this went a little off topic.

(By the way, I think I'd want to punch someone who told me that "withholding" sex is emotional abuse. Dammit, this eeks of revictimization! Oh, I know you've been "battered and bruised" but you better do your "job" and "provide". No, not being sexist, I've seen it go both ways. End of vent.)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Truth be told, I refuse to get into a relationship because the obligation is just too great for me to deal with. I don't ever feel that I have the full right of refusal because then I risk being left and at that point the idea that I'm only wanted for sex would be compounded.

This pretty much sums up why I don't have close relationships. In friendships, obligation (although not sexual) feels threatening and forceful to me. I ended my friendships because I felt that I was expected to be looking and trying for a sexual relationship, and felt the pressure to fit in with female friends looking for that.

But also, I wanted to add that I'm in my forties now, and I'm wondering if that middle age makes a difference to the expectations in relationships because it's a different time of life, hormones are different and dreams are different too. Is that wishful thinking?

 

[ptsdsolution]

Thankfully I haven't experienced this but if you meet the right guy, your heart body and mind will find a level of harmony and agreement and it won't be as much of an issue. Being with the wrong person is a chore, being with the right person and everything fits into place alot better (ha excuse the pun!) and it will be something that makes sense to both of you and it will be personal and special

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Truth be told, this thread has upset me more than any others have in a long time. I'm not blaming you. Actually, it has brought the issue to the forefront of my consciousness so I have you to thank for that

I think for so long I have been trying to get the relationship issue to "work" even though......even though I'm honestly not interested in any of the guys who have shown interest in me. Well, there have only been a few, and because I'm still trying to figure things out, I think that I ignore the red flags, no matter how small, that tell me I should be moving on. Sort of like I think well I know this isn't going to be a long term thing, but I'm supposed to be "practicing" this relationship thing so why not? And yeah, that sounds horrible, like I'm using these guys, but no, it's not like that.

I'm in my thirties and still getting the kids question. Some guys are REALLY pushy about this issue. It actually feels violating to have this question pushed upon me. A few more years and hopefully it'll end, although I do look young so with my luck I'll be deflecting these questions for a number of years. And of course the kids question is linked to sex so more uncomfortable feelings.

I'm almost to the point of wanting to fend guys off by telling them it took almost a year before I slept with the last guy. Gee, you have the time? No, I didn't think so. Goodbye.

Thanks, I needed to get that out.

 

[bell]

Just wanted to say that I don't know either and that I hear you. When it comes to relationships I am a mess and feel guilty regarding anyone I'm with because I feel like I'm "dragging them down" with me, even if I'm in a relatively healthy state, as I always know that at some point, I will flip out and they will have enough of me and go away for good.

 

[Mayday]

I got a book from the library recently which I've found really helpful in regards to expectations in relationships and friendships.

It's called 'The independent woman's handbook for super safe living on the autistic spectrum' by Robyn Steward.

Although I don't have autism or aspergers, I find this book really helpful because it is very straight forward and clear. It gives examples of reasonable expectations in friendships, sex, relationships, tips for setting boundaries, red flags.

All stuff that I'm finding really helpful as I'm trying to venture into developing some friendships.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thankfully I haven't experienced this but if you meet the right guy, your heart body and mind will find a level of harmony and agreement and it won't be as much of an issue.

With the greatest respect, this isn't the kind of understanding that people with PTSD usually have. I know someone asked you on another thread, but for my own clarity on where you're coming from. Do you have PTSD or are you a supporter of someone with PTSD?

@Solara I'm sorry that you are finding this tough going. As you say though, sometimes things being brought to the forefront can help us to address the feelings and thoughts. But it's not easy, I know.

it took almost a year before I slept with the last guy. Gee, you have the time? No, I didn't think so. Goodbye.

I may try this line.

@bell I hope that you will find the confidence to let someone love you for being yourself one day.

@Mayday thanks for the recommendation.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I got a book from the library recently which I've found really helpful in regards to expectations in relationships and friendships.

It's called 'The independent woman's handbook for super safe living on the autistic spectrum' by Robyn Steward.

My library has it and I just reserved it! I'm going to pick it up later this afternoon. Thank you so much for the recommendation, I really do appreciate it.

 

[ptsdsolution]

@Meadowsweet @Solara Hi everybody sorry, I see I should have written about myself in the introduction. I will do this next. I may come across all spiritual and zen maybe because it was over 5 years ago that I came out the other side of PTSD. The thing is I never realised this is what I had and it was a very frightening, lonely, isolating journey for me. Eventhough I was surrounded by peope who cared about me, I couldn't connect. To me I could see the sun on a warm day but not feel any heat or see any light. I know it is hard to describe. I read more self help courses to last a lifetime but even they took a long time to sink in. I like to write about positive stuf because it reinforces it in my head. Hope this helps. Anyway i will write more in the introductions section!

 

[Meadowsweet]

if you meet the right guy, your heart body and mind will find a level of harmony and agreement and it won't be as much of an issue

What raised my concerns is that this belief simply shows a complete lack of understanding of what PTSD is. I deal with sexual abuse and domestic violence. Why do you imagine that all it will take is the right guy to sort that out?

Also, why do you imagine that this innuendo is appropriate to be pointed out as a pun?

being with the right person and everything fits into place alot better (ha excuse the pun!)

I'm still unsure from what you've replied, but have you been diagnosed with PTSD by a medical professional in the field of psychiatry?

Also, if you believe that you came out of PTSD 5 years ago, what are you doing here please?

 

[ptsdsolution]

@Meadowsweet I never went to the doctor! I know it sounds stupid. I think I was too ashamed and just hid everything but I did see a councellor but gave up with her after a while- she looked liked she needed counselling herself.