Ambition Has Been Lost.

[skeenr]

I have lost my motivation and ambitions in the worst way. I want to do things, like write and draw again, but I feel like I'm held down. Every time I think about getting up out of the rut I have dug myself into I think of all the lost time and get completely overwhelmed. How do you get over the complete and utter lack of motivation to do anything? It is holding me back from school and hobby building. I can't do alright in bursts, but then it withers away again.

 

[Pencil]

I totally relate.

 

[lonelyshadow]

Wish I knew the answer too. It's even more frustrating knowing what you're capable of achieving if you could just. get. going.

Sometimes I sit still for hours just zoned out with mental exhaustion. My spirit feels suffocated and crushed and I have no energy, I can't bear to think. I just want to close my eyes and drift into unconsciousness. Then my partner comes home all normal and I have to "keep up" appearances so as not to burden him with my lost vague hopeless nothingness. There are many things I can do, should do, might do in a day, a week, a month a year, but don't.

Often this seems to manifest in what appears to be procrastination to an outsider. As I only get something done at the last minute and only when people are depending on me in some way. It's like I want to want things in life but it all seems so hard, such a massive hill to climb and so meaningless. The world around me is too loud and it makes my senses cringe. My heart feels so heavy and fragile and old and tired of life.

Occasional functioning usually involves a great deal of self talk and berating, to the point I can't stand myself as I am. Then I have a shower, eat something, and pat myself on the back with a hollow inner voice. Most things I do are rather mindless... Basically I struggle to care about anything beyond the point of acting a part to appear normal to people I come into contact with.

That's how I survive. It's not really coping. And certainly not living.

 

[Hope4Now]

I wish I knew the answer to this, @skeenr. My therapist keeps telling me that motivation will come with time and therapy as I deal with all the issues. I hope that's true. Right now, I just feel like I'd like to lie in bed all day by myself, in a quiet dark room. I don't feel like I care much about anything at all. Like you, though, I get brief bursts that wither away again. Try not to push yourself/beat yourself up. Make your hobby being kind and gentle with yourself, for now.

@lonelyshadow: I could have written this post about myself. I didn't used to be this way--always very organized and efficient, but pretty dissociated/depersonalized now that I look back. Since this ptsd stuff has hit, I am experiencing exactly what you describe. It's just total physical, emotional, and spiritual overwhelm. I am finding that I feel a little better if I just cut myself some slack--no self-berating. Take it slowly, one thing at a time.

 

[Caterpillar]

Well, PTSD can be exhausting. I know it saps my energy and I often get completely overwhelmed by ordinary responsibilities, especially if there are multiple things I feel like I should be doing.

The only advice I know to give is to set very simple daily goals. Maybe today you're going to shower, make the bed, and spend 30 minutes doing your favorite hobby (even if you don't feel like it and even if you don't do it particularly well). Give yourself permission to relax and zone out as much as you want when those goals are done, and if you miss your goals for a day, try your best to accept it and set new goals for the next day without berating yourself. Berating ourselves for failure never accomplishes anything except to make us feel worse and sap even more of our energy. Every day is fresh and new and a chance to do a few productive things. Reward yourself for the things you do accomplish and try to never regret that your goals can't be higher. Great productivity will come with time and healing.

 

[Pencil]

he only advice I know to give is to set very simple daily goals.

This does not work for me at all. I set goals, I draw up schedules, I get all inspired, and then I .... forget.

 

[Caterpillar]

This does not work for me at all. I set goals, I draw up schedules, I get all inspired, and then I .... forget.

Well, you can set reminders on your phone and computer, which may be some help. How far ahead do you set up goals and schedules? I only do it for a single day because more is too overwhelming and easy to forget. You could even reduce that time to setting a goal for the morning or hour.

There's also the technique of IMMEDIATELY doing something once you decide it's your goal. Instead of laying out an elaborate schedule or goal, simply decide you're going to do something and immediately start doing it.

Memory problems are a bit different than motivation problems, though. My problem has always been motivation-related, like the OP, so I don't know as many techniques for improving memory as I do motivation.

 

[skeenr]

@Pencil that is an issue I have too. For the first month or so of this semester I was writing all my assignments and when they are due down and it just... withered away. I try off and on to commit to things but I really can't find the motivation for long enough for it to seemingly make a difference.

 

[Pencil]

@skeenr, that's it exactly - it withers away. @Caterpillar - it's not a memory problem, it's more like not retaining why it was important, or what it's significance is. It's more than simply forgetting to do it. These are not tasks, but rather purpose or mission.

 

[lonelyshadow]

@Pencil and @skeenr this forgetfulness is so familiar to me too. I'd describe it a bit like trying to knit a scarf while it's simultaneously unraveling. You're a student/studying? Me too, at uni :) I was in the workforce for many years before this though...

For me, it's a kind of mental fog that sweeps the motivation away without a trace, while I am preoccupied feeling like I've forgotten something really important but can't grasp it in my minds eye. So I feel like it's all brand new and shiny when something finally reminds me of my good intentions then I realize I'm just back at square one, and ask myself, how could I NOT do this, then? I'll definitely do it this time... But first I just have to quickly brush my teeth to start the day right. And the fog strikes again lol I'm constantly surprised at how many things I was/am interested in (art, music, etc) but is that really me, if I never do any of it? So my self identity is further eroded and I fade a bit more, becoming a ghost of myself.

@Hope4Now that is a good suggestion and sometimes that technique works if I can remind myself of even the tiniest little thing I did right so far, like opening the window blinds. A lot of the time I feel a choking/constricting panic in my chest and throat from the moment I get out of bed and those are days it takes all my energy just to breathe. My fight/flight response is just so out of whack, it seems to go into overdrive for no apparent reason.

 

[Pencil]

mental fog that sweeps the motivation away

Exactly. Like a rocket that lifts off, but then somehow slumps, and with then I don't even bother to wonder why, or what or when or what the hell now. Now I realize where the expression 'running out of steam' comes from. I run out of steam, again and again and again...

 

[shimmerz]

I can SO relate to this posting. My spouse will ask me each day 'so what is up today Schmetzy' (short form pet name German for butterfly). I state what I am going to do. What my intentions are. I have wanted to turn of the damned music he had on since he left for work 3 hours ago. Still havne't done it. Dishes are in the sink. Hoping to get there. Laundry needs to be put away. Ummmm nope. I should eat. Not going to happen. When I am out driving I am fine. The minute I am in the house I am lost. I am sure the house is triggering to me as I am frozen when I am inside.