Fear Of Being "in Trouble"

[Justmehere]

I am doing a form of somatic experiencing with my therapist. We have done a particular kind of trauma processing technique on the phone twice, and it went very well and brought a lot of relief to me. It was somewhat by "accident" that we did it on the phone. It was due to transportation problems and various other things that happened, not because we planned it that way.

I had tried to do it with her in person, before doing on the phone, and I just couldn't do it. I would start to get really really scared. We both figured I was not trusting the process yet. When I did it with her on the phone, and I was not nearly so scared. It was quite easy. It surprised both of is.

I then saw her in person, and I was terrified all over again, to the point of having a panic attack. I was terrified I would be "in trouble" for showing emotion. It wasn't a logical cognitive though process, but a very physical fear anyhow.

When I when into complete panic mode about this, I went numb. I dissociated out.

My therapist was very kind and steady. She told me she was very ok with any emotion that could come up. She could handle it and I would not be in trouble. She even reassured me that if I yelled or screamed, I would not be in trouble. She said as long as I don't hit her, "I am very comfortable with whatever could come up." (The goal is not to scream, and there is no risk of me hitting her. I'm not sure why she said this other than to really try to reassure me that even if the "worst" happened and I had a flashback, and yelled, I would still not be in trouble.)

She told me over and over you are safe now. Is ok to be scared.

As a kid, I would get more abused for showing any signs of fear. This happened as an adult too, in a trauma reenactment sort of way...

She offered to bot look at me, sit further away, just about anything to help me feel safer for a moment. I declined all of that. I went numb. :(

She seems to understand how scared I am of "being in trouble" - more than I even understand it. On the phone I cried and had all kinds of emotions (no yelling or anything, but lots of emotions) and I wasn't scared.

I don't know what to do or how to stop being so scared she's going to get mad if I cry. I even think of talking about trauma with her, and despite all her reassurances, my mind starts thinking I will be in trouble...

She is a trauma specialist and even teaches about it at national conferences. I click with her really well and therapy with her has been so helpful and effective.

This is a major glitch that has come up and she is really committed (I am as well) to working through it. She says it is the crux of so many things for me... I think she is right, but I'm lacking her hope or confidence there is a way through this.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this before?

Are there things your therapist does or that you do in session that help you feel safer? In any way?

It's not just a fear in therapy, but in life. I tend to do a lot of things to try to never be in trouble - and it would be good, if I wasn't so neurotic and driven about it. Right now, it mostly backfires.

I'm at such a loss on this issue. I welcome any thoughts or feedback.

 

[It's all my fault]

I'm so sorry your struggling. I too find it hard to be in my therapists presence. Just her looking at me I feel small and terrified. I can understand your fear of feeling like you "were in trouble". It's like we are back in a child's body when we are present with out T. It is terrifying at times. I can be perfectly articulate, rational and calm writing about my trauma alone, put me in her office to feel any emotion and I crumble or dissociate. I think you need to just give yourself a break. You need more time. Time and space. It's ok for you to feel this way, try to be patient and I hope you get some relief soon.

 

[arfie]

I am a natural born/compulsive limits tester, so I am not at all sure I should even respond, but I wonder what would happen if you deliberately set out to do something against the rules in her presence. Maybe one of the things from the taboo list you were raised with?

Just a random thought.

 

[Justmehere]

@It's all my fault - thanks for the encouragement. It does feel like such a vulnerable place. It feels like being a little kid all over again. You really hit the nail on the head. I am so terrible at being patient with myself. Learning to be patient with myself on this would probably be a good goal in and of itself.

@arfie - you know, that's not a bad idea. My therapist is pro-testing things out to see if she really means what she says. She's very very big into experiential learning. Hmmm... Thanks for the idea. It's got me thinking.

It was helpful just to experience panic in her office and see that I really wasn't in trouble. We did an exercise once where I had to say no to her requesting I do different things, just to get comfortable with holding boundaries and saying no if I needed to. She asked me to do even silly things like stand my head and I would say no. It was kind of funny, but it was oddly helpful. I got to really experience that it was really okay to say no to her.

 

[Justmehere]

This feels so daunting. Being "in trouble" has meant so many life-threatening things in my life.

 

[Hope4Now]

I understand this and have similar feelings when I am in my therapists presence. It has nothing to do with him. He is incredibly kind and gentle and supportive.

I am pretty articulate when I write about things, but when it's time to talk about feelings, or do processing work with my child parts, I either get totally overwhelmed and frightened or am completely inarticulate. It is frustrating because it often takes most of the appointment to calm down enough to make any progress, and then I get mad at myself.

I think we just need to be patient with ourselves and let the process unfold. It takes a long time to feel safe (I'm not sure I ever have with anyone). Your trust in your therapist will come with time so long as she continues to be there and encouraging and supportive of you.

 

[bell]

Just wanted to say I have this fear, too. And it's the worst, because that means I'm always trying to figure out what I did, and never can so 'round and 'round I go. I'm just starting to the root of this, and both my body and brain want to shut down instead of work it out. I feel your frustration, wholeheartedly.

 

[Justmehere]

@Hope4Now - I get so frustrated with myself too. I am also scared my therapist is going to leave... I think you are right, as long as she hangs on with me (and I can keep affording her) we should work it out eventually... Thanks for the encouragement.

It hurts to see her be so patient and so kind, session after session, and yet I'm still so scared.

@bell - I can so relate to what you have described. :hug: I spin and spin when I'm worried I'm going to be in trouble.


I have noticed that when we talk on the phone, I tend to pace, or I sit down on the floor automatically. I wonder if it would help if I asked if we could sit in the floor in her office. She doesn't know I sit on the floor when we talk on the phone, but she has offered that I could sit on the pile of pillows in her office or in other chairs or anywhere... I so want to feel safer with her. I'd do almost anything.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am also scared my therapist is going to leave...

It's funny you say this. I just realized today that this is one of my fears. It is irrational; of that I am aware, yet I still fear he will suddenly say that I shouldn't be in therapy at all!

Does your therapist do any somatic work at all? I'm asking because mine does. One day he got me moving around the office. I was very uncomfortable with it, but I wonder if it would be good for you. He also offered that I could sit wherever I liked. That's hard for me too, even though I am a floor person too. I like to sit, arms around my knees, back against the wall. I just can't bring myself to advocate for that.

My guess is that your therapist would be open to whatever you suggest, if you can make your needs known. That's the hard part for me. Ugh.

 

[Justmehere]

@Hope4Now - these fears are irrational for me too. They are quite stubborn fears for me.

Does your therapist do any somatic work at all?

Yes. She specializes in somatic experiencing and trauma related transference patterns. She notices how much I fidget in session. I get so scared to move into what my body might "need" - as she would say it - but I do fidget a lot. She said I could even pace if I needed to. I never do. I just try to... It's like I'm trying to be good, be ok enough to keep doing therapy. Earn my way. :(

I like to sit, arms around my knees, back against the wall. I just can't bring myself to advocate for that.

That is exactly how it sit on the floor when we are talking on the phone! I don't even think about it, I just do it.

I'm so scared to ask. I think part of it is that I couldn't do it if it was just me on the floor. I would be weirded out if she sat above me. So I would have to ask her if she could sit on the floor too - which is asking her to do something too, which is a whole another level of asking. I want to have the courage to ask... the worst that could happen is that she says no... somehow I feel scared of that. Like "no" would maybe go towards my being "in trouble."

She could say no. She could also be mildly thrilled that I finally asked.:rolleyes:

 

[Hope4Now]

the worst that could happen is that she says no... somehow I feel scared of that. Like "no" would maybe go towards my being "in trouble."

Yup. I think this is why I'm afraid to ask for anything. I've been writing about this in my journal. I know I need to advocate for myself--that I can't expect my therapist to guess my needs (although he is pretty intuitive). The biggest step I've managed to make is calling him on the phone a couple of times when I was in bad shape. That was very hard for me to do.

She notices how much I fidget in session.

Yes, me too. It's really weird actually, because I'm not fidgety in the rest of my life for the most part. But in therapy I am constantly moving...more than fidgeting...I can't seem to help myself.

 

[Hope4Now]

I just realized I asked a really dumb question when I asked whether your T does somatic stuff. You said that right at the beginning of the post. Sorry.