Rape Signals

[jmni]

What does someone who's been raped "seem" like? I've had two people ask me if I was raped. Are there actual red flags that indicate someone has been raped or is this just a creep line?

 

[Echo]

Bear in mind that the numbers of people on the planet who have been raped are very high. Depending on which country you are in, there are likely to be quite a number of people in your everyday life, at college or at work who have been raped, and no-one would have any idea. In an intimate setting, depending on what happened to any given rape survivor, there may be ways in which that person reacts which might indicate a sensitivity, but that will differ from person to person.

Unless this is an insensitive question from a partner, who should really wait for you to say, I would think it is a super creepy question to ask anyone, and none of their business anyway.

If you have been raped, I hope you are getting the right kind of support. And I hope you don't feel pressurised to tell anyone anything if you are not comfortable with it and until it suits you. I have been raped several times, and no-one has ever asked me, nor do I think anyone has ever been able to tell. Certainly, when I have told people, they have been very surprised. It is not written on anyone's forehead.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think there are signals in terms of reactions or behaviors one may have, but it's a very individual thing. I was sexually an used as a child yet didn't show ANY telltale signs that teachers are told to look out for. I was a very reactive child, then again, I was born reactive (yet my parents had an inkling that something was amiss).

How well do you know these people? At what point do they say something? I'm just curious as at certain points, err after certain things happen, certain reactions may raise red flags with people. I'm guessing that these people were concerned about you?

 

[Seaotter]

At the doctor's once, getting my routine annual women's check-up, the nurse said to me, "you can always tell who's been sexually abused because they cry"...then when it began I started to cry. Bet she felt like a jerk. My point is no one can tell your past there is no way she suspected mine or she wouldn't have said anything.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am so sorry @Seaotter, that was totally insensitive of her. Honestly, intellect does not necessarily dovetail with kindness or sensitivity or common sense. :(

 

[Pencil]

@jmni Two people have told me that I show 'all signs of sexual abuse'. One was a psychologist, the other a friend of mine who is a social worker. In both instances I was so shocked that I never thought to ask them what the 'signs' are.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've been asked before. Once was a friend at school, she asked because I never wanted to go home much. Another was a friend of my ex - I had just moved in with him, I had a beaten face from the ex before that, was coming off drugs and I was 22 and he was 44, so she quite rightly assumed that I was a little messed up and was trying to find why.A therapist once said that it would be unusual to have a long list of adult abuse if my childhood had been perfect.

I worry that the fact I've not been in a relationship for years will give some people the imperssion that I have been abused in some way (that is why, but I don't want people seeing that in me). I don't like hearing people talking about sexual stuff in a dirty way, I don't talk about been attracted to celebrities like other women do and I find men who other people think are sweet and nice, creepy - I see being gentlemanly as being about control and expectation.

So I think, if anyone cared enough now to analyse, they might draw the conclusion that I have issues with sexuality - an easy assumption from that might be that I've been raped.

 

[ghotiff]

So I think, if anyone cared enough now to analyse, they might draw the conclusion that I have issues with sexuality - an easy assumption from that might be that I've been raped.

I agree. I disclose to those that are close to me because there is no way for me to have a close friendship with someone and hide all my issues (particularly my extreme aversion to being touched). So, at some point in the friendship I feel the need to tell them, and they don't act surprised.

But it would be very inappropriate and presumptuous for anyone to ask. Also, I feel impelled to write that I don't know your history, but if you don't think you were then please don't start thinking you might have been based on some random comments by un-trained people (and by un-trained, I mean anyone who is not an expert specialising in this field). I've had people make comments based on assumptions about me that were wrong and this can be very problematic, but I'm lucky enough to have clear enough memories to know what actually did happened.

Actually my soon-to-be-ex T was the most recent person and this is part of the reason I'm moving on from her....if over time I remember more than thats okay with me, but it is so dangerous (at least for me) to theorise about things that 'might' have happened. Actually, I'm interested in everyone's opinion on this, does anyone agree with the dangers of theorising....or is that just a me thing.

 

[Meadowsweet]

No, I'm quite aware of why people might assume previous abuse. They'd be right, but that doesn't mean I want people to see that.

I feel like they actually see it happening and I am embarrassed and ashamed. I don't tell people and I don't like people to know bcause I feel that seeing that weakness in me makes me vulnerable. So I keep away from people!

 

[ghotiff]

@medowsweet
I used to also feel this way, but now I only feel this way to some people.....okay, a lot of people, but point, not all of them anymore.

The vulnerable thing is really tough. I would love to get insight on where this has come from for me. I have some theories but don't really get it yet.

 

[Anna]

I have been asked not directly but indirectly. I was told my behaviour around males was a real signal of what had happened to me. I am cold and distant towards men, almost arrogant and find it difficult to talk to them. I had one guy start a conversation with "Don't worry, I am not going to hurt you". I find being around men I do not know uncomfortable and get nervous, I will shake sometimes. Some people put it down to me being shy or anxious. The person who asked me indirectly was a very sensitive person. They just seemed to be more caring.

 

[Lucycat]

At the doctor's once, getting my routine annual women's check-up, the nurse said to me, "you can always tell who's been sexually abused because they cry"...then when it began I started to cry. Bet she felt like a jerk. My point is no one can tell your past there is no way she suspected mine or she wouldn't have said anything.

Here in the UK there are questions that health professionals are now obliged to ask, and that includes child abuse questions to pregnant women.

When you get a routine women's check up it is a very relevant discussion and an opportunity for someone to be offered help. By saying abused people cry gives you a non-verbal way of telling her you were abused. Did she follow up on it? I don't think she would have felt a jerk. She would have seen her question answered, and you did not have to find the right words...