What do you mean latch on to another sufferer? Yes I saw him text and talk to other people all day except for me. I've learned that they can talk to other people easier because our relationship is on a different level than his friendships. His friends don't know him so personally like I do so I tend to get shut out more. I've read that that is a big symptom, it has nothing to do with you just the way their brain thinks.
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Relationship Is This Normal Behaviour - I Am So Confused.
- Post starter Poledancer2007
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No, I did not latch on to another PTSD sufferer for support. At the time, I was incredibly confused and didn't realize I had PTSD.
It's really hard to describe the feeling but let me try this:
Imagine that you're being bitten by a tiny bug too small to be seen by the human eye. It bites you and sometimes this causes searing pain. Sometimes it bites you and you get enraged. You look around and you ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this way? What is causing this pain and this anger?" Then you notice that each time this has happened your partner has been there. And you start to wonder, "Is s/he doing this? Why?" You think, "They're playing some kind of trick on me." So you confront them and they say no, it's not them. But then you get bit again. And you confront them again. And they say no, they haven't done anything. So then you go to a friend and tell them all this and your friend says, "No no, it can't possible be [your partner]. You guys love each other." At this point you start to think that maybe you're crazy. You get bit again and this time it's more painful than before. And now you know, you're crazy.
Of course, this cycle repeats itself over and over again, day after day, for weeks, months, years maybe. Sometimes you're convinced it's your partner. Sometimes you're convinced it's yourself. Sometimes a little voice in your head says, "Remember the time when you were [in a traumatic situation]." But that's even more challenging to face.
Until you realize there is a tiny bug [trauma / PTSD] biting you, you, your partner, your friends-- everyone is going to try to find an explanation for the pain and the anger. None of it will explain it. There will be confusion and misunderstanding. You will lash out at others and at yourself.
The first step is realizing that it's not you. It's not your partner. It's the bug.[DOUBLEPOST=1398821772,1398821473][/DOUBLEPOST]After I accepted I had PTSD, I've found being with other sufferers helpful. When you first see someone else who does the same things you do (lash out, cry for seemingly no reason, blame themselves for things that are not their fault, being scared out of their mind from a seemingly mundane thing), you realize: "I'm not crazy. This is normal." And you also realize by seeing someone else go through it, "The PTSD is not them. They are someone suffering from PTSD. Who they are is someone who is brave, kind, generous. And you know what? That's probably me too."
It's really hard to describe the feeling but let me try this:
Imagine that you're being bitten by a tiny bug too small to be seen by the human eye. It bites you and sometimes this causes searing pain. Sometimes it bites you and you get enraged. You look around and you ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this way? What is causing this pain and this anger?" Then you notice that each time this has happened your partner has been there. And you start to wonder, "Is s/he doing this? Why?" You think, "They're playing some kind of trick on me." So you confront them and they say no, it's not them. But then you get bit again. And you confront them again. And they say no, they haven't done anything. So then you go to a friend and tell them all this and your friend says, "No no, it can't possible be [your partner]. You guys love each other." At this point you start to think that maybe you're crazy. You get bit again and this time it's more painful than before. And now you know, you're crazy.
Of course, this cycle repeats itself over and over again, day after day, for weeks, months, years maybe. Sometimes you're convinced it's your partner. Sometimes you're convinced it's yourself. Sometimes a little voice in your head says, "Remember the time when you were [in a traumatic situation]." But that's even more challenging to face.
Until you realize there is a tiny bug [trauma / PTSD] biting you, you, your partner, your friends-- everyone is going to try to find an explanation for the pain and the anger. None of it will explain it. There will be confusion and misunderstanding. You will lash out at others and at yourself.
The first step is realizing that it's not you. It's not your partner. It's the bug.[DOUBLEPOST=1398821772,1398821473][/DOUBLEPOST]After I accepted I had PTSD, I've found being with other sufferers helpful. When you first see someone else who does the same things you do (lash out, cry for seemingly no reason, blame themselves for things that are not their fault, being scared out of their mind from a seemingly mundane thing), you realize: "I'm not crazy. This is normal." And you also realize by seeing someone else go through it, "The PTSD is not them. They are someone suffering from PTSD. Who they are is someone who is brave, kind, generous. And you know what? That's probably me too."
- Post starter
- #15
Poledancer2007
New Here
He is constantly txting anther PTSD sufferer. Flirting now, and the sexual innuendo is coming.
Been herr before so i know that his fall is coming and its not far away.
Ignoring me, as I've not been back since Saturday night. But posts on FB about been bored and on his own.
Finding this hard.[DOUBLEPOST=1398843651,1398843587][/DOUBLEPOST]
Been herr before so i know that his fall is coming and its not far away.
Ignoring me, as I've not been back since Saturday night. But posts on FB about been bored and on his own.
Finding this hard.[DOUBLEPOST=1398843651,1398843587][/DOUBLEPOST]
Thanks LostOne83. Know its his pattern but just finding it hard.
Okay, so I've been reading this and seeing lots of red flags. And NOW he's texting someone with sexual innuendos? I know you've been together for a long time, but, if you're putting up with everything and this, I think you need to seriously look into why you're accepting such behavior that is not valuing you in the least. You're getting crumbs and signals that he doesn't want to be with you and you're still there. Sometimes it's not just PTSD, but that people are just assholes. I'm sorry to be blunt, but at what point are *you* going to say, "*I* am worth more?"
- Post starter
- #17
Poledancer2007
New Here
He is texting a new PTSD sufferer who tried harming herself the other week. This is how he behaved last time when we found out he had PTSD.
Yes I am still here because this is not him. He is still in there somewhere and I can see that, and so can others. He has destroyed his relationship with his Mum, sister and Dad. Now its me.
I am worth more but I also known the person underneath who would put themselves on the line for me as well and has done on more then one occasion.
He wants space so he is getting space. I have my own issues I am dealing with so we are fueling each other's triggers. I am looking after myself but when he comes back I will be ready with some changes to thos relationship. He is not currently getting help but work are now forcing him to.
His breaking poiny is near - seen it before.
Yes I am still here because this is not him. He is still in there somewhere and I can see that, and so can others. He has destroyed his relationship with his Mum, sister and Dad. Now its me.
I am worth more but I also known the person underneath who would put themselves on the line for me as well and has done on more then one occasion.
He wants space so he is getting space. I have my own issues I am dealing with so we are fueling each other's triggers. I am looking after myself but when he comes back I will be ready with some changes to thos relationship. He is not currently getting help but work are now forcing him to.
His breaking poiny is near - seen it before.
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nursenurse
Diamond Member
Tread carefully, I read on another of your posts that he was flirting and that sexual innuendo would come. This IS him, not PTSD talking. He has choices as to what he is doing, PTSD is not making him do anything in this matter. If you continue in this you need to set clear boundaries, and stick with them. You have seen it before. why are you thinking so little of yourself to put up with such reprehensible behaviour and total lack of respect for yourself? Earlier, he said it was not the PTSD he had made his decision. don't fight him on that. It is quite probable that it is not the PTSD and that he truly has made his decision. You just keep throwing yourself back for more.
Why wait around for more emotional abuse,for him to get help he has been forced to get? Those who have been forced do not necessarily reap the benefits. He needs to want to go for himself, and that makes all the difference in the world. I see codependence, and this is not a healthy way to live. I am glad you are giving him space, more for your sake. You need the help you are seeking, you are worth more than what you are receiving from him.
Why wait around for more emotional abuse,for him to get help he has been forced to get? Those who have been forced do not necessarily reap the benefits. He needs to want to go for himself, and that makes all the difference in the world. I see codependence, and this is not a healthy way to live. I am glad you are giving him space, more for your sake. You need the help you are seeking, you are worth more than what you are receiving from him.
- Post starter
- #19
Poledancer2007
New Here
When this all started in 2007, this behaviour pattern was how we found out he had PTSD. It actually started out as an episode of Pyschosis. Following on from that he said it was like a switch in his head that told him we were not together anymore, even though his heart was telling him that we were so the behaviour of trying to hurt me started. It continued and he then finally got the help he needed after he broke down and apologised to me. I was going to his sessions and I was there when we discussed why he had done what he did. The therapist at the time was brilliant and understood what had happened to us both. He way of getting us back together was to invite me to his therapists sessions and discuss how this had affected me as well.
Yes he has said his PTSD has not made the decision - but he is a reflective person and his decision came in a matter of hours after a comment I made. He never justifies his decision about anything. He usually takes weeks to make a decision. I have been with this guy for a number of years and I have seen him at his worse - when he could not see a future past the end of the day. Twice he has been that bad and he ventured towards that today. I have seen other incidents set off his PTSD and this incidence started in Oct when he fell out with his Mum.
I have read alot around this subject and his pushing me away is typical behaviour. He feels guilty for how he has treated me in the past, and how he is treating me now. You can not reason with a person with PTSD: there is no discussion with them. In black and white they are right and focus upon every negative thing you have said. Mutual friends have seen a change in his behaviour: we know this is not the J that we know. He has fallen out with a mutual friend this morning because he saw them as 'interferring' all because they made a suggestion that we go for our exercise classes with them at seperate times as to not cause an atmosphere in the class. Perfectly reasonable request.
Now he is worried he is going to lose his job because of his referral. He asked me today how long I was staying away - I never told him last night I was not going back. He wanted his space he is getting his space. I am going back tonight but not sure if I am staying there or going back to my friends and I told him so. Yes it has happened before which is why I know his pattern of behaviour. He actually asked me why I had not seen his PTSD setting off earlier when all this kicked off 3 weeks ago today. I have been away since Sunday night.
I am taking in my own self worth - I love my job, have a support network and I am getting counselling for my own issues (which have been long around before him but only now are beginning to surface as I pushed them so far down).
I love him and not the PTSD person that is standing in front of me. He is still there and I know he is. His line manager has seen something in what he has said that he can not see. The counsellor saw the same with me - and has said that he will do and say anything to hurt me; to leave him alone and go. So I have. Now the realisation is sinking in.
His rock bottom is just days (not weeks) away. I am not throwing myself back for more. I have left him alone since Sunday afternoon - he contacted me. I am going for my own place on Friday to move my stuff into. May take some weeks to get it, but I have somewhere until the end of May with a friend whilst I sort out other accommodation for how ever long that may be.
Yes he has said his PTSD has not made the decision - but he is a reflective person and his decision came in a matter of hours after a comment I made. He never justifies his decision about anything. He usually takes weeks to make a decision. I have been with this guy for a number of years and I have seen him at his worse - when he could not see a future past the end of the day. Twice he has been that bad and he ventured towards that today. I have seen other incidents set off his PTSD and this incidence started in Oct when he fell out with his Mum.
I have read alot around this subject and his pushing me away is typical behaviour. He feels guilty for how he has treated me in the past, and how he is treating me now. You can not reason with a person with PTSD: there is no discussion with them. In black and white they are right and focus upon every negative thing you have said. Mutual friends have seen a change in his behaviour: we know this is not the J that we know. He has fallen out with a mutual friend this morning because he saw them as 'interferring' all because they made a suggestion that we go for our exercise classes with them at seperate times as to not cause an atmosphere in the class. Perfectly reasonable request.
Now he is worried he is going to lose his job because of his referral. He asked me today how long I was staying away - I never told him last night I was not going back. He wanted his space he is getting his space. I am going back tonight but not sure if I am staying there or going back to my friends and I told him so. Yes it has happened before which is why I know his pattern of behaviour. He actually asked me why I had not seen his PTSD setting off earlier when all this kicked off 3 weeks ago today. I have been away since Sunday night.
I am taking in my own self worth - I love my job, have a support network and I am getting counselling for my own issues (which have been long around before him but only now are beginning to surface as I pushed them so far down).
I love him and not the PTSD person that is standing in front of me. He is still there and I know he is. His line manager has seen something in what he has said that he can not see. The counsellor saw the same with me - and has said that he will do and say anything to hurt me; to leave him alone and go. So I have. Now the realisation is sinking in.
His rock bottom is just days (not weeks) away. I am not throwing myself back for more. I have left him alone since Sunday afternoon - he contacted me. I am going for my own place on Friday to move my stuff into. May take some weeks to get it, but I have somewhere until the end of May with a friend whilst I sort out other accommodation for how ever long that may be.
The sexual innuendoes is a big red flag. My boyfriend talks to other people more than me but it had never gotten to a sexual level. So with that I don't know what to think of that.
I know the he doesn't talk to me but posts on Facebook all too well. I am dealing with that today, it is our six year anniversary and he won't answer my texts but he has been posting on Facebook. I guess this is one of his bad days and he's trying to deal with the situation today seeing as we have had the past couple days as good days and had been talking a lot. Now he is closing me out. So all I can do is give him a couple days space until the spell passes.
I know the he doesn't talk to me but posts on Facebook all too well. I am dealing with that today, it is our six year anniversary and he won't answer my texts but he has been posting on Facebook. I guess this is one of his bad days and he's trying to deal with the situation today seeing as we have had the past couple days as good days and had been talking a lot. Now he is closing me out. So all I can do is give him a couple days space until the spell passes.
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- Post starter
- #21
Poledancer2007
New Here
He is trying to hurt me with the sexual innuendo, this is what he has done before to get a reaction from me. Not playing that game this time.
I have given him space, he contacted me.today and started panicking about work. Asked how long I am staying away for. Refers to it as life issues or parted company.
He is posting so I will see such as food he's made, or he's bored and only the cat for company.
The cracks are appearing. Intuition tells me it will be in the next couple of weeks after his OH referral. They will recommend counselling and I hope he tales out as fallen out with our exercise instructor now. She has helped him a lot with exercises and stretch classes as well as being a qualified massage therapist. Now he has nothing.
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It's just so hard ESP when you are waiting for them to go to treatment. He's had this appt since april 10 and his appt isn't until may 28(that's how backed up the VA hospital is) and I keep thinking oh this time apart isn't helping he's still the same but I have to realize he hasn't gone for his treatment yet so nothing has changed besides me leaving.
It's hard to tell what is going to happen in any situation like this, it is a constant waiting game and thats all you can do is wait and take one day at a time.
It's hard to tell what is going to happen in any situation like this, it is a constant waiting game and thats all you can do is wait and take one day at a time.
What about YOUR breaking point?
Who has time for this? Why should you even have to *think* that in a relationship, which is supposed to be nurturing, not exhausting? Through this, I'm afraid you have devalued yourself so much you can't even see how much more you deserve.
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- #24
Poledancer2007
New Here
Hell of a day yesterday. He has now fallen out with a mutual friend who he saw as interferring. All they were doing was protecting their business and trying to be fair as any one would.
He is now back in the bed after sleeping on the sofa, changed the sheets - fair enough - and pushed my pillow on the floor. Messages of the cat last night to me and a selfie with the cat and him. Then FB post about not liking these feelings and hitting the JD.
Probably after seeing I took a suitcase this time and not just an overnight bag with a lot of my clothes gone as well.
Seen this in his before when he has relapsed over work issue. Left him to it.
His pain is not my fault.
He is now back in the bed after sleeping on the sofa, changed the sheets - fair enough - and pushed my pillow on the floor. Messages of the cat last night to me and a selfie with the cat and him. Then FB post about not liking these feelings and hitting the JD.
Probably after seeing I took a suitcase this time and not just an overnight bag with a lot of my clothes gone as well.
Seen this in his before when he has relapsed over work issue. Left him to it.
His pain is not my fault.
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