I Sold My Soul For Less Than 50 Cents - Please Help....

[ghotiff]

I was reading Alex's thread today and now I can't stop crying. I didn't want to derail his thread, so I'm posting here.

I too was manipulated with money. Even adjusting for inflation, my soul was bought for less than 50 cents. I can still see that shiny coin...its decades ago...I was 7....but I feel so much pain and self-hatred...I know I was manipulated....I know I was groomed....but I feel like I sold myself for 50 cents.

I'm not a cryer....but I can't stop crying....I have to work in an hour....how do I make the pain stop please....

 

[Wyakin]

Oh @ghotiff I don't know what to stay to help but if you'll accept them I can send hugs :hug: You didn't sell your soul, someone took advantage of a 7 year old's innocence, someone who should have known better. This isn't your fault.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Wyakin - cyber hugs are appreciated.

I just wish I had been stronger. I don't want this life I'm in. I should be grateful because I have so much....but I'm so sick of this pain. My Pandoras box is now open and memories keep jumping out. I had neatly packed away that coin memory...and now its back.

 

[Pencil]

The shame is not yours for innocently, unknowingly selling for 50c, the shame belongs to person who knowingly bought for 50 c. We've all bartered, traded, sold ourselves for very little because we didn't know what we were doing or because we were so needy.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Pencil ... I'm starting to calm down now ... sobbing uncontrollably was really scary, its not something I do ...

It was so like Alex's story. The 50cents was a 'gift' ... he knew exactly what he was doing to me ... he knew exactly how to manipulate me ... I have so many gaps in my memory, but this I know for sure. I wish I knew how it all started. He was a stranger....how did I end up trapped in his world. I don't even know what age it started. I only know it ended at 7.

 

[Pencil]

Did you do it for the gift or for the attention that came with the 'gift'?

 

[ghotiff]

I think it was the attention.

 

[digger]

You didn't sell your soul. You didn't know anything was being 'bought'. You were seven. Would you expect another seven year old to have any concept of selling their soul?

 

[ghotiff]

Would you expect another seven year old to have any concept of selling their soul?

Thank you....no I wouldn't. You are right, I know 7 year olds ...they would have no idea the consequences of allowing an adult to do that....they have no frame of reference. Thankyou.

 

[Pencil]

You did it for attention, curiosity, a sense of wonder, normal exploration, learning. This is what kids do. You can't beat yourself up.

 

[ghotiff]

Its hard to not hate myself and be full of regret as there are so many consequences from it (and everything that happened after).

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks everyone....I got through my work meeting okay.

When I've been like that in the past its always been for only a short time and once I stop its like a switch and I instantly feel nothing....that didn't happen this time...I've never not been able to stop before.