I don't think there's anything wrong or shallow about what she presents, but I do think it's questionable why therapists would suggest vulnerability as a strategy for people living with ptsd.
Brene Brown teaches that our most treasured experience in life is connecting with other people. Consider how wonderful it feels to have your thoughts and feelings validated by another human being who understands you and values your needs or believes in what you've expressed. It's an amazing feeling! We all crave it. Many of us were denied that connection when we suffered our traumas. Sometimes we were invalidated and lied about in ways that turned a whole social group or network away from us. That's why when I read Dr. Brown's work and watched her Ted Talk, I felt relief! Let me explain.
Brene Brown says shame is a fear that we have. It's not a truth. It is a fear. A fear that if someone knew something about us, then they wouldn't want to connect with us. So, shame has nothing to do with who we are, what we like, what we say or what we do... it is not a tangible, valid, real feeling... it is a fear of something that might happen in the future. It's not about what happened in the past. Not at all! We remember stuff that makes us think that others won't want to connect with us, maybe for real and valid reasons, and then we feel the FEAR that they won't connect with us... and our cheeks burn, our eyes cast down, and our anxiety shoots through the roof. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I bury my head under the covers. I lie in bed in the morning terrified to face the day. And, it all hinges on "What if... " thinking. It all hinges on Thinking for Others.
When you find yourself thinking "what if...?" then, your mind is given permission to imagine anything that you've experienced before, that you've seen others experience, that you've been threatened with, or that you create for yourself. It isn't real. What if thinking is irrelevant. It's unhelpful. It hurts. Even if you're thinking, what if I win the lottery... because instead of daydreaming about something wonderful you could create in your life, you are daydreaming about something that is completely out of your control. Instead of thinking "What if..." think "What can I do..." "How can I create something wonderful today?" and start making plans. Just daydream some plans. You don't have to act on anything. Just start setting your imagination free to imagine stuff that you can actually do, right now, that will make your day go better. Anything that might help you sleep better tonight.
When you think for other people, you are creating out of your own set of fears a scenario that isn't real. It may be realistic, and you may be able to influence others to play the role you've set for them; but you are creating that situation yourself. It's best not to allow you mind free range to imagine scenario after scenario of what people probably think of you. In fact, I have heard it said that "It is none of your business what people think of you." And, that's true to a T. When you think of it, there is nothing that someone can think of you that can be more true and accurate than what you think of yourself and so, what does it matter what they think? They can't be right about you if they think differently than you. If you think something negative about yourself, then you would be much better off imagining how you can change yourself so that you like yourself better, or respect yourself more. When you worry what others think of you, it just overwhelms you into a very dark place... but, if you would apply the energy it takes to worry about what others think of you toward planning ways that you would respect yourself more... then, you might actually create something wonderful for yourself today.
So, IMHO, "what if thinking" and "Thinking for others" are two major factors in feeling shame. You cannot feel ashamed if you aren't doing those two things. You would still feel guilt, but that is a different thing all together. Guilt can be managed. Guilt is something we feel for something we did or said in the past, and we recognize that we were wrong. We usually understand why we were wrong and we learn from the experience. We would never make that choice again. We can look back at guilt with a hint of embarrassment, but we can dismiss it knowing that we learned... we can even feel proud that we learned from the mistake. Guilt is a much different experience.
Shame we can feel for something an attacker did to us. For instance, upon reading Dr. Brown's work, I was struck by the way her definition of shame could so easily apply to my irrational shame for being a victim. There is a social stigma applied to rape victims. A social stigma is like a collective belief that someone with a certain issue is best avoided, or only included as long as they don't talk about it. So, if shame is the fear that people wouldn't want to connect with me if they find out something about me... then, understanding the stigma of being a rape victim legitimizes my fear... making it real. Suddenly, my feeling of shame is no longer in my control. I feel the shame because other people are uncomfortable with what happened TO ME. That's f*cked up. Right?
So, I take back my power over feeling ashamed, and I decide that anyone who is so uncomfortable with ME and MY victimization, isn't worth my time. This is also covered in Brene Brown's work. She says "You have to earn the right to hear my shame story." I don't have to go around making people uncomfortable with my victimization just to show them that I won't be made to feel ashamed by it, but I will absolutely recognize when someone COULD hear my shame story and not be uncomfortable. That's the person I will gravitate toward. Most people don't fit in that category, but that's THEIR shame. They may not be aware of it... but I am. I see their shame, and I leave it with them. Why should I be ashamed of being victimized? I didn't choose it! Why should I feel afraid that someone won't like me because I was victimized? I wouldn't like THEM if they felt that way. So, they should be ashamed... and I just let them be that way. I know that most people won't be friend-worthy. I can have acquaintances whom I wouldn't share my personal experiences with. I can still do stuff with them.
This is why what Brene Brown teaches is so important to me, as a trauma survivor.
