What Do You Talk About?

[Skylynx]

Okay, you start therapy and then find yourself in a strong Transference relationship with the therapist, but you're scared out of your socks to talk about it. So, what do you talk about to keep things going until you get up the courage? What if you find this is really the only problem you have? I'm in this impass and afraid the T will give up on me before I can get up the nerve to discuss Transference. :banghead:

 

[ellienad]

Maybe write out how you're feeling and have your T read it. I have found this to be extremely helpful when I'm having a hard time bringing something up or talking about certain things. If you were to talk about it, you could start your sentence with something like "I don't know how to bring this up but...." or "I'm having a really hard time bringing this up...." or "I want to talk about something but I'm scared to....." etc.

I find that when there's something I'm scared to talk about in therapy, it comes out naturally when the time is right. Be patient and hang in there!

 

[ButterflyBean]

I like the idea of writing your thoughts/feelings out. Some Ts prefer that you verbalize how you are feeling, so if this is the case, maybe you could have bullet points to help you along. At any rate, I want you to know that you are not alone with the issue of transference; it's something that occurs at all stages of therapy on some level. I for one have been struggling with it recently, and I have reached a point in my journey where I have to end therapy altogether, as the relationship is no longer therapeutic. However, transference is an issue therapists deal with regularly, so if you take your time, I believe you can work through it! Just be patient with yourself and don't give up!

An active member, @NovemberStar, has recently posted about her struggle with the same problem; you may find her experience and some of the replies to her thread helpful: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/struggling-transference-is-so-deeply-painful.42065/

I wish you the best!

~Holly

 

[NovemberStar]

SNAP!!! Was just going to say read my thread!

It took me a long time. But, after sending her an email about it last week AND seeing her and talking (a little bit) about it on Friday, I am feeling so super positive about it now! :)

I very much recommend telling her - I found it easier via email, because I knew that seeing her in person, I'd not be able to physically talk about it - literally. What I found helpful was to tell her I have a list of my Biggest Fears to talk about. In one meal I was able to list one or two of them, but wasn't very specific. I alluded to 'the connection' in therapy, and said I was incredibly vulnerable and triggered a LOT by anything connected to the connection my T and I have. After a session talking about one of the things (what I feared she see's in me / thinks of me), I got the courage to email her the whole transference thing (see my thread above).

We will take our time. We balanced last session between talking a little bit about this, and talking about other things - because too much too soon would be too overwhelming, so it's important we go slow.

Things to remember:

1) It is NORMAL. :)

2) It is EXPECTED - T's do not 'wonder IF' transference will happen - they wonder WHEN and IF the client is going to ever want to bring it up.

3) It's not about your T. Your feelings, no matter what they are, will be about previous relationships in your life

4) Don't freak out if you start thinking you're 'in love' with your T - whether your T is same sex or opposite sex, 'erotic transference' is very normal, and it's not about love or sex at all, but rather, about deeply held (and very normal) childlike needs, but they are being expressed in an adult way (i.e. as a child we long to be held, to be kept safe and protected). As we mature emotionally, those needs are still there; but they are now expressed in a more adult (and completely normal) way - we go from 'wanting to be held' to 'wanting' a deeper, more intimater, relationship (sexually). Far from being 'wrong' it actually shows you have the adult capability - emotionally - for a deeper emotional connection.

5) No need to feel shame (I put that there cos I do - a LOT of shame, hence why I avoided bringing it up previously)

I found the 'tales of a boundary ninja' blog the MOST helpful thing I've EVER read on transference. It really helped me feel it is 'ok' to feel the way I do, to not feel ashamed, and it gave me the confidence I needed to let my T know how I felt.

It's a sign of a good therapeutic relationship I think - you trust your T enough to allow yourself to have these feelings. I have not had transference with all of the T's I've seen - namely cos I was fighting it, and suppressing anything remotely linked to the possibility of me ever feeling those things. But with this one, I felt she was safe enough to allow myself to have the feelings develop.

I'm SO GLAD I opened up to my T. In a lot of ways I feel safer in my relationship with her, and closer overall - but not in a painful way. Know she knows (i.e. I have bought it up) we can work on avoiding re-creating the traumatic relationship I had with my mother. My T talked about this with me - she said it's very important I let her know if / when I feel 'wounded' - so we can talk about it. She acknowledges it will be very difficult for me to do, but it is very important I try. She has no intention to recreate past pain! :):):)

Being honest with her, has meant she is more sensitive to my sensitivities - now she knows how I feel, she is even more aware of the potential for me begin inadvertently hurt by what she might say or do. :)

I know it won't always be 'great' and 'warm' and 'safe' - I know there is a LOT of pain and anger, and hurt, and betrayal feelings associated with my mother, that will probably be re-expereinced in the T relationship. BUT - because she is a very good T, and really knows what she is doing, it will overall help me SO much. Because unlike the relationship with my mother, the therapeutic relationship with my T has huge potential to be the safest relationship I have ever experienced.

With GREAT boundaries, designed to keep me safe.

What could be better than that?!:)

I hope you know you're not alone, and I hope you can keep positing for support - hey, we can be 'transference buddies' and support each other. We can remind each other, that as hard and awful it is at times, ultimately, it could be the best thing that has ever happened in terms of our healing :D.

 

[Lucycat]

Personally I have never found the need to discuss transference with T at all. That doesn't mean it hasn't occurred. Its more because I had read up, realised that it was 'normal', so just carried on with therapy and ignored it. I have no doubt that T picked up on it, but it never became 'an issue'. I rather felt that there were more important things for me to worry about - like survival.

I am not trying to dismiss or invalidate other people's experiences. I think I really just don't 'get it'.

 

[Suzetig]

I can see what you mean @Lucycat, I think there's sometimes the temptation to analyse everything in therapy and ascribe meaning where there may not be any. Transference is part of the process and unless its getting in the way, eg your obsessing so much you can't cope between sessions, you can't open up to your T because of the meaning the relationship holds for you, there may be no need to get into it. I also tend to think that if you do feel the need to discuss into it, that'll happen naturally and at a time that feels ok. In the meantime, take the week by week "stuff" to session and see how it goes.

 

[Hashi]

Hi Skylynx,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm a little confused by what you might be meaning when you say transference.

So, what do you talk about to keep things going until you get up the courage?

Are you in therapy for symptoms or to process events that have happened to you? Transference is something that can come up along the way, but it isn't the main point of therapy. In the meantime (or most of the time) you'd be talking about your reasons for going to therapy - or you'd be doing things around that, such as getting to know each other and working on coping skills.

What if you find this is really the only problem you have?

Could you explain a little more what you mean?

 

[Pencil]

I think I really just don't 'get it'.

there may be no need to get into it

but it isn't the main point of therapy.

With attachment issues and trauma that was relational, transference is the main issue. For this reason there is Transference-Focused Therapy.

 

[Hashi]

@Skylynx does what Pencil say apply to you?

@Pencil in that case, presumably the therapist would be leading/guiding on how to talk about transference? Or it would be better to find one who will?

 

[Pencil]

@Hashi. I have no idea :D - I know what it is like for me, but have no idea how it would be handled in therapy.

 

[Suzetig]

@Pencil, I understand about Transference-focused Therapy but assumed if this was the model the OPs T was working with, she would guide @Skylynx through the process - it didn't seem to tie in with the fear that the T would terminate if she struggled to talk about transference.

@Skylynx, do you know which models of therapy your T works with - as @Pencil rightly points out, transference is more of an issue with some than with others so if you know the process your working with you can gauge whether this is something that will hold back your therapy or not.

 

[Skylynx]

Much thanks for responding. My reason for therapy is that I have Inner Child issues where the 'child' is so dissociated from my adult self that I have a lot of anxiety, nightmares, horrors, etc. My adult self copes really well, but the "child' is frequently interfering. I'm a tough gal on the surface and in front of the therapist a lot of the time. Until recently, I denied this weak child existed and was very hostile to the inner child idea.

Now I realize the child inside imagines T is the good mother she never had. But the child is wrong. This child is so terrified of T saying "I won't be your mother" that she forbids me to come even near to mentioning it. Though I know it's true T can't be mother at all. I know that more than anything else in the world!
Yes, I should write this down and also just chill, perhaps, hoping it will all settle out in due time. I could talk about x-boyfriend, Roy, for weeks, tho I don't care a hoot about him now, lol.