More Invalidation – Will It Ever Stop.

[ghotiff]

During the decade of my CSA (childhood sexual assault) my cries for help were regular but were either not noticed, ignored, or at worst directly discussed but then dismissed and never referred to again. I learnt to hide everything. When you repeatedly ask for help and the answer is a subtle but functional ‘no’ then you learn to stop asking. It is less painful to believe that people aren’t helping you because you haven’t told them, than face the truth that people aren’t helping because they just don’t care enough about you to move outside their comfort zone and actually ‘do’ something.

I think it is this betrayal that hurts the most, and it is this betrayal that repeats itself still today. I spoke to my Husband the other night. Not the first time, but it will be the last time. I spoke about my pain, I spoke about my issues … I heard back that I don’t need therapy…that my pain is not as bad as I think it is... that my issues are not as bad as I think they are.… I was told (and I quote) “you are not that unique”, “everyone has trauma from their past”…when citing a specific example of how I get scared, I was given examples about how he too feels this way etc etc.

I can’t prove my feelings. I can’t even say for certain that my fears etc are greater or more frequent than someone elses. But, in my heart I don’t think I am ‘normal’. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m ‘special’ or ‘unique’, this website is testament to how many people suffer more than I do….but to be told by H that my issues are no more than everyone elses really hurt.

So, after this ‘conversation’ with H….I sat there and noticed my self talk…of repeating to myself over and over ‘it doesn’t matter’ with the internal message of ‘I don’t matter’. I also noticed how this mirrored my CSA where I learnt that ‘I’ don’t matter…that my thoughts and feelings are just not relevant (during the abuse)…that no-one else cares (no-one is willing to help me)….that my body is not my own (its free to anyone who has the power dynamic to take it).

I keep hearing the lyrics from Frozen. “A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen …Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.” And then follows the dramatic and cathartic “Let it go, let it go. And I'll rise like the break of dawn”. I have never (and will never) get the cathartic “let it go”. I’m not allowed to “let it go”. Every single time in my life that I have tried to “let it go”, that is, let my emotions out and discuss how I’m feeling, I’m effectively told that my ‘feelings don’t count’, that I’m ‘over-reacting’, that its ‘not that bad’.

I spoke to my T about H. Her response was that likely he deals with things by putting them behind him and look forward and he just (unhelpfully) applied his approach to me. I don’t disagree with this … and to be fair, she did say other things but nothing that made me feel validated in being so hurt by H. I know I’ve only had 2 sessions with her….but right now I just want to quit and give up.

So, what am I asking? I don’t know.... Am I alone in this? Am I too sensitive? Am I unreasonable to want more from my T? Do I try to discuss this again with my T?

 

[Ryn]

@ghotiff, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You are definitely not alone. I can resonate so much. My family in particular has always diminished my issues and shoved me under the bus, even though I almost never ask for help or let my feelings out (because of this very reason, I suppose).

When you repeatedly ask for help and the answer is a subtle but functional ‘no’ then you learn to stop asking. It is less painful to believe that people aren’t helping you because you haven’t told them, than face the truth that people aren’t helping because they just don’t care enough about you to move outside their comfort zone and actually ‘do’ something.

This is so painfully true.

Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m ‘special’ or ‘unique’

Well, I think you are. :hug: I think every single human being is special and unique. You deserve to be listened to and protected, not cast aside and repeatedly dismissed.

I definitely think you should bring this up again with your T, if it is bothering you. She may not be able to change your husband's behaviour, but perhaps could provide some insight that might help in some way. I can't speak for your husband, but in my experience sometimes the reason my family dismissed me was because they were afraid of accepting how bad of a state I was in, and denying or downplaying it was easier than standing with me to face the horrors of what I'd been through. This is clearly not fair to us, though, and it is such a frustrating thing all around.

But, you do matter. I hope you won't give up on therapy. I feel that way so many times (in fact, I am struggling with it at the moment), but you are absolutely worth the time and effort therapy costs. You DO matter enough to have therapy, you deserve relief from the pain you are dealing with. It is so hard when we are constantly dismissed from childhood, and we learn that that is what we deserve, when in actuality we deserve the opposite.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it is a painful truth. Hard to break when it seems it's reinforced.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it is this betrayal that hurts the most, and it is this betrayal that repeats itself still today. I spoke to my Husband the other night. Not the first time, but it will be the last time. I spoke about my pain, I spoke about my issues … I heard back that I don’t need therapy…that my pain is not as bad as I think it is... that my issues are not as bad as I think they are.… I was told (and I quote) “you are not that unique”, “everyone has trauma from their past”…when citing a specific example of how I get scared, I was given examples about how he too feels this way etc etc.

I think its one thing to give someone the "just move forward" attitude, a completely different thing to say "you are not that unique". The former is something said by someone who is trying to be helpful but terribly misguided. The latter is something said by someone who is totally minimizing your experience and telling you that what you went through is common.

I kinda think your husband is an arse, to be frank. My take on the situation is that your husband thinks you have an "I am special because of the abuse" sort of attitude that perhaps puts the focus on you and off of him? I don't know, maybe this is a shot in the dark, but seriously, it says a LOT about someone when they tell someone else "you are not that unique" because it is a statement that is a direct blow to ones self-esteem and honestly, I think it is abusive to tell someone that. That is, Its like he needs to take you down a notch. So not cool, and yeah, this goes beyond just telling someone to look forward and get over the past (as many do).

 

[ghotiff]

You are definitely not alone

It really helps to hear that. I really struggle with fears that I'm 'over-reacting' and just being 'silly'.

It is so hard when we are constantly dismissed from childhood, and we learn that that is what we deserve, when in actuality we deserve the opposite

I struggle to trust and judge my own emotions. I have children and I have read many parenting books. One common theme is that children lean to manage and regulate their emotions by watching others (mainly parents) react to their emotions. If a child falls from play equipment, they look to their parent to regulate what they feel and what just happened eg, depending on the fall they either are encouraged to get back up and play, or to sit quietly, or rushed to the doctor.
In childhood abuse I believe that you get conflicting messages. You are actively being hurt (and feel hurt) but at the same time you are encouraged to discount those feelings and display something else. Later you try to tell others and they either don't believe you or downplay what happened and how hurt you feel.

statement that is a direct blow to ones self-esteem

Yes, again @Solara you have hit the nail on the head....this is exactly what it felt like. I just wished my T acknowledge this.

 

[shimmerz]

Oh @ghotiff, it is such a difficult feeling. yes, we are meant to be validated by our parents and then we learn to validate ourselves. Therapists are meant to stand in for our parents and the lessons we did not properly learn from them. As a foster child myself, and under CAS care, with most people believing that these people are saints for helping disadvantaged children, well, we both know that is not true.

Your T's responses as well as your H's seem totally grounded in ignorance and irresponsibility. I hope you can find a modicum of validation here with us. The ones that have walked the walk. Hear their voices louder than your T and H's if you can. So many people don't have words for this stuff or disbelieve (as sometimes even we can hardly believe how others can act) but that does not make your experience ANY less valid.

People just cannot seem to understand that the very societies that they are trusting will take care of disadvantaged and misplaced children like ourselves is actually a big farce. They just don't want to believe it. It is not a good excuse at all.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much @shimmerz

I hope you can find a modicum of validation here with us. The ones that have walked the walk. Hear their voices louder than your T and H's if you can

I will aim to hear your voices louder as you suggest. It's just so hard when my H who should know me best hurt me in this way. It was just another message that I need to continue to hide my inner self because my insides are just too confronting and difficult for most people reconcile so they default to denial and minimization.

It helps immensely that I'm not alone in these feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I think that the minimization has a gaslighting type effect which leaves me struggling to maintain my own truth. Sometimes I even "like" my abuse related health issue because they at least validate that I'm not making this up, I am actually hurting, it is real. How unhealthy is that !

Sorry, maybe this is the start of my "anger" coming.

 

[shimmerz]

I think that the minimization has a gaslighting type effect which leaves me struggling to maintain my own truth.

I absolutely agree with this @ghotiff. Hurt comes in my experience before anger - I had one of those this weekend and it was awful. But it worked out and I am realizing that finally I am getting to a place where I can speak my truth regardless of how others feel about it. No sorry for anger. It is well deserved. It is uncomfortable maybe, but it is a learning process as we are allowed to be hurt and angry.

 

[Powder]

It seems odd that your T. and H. would both be so invalidating in the same time period. What do you think has happened?
I have read that when someone starts to get stronger and integrates more, the find that they get "tested" right away with a "repeated" set of circumstances that they didn't get to have success with in the past.

I hope my line of questioning is helpful to you to reflect:

1. Has this feeling come up before?
2. If so, what in you has changed this time, and what do you see about yourself that is newly noticed?

I hope that whatever it is you are supposed to learn or see about yourself, such as that you no longer need the same level of outside validation, but it still hurts when it's not given, shows something about you that is good to see.

I don't know for sure, but it could be that this is a sign that you are getting stronger.

 

[ghotiff]

It seems odd that your T. and H. would both be so invalidating in the same time period.

My take on this is that I'm not surprised by my H...its not the first time and he is just like every other 'normal' in the way that he responded. I was surprised by my T. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised there either. It was only our 2nd session and likely I wanted too much from her so early on.

Why is all this happening now? Well....I locked all this past away a long time ago and I had systems to manage my issues. As my kids grow older and their needs change I could see that I won't be able to keep applying my same systems and be the parent that I want to be. So, I thought now is the time to do therapy and once it was initiated I realised I had opened Pandoras box. Added on top of this was that I had a poor therapist in the beginning (now ex-T) that pushed me to hard, too fast ... so I didn't just peak into Pandoras box, the lid was ripped off and all the locks where destroyed.

So, what to do now. My husband thinks I should shut back up Pandoras box (he understandably wants a quick fix).... but I don't know if I can shut it back to where it was before and if I try to shut it back up it will be really hard (it will take a long time and be very hard) ...and then I worry I won't have the strength to risk opening it again. Also (more importantly) I won't be healed enough to be able to be the parent that I want to be while my kids are growing up.

I have read that when someone starts to get stronger and integrates more, the find that they get "tested" right away with a "repeated" set of circumstances that they didn't get to have success with in the past.

So, maybe I am stronger now, and I am being 'tested' now. Because now I'm not pretending things didn't happen. In the past I very rarely spoke to my H about this type of things....and when I did...I certainly wouldn't have shared what happened with a T (I had no T).... and if I would have shared with my friends they would have explained what H said from their view (which would have made him in the right), and I would have backed down immediately with the accepted common theme that 'if everyone says it, it must be true and my feelings must be wrong'. So maybe I am stronger, because I know that my feelings aren't wrong/made-up/pretend...they are real and they hurt....and I don't want to hide/deny them anymore. I just also don't want to be alone with them either....but it seems I have to be (at least in the 3D world).

 

[shimmerz]

and I don't want to hide/deny them anymore.

That in itself is a HUGE victory @ghotiff! These trials are steps forward. Sometimes they seem to be overshadowed by the ichy feeling that comes with them, but try if you can to give yourself credit for having the courage to begin the journey of doing what you set out to do in the first place - being the kind of parent you want to be for your children. Keep your eye on the prize and if this T doesn't serve you in that purpose then keep looking.

I know my T challenged me at times and it did shake things up and I know that he was trying to get me to be able to speak my truth. Listen maybe to see if your T hears your truth. Maybe start with baby steps like 'I am not sure how I feel about what you said......' and let them start the discussion.

 

[ghotiff]

I sent my T a long email. It was difficult making myself so exposed and then waiting so many hours for her reply, but she sent one back (just now) acknowledging each and every point that I made. I really appreciated her putting the time into the email that she wrote. That she bothered to spend the time on such a long and careful email helps me trust that she will be there for me when/if I need her to be. It makes me feel that I am more than just a commodity to her which is a huge thing for me.

Keep your eye on the prize

This is a good statement to hold on to during the tough times. Thanks.