More Invalidation – Will It Ever Stop.

[shimmerz]

So happy for you @ghotiff. And look at how proactive you were! Look at you taking your life back! :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

:)

 

[Powder]

Even though people may not see the sea change inside of you, you do, and we are witnessing it here.

You are self-validating. :tup::hug:

That is going to be huge for your children to see. Make sure to make yourself a blessing as you do so, in order that they can see the good that is involved in having self-respect, no matter what.

I'm so pleased to hear this news about your T. Not because of what it says about her, but because of what it says about you. Thank you for this thread.

I've found myself thinking on this today and realize that this is so important to me. No, the world will never stop invalidation but we can become immune and stronger inside and model that for others to also take for themselves.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's good @ghotiff . :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

I often re-read threads so that I can learn even more from them than I did the first time through.

denying or downplaying it was easier than standing with me to face the horrors of what I'd been through

This is really starting to resonate with me and explain things. If people were going to help me, then they would have to asked more questions and dug deeper to understand what was really going on. The truth of what was happening was very likely just too scary for them to explore.

most people believing that these people are saints for helping disadvantaged children, well, we both know that is not true

I do feel that there are a number of 'normals' who see, and choose to only see the world through rose coloured glasses. Ignorance is bliss.

That is going to be huge for your children to see

I will hold on to this thought because its true that even though my kids see me crumple more often now, they also see me stand up for myself more now. Its okay for me to model self caring through the hard times and also model strength and boundaries through the good times.

 

[Rumors]

@ghotiff
"I spoke to my T about H. Her response was that likely he deals with things by putting them behind him and look forward and he just (unhelpfully) applied his approach to me. I don’t disagree with this … and to be fair, she did say other things but nothing that made me feel validated in being so hurt by H. I know I’ve only had 2 sessions with her….but right now I just want to quit and give up."

I just read through this thread. I guess my question is, what response would you have liked your therapist to have had? I am confused because it seems that her reply was helpful in understanding the nature of your husbands bonehead statement and by your post, you said she validated you as well.

I think so many times we project our anger, frustration, hurt onto everyone else and expect them to have the same response. When they don't, we feel like they don't care. Beware of this abyss. You can't expect your therapist, or anyone, to have the same emotion about your situation as you have. Your anger and frustration should be saved for discussing your husbands inability to be supportive and listen and how you will deal with that need along with the root cause of your abuse.

I understand how all of those emotions can be confusing and get wrapped up into one big roller coaster. I find myself misplacing my anger a lot. I have to really check in with what is going on in my mind to keep myself focusing on the root issue. Please don't take my post as criticizing because I truly believe that you are valid in feeling cheated in your discussion, just not with your therapist. I think you may have to explain to your husband what you need from him and let that sit with him a while. I think depending on our spouses to share details of abuse is more than they can handle personally. When you love someone, you can't hear the atrocities of their past without trying to visualize those things. They can become overwhelming to ones mind. Although I think your husbands response was hugely disappointing, I also wonder if he can't even process your story and in fear dismisses it because he can't bare to think of his wife's pain. I don't know, but I urge you to at least explore the possibilities so that you can find a little peace in how that works.

I hope you will receive this post in the spirit in which it was intended. I think you are spot on that you weren't validated, but I think the person you are really frustrated with is your husband. I think you are pretty amazing for realizing that you have needs and they aren't getting filled. I think expressing to your therapist that you need her to respond in a certain way is incredibly brave and I imagine she will rise to the occasion. Hang in there!!!! Sending loads of strength.

 

[ghotiff]

by your post, you said she validated you as well

I didn't feel validated by my T and I don't think I posted that ... maybe my communication wasn't clear.
"and to be fair, she did say other things but nothing that made me feel validated in being so hurt"

I think so many times we project our anger, frustration, hurt onto everyone else and expect them to have the same response. When they don't, we feel like they don't care. Beware of this abyss

Interesting point. I don't think I expected her to have the same response, but maybe I expected her to automatically know and understand my response. I likely didn't explain my response clearly (I don't show emotions and I'm not good at verbally sharing emotions either). I need to work on this.

I think depending on our spouses to share details of abuse is more than they can handle personally.

I didn't do this and over the past few days I'm starting to think that this is part of the what went wrong. He thinks he knows what happened, he maybe knows 2% of it. I couldn't tell him (and I wouldn't tell him) all the horrific details or the other relevant details. When I spoke to my husband the other night I spoke about how much I was hurting now/today and my current issues/symptoms but maybe with him only knowing that 2% of my abuse (but thinking that was everything) it might make sense that he thought I could be over-reacting.

I hope you will receive this post in the spirit in which it was intended

Yes I did, Thanks.

 

[shimmerz]

@ghotiff I think it is so hard for people who have not dealt with the issues we have to validate them. If validation is what you need and you feel you are not getting it from your T would you be able to express to her that you need validation and if that can't be provided move on and find another T? Just a suggestion but if @Rumors is correct and you were projecting the only way to know that is to ask your T for clarification. It may have just been a miscommunication error. Maybe she deserves a chance to clarify and perhaps you need to see if you are getting what you need out of this relationship with your T. I am not sure if you are ready for this but it is a good thing to attempt to get to (at your own time and without any pressure being put on yourself.)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The definition of Pandora's box is that it simply can't be closed, so I hope you ignore any urges to go back and try and shove all this stuff away. You may be able to hide it somewhat, and fake it to others, but unfortunately the only real way out is through.

To most, Pandora's box is just an ancient myth. They don't understand that we CAN'T just let it go and move on. That's sort of the crux of PTSD. (If we could move on, we wouldn't have this disorder, but healing is a lot more involved than just deciding to move on.) It would be akin to telling a cancer patient to just not have cancer anymore!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy I told my husband and he did not believe me at all. I had to educate and teach him. I also do not display emotions. I never cry but I can mourn and grieve.

I wish you the very best.

 

[alrite]

It's just so hard when my H who should know me best hurt me in this way. It was just another message that I need to continue to hide my inner self because my insides are just too confronting and difficult for most people reconcile so they default to denial and minimisation. Sometimes I even "like" my abuse related health issue because they at least validate that I'm not making this up, I am actually hurting, it is real. How unhealthy is that !

validation is essential to recovery,. the pain is like a knife stuck in our back where we can't reach it or even see it clearly. We can't ignore it and we can't get over it without help. Being told that the knife is just your imagination or you are faking only makes it worse. Anything that validates the existence of the knife is comforting even the symptoms. I am thankful for the panic attacks I experience in therapy for this reason.

It is terrible to be invalidated, which is what your T unwittingly did by rationalizing your husband's cruel response. You could have done that yourself, it just wouldn't have helped. You've been ignoring the wound for years at great cost with no benefit (other than avoiding the pain of being told to ''get on it" ). You've been stuck in denial for many years, validation will help you more forward in healing.