If I Want To Meet My Niece

[Wolvescry]

I have a huge dilemma. My cousin had her first baby girl, and we grew up close so I have been so excited. She suffered the same abuse I did as a child but from a different person and for a longer time period, I think 5 to 10 years. Sometimes I feel she thinks I should toughen up or I am being a big baby. Her solution is to be cold. But since she became preggos I heard she has become more caring. I was excited when I found out she was pregnant. But she lives 4 cities away and plus I get so anxious at the thought of going to any baby shower. So I did not go to hers.

When she gave birth I message her to see if I can visit the hospital. But she never messaged back, I tried several more times to make contact throughout the week but they all failed. I was really sad. But finally my last text made contact. And she said I could meet her but I have to meet at my grandma's.

This is a problem, because when I made my police report she said she would not believe it till I came in person and told her myself. This was very hurtful for many reasons. Now I am worried about going, I am not mentally able to be interrogated again. I do not know what to do. I really want to hold my little niece in my arms and meet her little soul but I am scared and anxious. How do I handle this? Any suggestions?

 

[Rizen]

Sometimes the price of not doing something is worse than the thing it's self. It sounds like something you might talk to a therapist about and make a plan. Maybe set boundaries that you're only there to see your family and not to talk about bad past stuff. That's my two cents.

 

[shimmerz]

@Wolvescry I agree with @Rizen. I have this same dilemma in regards to my grandson. I have decided that I am going to write for him. I have seen him 2x and he is 2.5 months old now. The price I have to pay in order to see him is too high but I can honour his spirit. I have made a commitment to myself that I will not put more effort or any more pain into relationships that seem to require me to put my neck through a hoop in order to reach the carrot. I don't know what your beliefs are but I feel that I can attach in spirit to my grandson and that I will do along with the book of notes I will write to him and present to him one day when the skies are clearer. Not sure if that helps you - they are just my thoughts.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[BloomInWinter]

You are entitled to your thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and memories. Nobody has the right to tell you these things aren't accurate, mis-remembered, mistaken, or wrong.

She likely cannot look at her trauma at this point in time. She has her defenses up to allow her to function as a Mom. Nor is she entitled to have any say in how you choose to heal. She is allowed to have her opinion, but she doesn't have the right to grill you.

If you are up to it, what a new Mom needs isn't someone talking about the past and possibly destabilizing her current functioning. All she likely can handle is some gal talk about how wonderful her baby is, and perhaps offers of food, fluids, laundry, etc. if you feel like it.

I never got any of that. I had kept all my family distant, for good reason. I was undiagnosed, but knew at some level I couldn't risk any talk about the past or crash. How I wish just someone in my family would have been healthy enough to just offer me help but leave the past alone. But I had no idea I needed that.

The past came crashing down all by itself just a few years later, but thankfully not when my babies were tiny.

There may come a time where you both are receiving great support and your lives are stable. Or, maybe not.

But it sounds like you wish to be in her life as an Aunt. You might consider just aiming for that and dealing with the past on here and in therapy so it doesn't steal one moment of your enjoyment of her. A simple "I'm here to be with you both and I'd love it if we could focus on enjoying your baby" or other re-direction away from any intrusive questions of hers might yield so good results.

A simple "I don't wish to discuss it, thanks" can stop some questions. If a reason is demanded, "because I don't want to" is more than sufficient. Other people don't have any rights to what is in our heads.

 

[Wolvescry]

I have considered that this is the time she wants to focus on being a mommy, and never planned on bringing it up to her, I don't want her to really know, but I am sure other family have told her something, and also think that is why she avoids me. I would never bring it up to her because I know what it can do. And I did plan on only seeing her little angel and talk to her about her mommy dreams, thats all I really ever wanted. I have sensed that she has been distance towards me for a long time so I respected it. And if it really makes her feel uncomfortable for me to meet her baby I can respect.

The person I am worried about is my grandmother prying or other family members. I am sure I will be triggered and I do not want to risk triggering my cousin in anyway. I just want to see her be a mommy and meet the little girl she created. She looks like her mom already, I seen pictures. She looks like all of us. My moms side of the family is mostly women who have a reputation of being gorgeous. And her little girl already fits the part.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sorry. I didn't think you'd be the one bringing it up, but the other relatives by what you said.

It may not feel like it, but you're the healthy one for being strong enough to face things and yet care about her, her child, and yet seeking a way to stay grounded.

Trust yourself. I think you'll handle yourself a lot better than you think. If the other relatives can't behave themselves, that's not your responsibility, nor can you control what any of them do. Hence, if it was me, I'd try to stick to my own reasons for being there, and keep reminding myself that nobody has the power to take that away.

Your heart is in the right place. Do what you want to do.

 

[shimmerz]

How I wish just someone in my family would have been healthy enough to just offer me help but leave the past alone. But I had no idea I needed that.

I think given what I am hearing in this thread and through my experiences that you are dead on about what you are saying about defenses etc. It is this statement that has got me though. When trying to reach an arm out to help and with the person and wanting to focus just on the baby, and the mother not knowing that her defenses are up, it is very difficult not to be the target of some pretty nasty projection. Family noise in the background just makes it worse.

Do what you want to do.

And I think this is where things get confused. I am hearing @Wolvescry (correct me if I am wrong @Wolvescry) saying she wants to be there but can't without possible collateral damage happening. So it is a damned if you do and damned if you don't thing.