A Trigger, And Then I Create Problems

[shimmerz]

Yes it's hard to feel like I am any 'gift', personally. Actually impossible.

Given the trauma-esq nature of triggers and the fact that it was mother's day and any type of relationship that has to do with mother's, especially given your mother's suicide, is bound to upset the delicate balance in the mind. Is that truly self sabotage or is it that nobody *maybe you included* doesn't understand that it is painful to watch mother;s day honours being doled out. So many things can come into play.

I need to ask here, if someone had not played into the bait of arguing (which is protective behaviour it sounds like), then is it possible this could have been avoided? Does he understand you have PTSD? Does he understand the nature of reactivity?

 

[Meadowsweet]

@AqueousAndroid given the nature of your trauma, the feelings you've mentioned regarding mothers day, aswell as your self-blame regarding the relationship seem very much related. Are you able to see the relation yourself?

 

[silkleaves]

Don't feel bad @AqueousAndroid I am 37 with three serious relationships...my ex husband said he only married me because he felt sorry for me (I was pregnant when we met), the next ex laughed when I asked him about marriage (found out 5yrs later he was already married) and the last one after 3yrs, plus 2 off and on years told me he was just keeping me around so that I would keep doing things for him...but didnt need me anymore since he was about to get married.

Buuuut, thats my thing with having a gift for knowing how to pick them. And why Ive been single the past 4years..I just dont trust my judgement at all. But I think a lot of it has to do with my past..the moment I get the gist a guy is losing interest, I launch into trying to prove that I am worth being with, because its like, if I can convince him, then finally for once I was able to prove my mother and in turn my own self wrong. But Im setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't know a decent guy if the UPS guy plopped him on my doorstep. Maybe it *is* the UPS guy..hrmm..

I think @shimmerz and @Meadowsweet are on to something with the connection of Mother's Day to what is spinning around in your head right now. Something to think about, that even if you're not consciously thinking about it, the feelings that are inside of you may be affecting your relationship?

 

[NovemberStar]

Do you think it's less of sabotage in terms of the relationship, and more to do with distancing yourself from a very big trigger - i.e., the child, and / or being inadvertently 'in' the 'mother' role (as step parent)?

I am more afraid of becoming a mother than having a terminal illness. For me, that would be the ultimate form of serious triggers - being a mother would involve having to recognize what should have been rather than what was. It would also mean it would be impossible to continue to be in denial as to how vulnerable children are, as well as how 'powerful' the parent (mother ) is in the relationship. I cannot even be around children sometimes, because it is too raw a reminder of how little and dependent they are. That forces me to recognize how vulnerable and powerless I was.

I don't know if you have read any of Hope Eldeman's books - Motherless Daughters, Letters from Motherless Daughters, and Motherless Mothers (amongst others). She explains that for many women for whom lost their mother prior to the age of 20, in particular, they fear motherhood more than anything else. Motherless daughters are 2-3 times more likely to NOT become mothers themselves, compared to the average of women who do not go onto have children. That stat applies to all motherless daughters, not just those who have been raised within a highly dysfunctional, abusive environment.

 

[shimmerz]

many women for whom lost their mother prior to the age of 20, in particular, they fear motherhood more than anything else.

I lost my mother suddenly at 20 and I know that affected me very much but the circumstances in which you lost yours mother @AqueousAndroid would attach many horrific 'attachments'. I am adopted as well and perhaps would suggest you were in counselling early perhaps due to issues with your past (which I don't know if you are aware of). There may be mother issues there too.

Motherless Daugthers was a book that called to me @NovemberStar, and a really good one - I just wonder how triggery that might be with such a strong image.

@AqueousAndroid are you able to identify your reactivity to triggers? Can you tell when you are triggered? Have you been taught that yet?

 

[NovemberStar]

@shimmerz - I found her 'Letters From Motherless Daughters' much more helpful. In terms of triggering, I could only read it at certain times - if I was feeling vulnerable I could not stand to look at the book, let alone read it. Most of the time, it was my thirst for knowledge (in order to understand myself) that enabled me to read it, almost from an 'outsiders' perspective. Just as sometimes Mothers Day triggers me, other times it has no impact or even mild effect on me at all (like this year, strangely, given I'm in the midst of deep therapy around my abandonment, abuse and my mum's death). The anniversary of her death is similar - although most years I do re-live her death - the entire day leading up to it as well as after; some years are worse than others in terms of me being triggered.

 

[scout86]

You don't sound whiny to me either.

It's good that you and your bf can talk about this stuff. I can relate to the sabotaging of relationships too. Sometimes it seems like I've sabotaged pretty much everything I've ever been involved in. And, most of the time, I was, at best, only vaguely aware that I was doing it and had NO idea why.

When I started seeing a therapist, about a year ago, he told me that PTSD will affect more aspects of your life than you realize and it won't go away by itself. To me, the hardest part of trying to deal with it is that I don't have the perspective to see things objectively. There are a lot of times when I actually need someone I trust to give me a reality check. ("No, exploding like that when someone touches your arm is NOT a reasonable reaction. Can you come up with something better?") Maybe it's time for you to seek out a really good therapist who has some expertise in dealing with PTSD. You're pretty young and have a lot of your life ahead of you. "Now" would be a great time to start getting things sorted out and on track, don't you think? I know, myself, when I look back now, I sure wish I'd gotten some help 20 or 30 years ago.......

Meanwhile, keep talking to the bf and be as honest as you can. He's either going to be there for you or he's not. He DOES kind of sound like a potential keeper though!

 

[nursenurse]

Find a copy of The Post Traumatic Stress Relationdhip" by Dianne England. Well worth a read by both of you. And some counseling, both couples and individual, if you aren't in it already. Good luck.

 

[Lidia]

I agree with @nursenurse in that the book will help your boyfriend understand. I am also reading 'The body remembers' by Babette Rothschild, which explains how the brain of a PTSD sufferer works. I highly recommend it. For a partner, all the pain and uncertainty may come from not understanding what is happening. These books will help. However, the best support for both of you will be to continue having an open communication. Hugs to you. :hug:

 

[AqueousAndroid]

Are you able to see the relation yourself

First off, sorry for the delay in response, I've been trying to do a little more socializing than usual. Anyway, I see that it's all very timely. I see that I probably have a little bit of a blame game going on in more than one area. Is that what you are hinting at?

 

[AqueousAndroid]

@shimmerz , you asked if I had learned anything about reactivity and whether or not I knew my triggers. I know that my triggers happen annually at seperate times of the year (her birthday, her death day, the day she adopted me, the winter holidays)... I know those are huge triggers and that I usually can expect to have outbursts of emotion.

I also am triggered sometimes by fire and smoke.

I don't honestly recall if this was a taught thing or just something I had to learn about myself which I suppose doesn't really matter. Point is I know some of the things that trigger me. The newest one to manifest itself is a legal matter I have to deal with, it's sort of in lieu of my mother's passing. I didn't think it would be such a large trigger, but it was apparently.

Sorry for the long time it took me to reply, as I said I've been trying to get back to baseline.[DOUBLEPOST=1401125848,1401125615][/DOUBLEPOST]Thank you, @nursenurse & @Lidia . I am looking into each of those reads. A big conversation where we decide if we take a break or not is going to be happening soon as I understand it. Whether we break or not, I will suggest these things.

Also, I found an open door group that deals with anxiety disorders and apparently is also a good one for PTSD sufferers, so maybe if he still wants to work and stay with me he can come with me to one of those. That's all in the future though and I am happy living in the moment.