Please Help-being Victimized Again

[Dexter's Disciple]

A therapist once told me that I have a victim mentality from the abuse I suffered as a child, and so until I can get past it, I am likely to be abused again.

She was very right. I feel like I am cursed.

I having trouble at work. I recently had an issue with another associate saying disgusting sexual comments to me. I told him to leave me alone several times. Another associate went to the management about him doing the same to her and they asked me if I'd had any problems with him so I told them everything. Nothing happened. They called in their HR guy and he apparently thought nothing was wrong, so he's still there.

Now another man I work with is sexually harassing me. He always calls me baby and says he's in love with me. The other night he tried to kiss me on the lips. He's always trying to touch me in inappropriate areas. I try to tell him to stop, but I have an issue with nervous laughter and smiling, so I don't think he realizes that I am being serious. I don't want to go to the managers again because they did nothing last time and I don't want them to see me as a complainer and trouble maker and fire me. I don't know what to do to make him back off. Can anyone give me advice on how to get him to leave me alone? I'm afraid of him. He's followed me out to my car before and I get out of work at midnight when it's dark and no one else is around. I've decided I'm going to carry my pocket knife with me now, so I can feel a little safer if he tries something on me out there, but I really want to feel safe without having to carry a weapon and risk more trouble for myself.[DOUBLEPOST=1401149783,1401149655][/DOUBLEPOST]Also, I am having trouble sleeping from the stress of it all and I always feel like I'm about to throw up. I have headaches and I'm always fighting back tears. I don't even want to be around anyone anymore. I was feeling so much better, my PTSD almost gone, and now it's all back in full swing again

 

[Justmehere]

You are not cursed. You have an opportunity to learn how to stand up for yourself and to set boundaries, and when needed, report perpetrators to law enforcement.

The guy sounds like he's a little pervy, and very inappropriate. what he is doing is sexual harassment and is illegal in most countries. You said no, period, and even if you say it in a giggly way, he should back off. However, I can see how he might me taking the giggles the wrong way.

I get giggly when I get nervous too. I would suggest writing a very clear and simple letter to this fellow employee. I would give a copy of the letter to the managers, and keep a copy for yourself. I would make it as clear as possible. State that you don't want a sexual or dating relationship and specifically list things you do not want him to do. Like, "please don't try to kiss me, touch me, hold me, call me baby, or say you love me. Please do not walk out to my car or walk with me when work is over." You don't need to make accusations, but do be very clear what you don't want. It would also be good to include something to say, just so that we are all on the same page, and there is no misunderstanding, I have given a copy of this letter to our managers."

Then he will have the clear message to leave you alone, and your mangers will be on notice as well.

This does not make you a complainer. If they fired you for this, that would be extremely illegal and you would have grounds to sue them silly in most countries... But, that is neither here nor there. No matter what, you need to make it very clear to this guy to back off, make a record of you doing that (by giving him the letter and a letter to your managers).

If you are concerned for your safety, perhaps another co-worker can walk with you out to your car? And if he escalates at all, I would not hesitate to contact authorities, but that may not be necessary. He may just be a really clueless jerk who is stepping way over bounds.

Trauma can sometimes lead to people developing something called learned helplessness. You may be struggling with this. When you were being abused as a kid, the way you probably kept yourself alive was by submitting and not fighting back. You are an adult now, and part of your healing will be learning to do things just like this. If you keep at it, you can develop skills to be assertive in a verbal way in the moment someone is crossing boundaries and doing things you don't want. New harassment isn't your fault. This guy should know to back off in the workplace - it's just not professional. But, your therapist is right in the sense that it is your responsibility to learn to use your voice and claim your boundaries, and it will go a long ways to keep you safer in life.

I know it feels scary to stand up to this guy, but try to remember, you are learning a new way to keep yourself safe. And it is safe now to say no, and say it forcefully and clearly... and until you can do that... to write it and give it to people any way that you can communicate it.

 

[Ssam]

I am 16 years old male I saw my best friend get raped and the rapist nearly killed me this happend 3 years ago. I don't really know why I am on here maybe knowing that I'm no the only one helps. I constantly blame myself for not doing something sooner this girl is like my sister and each and ever night it eats away at me the guilt the stress the pain it hurts for so long I haven't come out of the other side yet but one piece of advise is talk about it as much as you can otherwise it rot your heart to nothing. The sleep I carnt help you with going through the same thing . As in the guy at work it is unacceptable and there is different ways to go about it depending where you live hope I have helped

 

[Justmehere]

One other thought... thinking you are "cursed" is another way of thinking you are helpless -- it's part of the learned helplessness to think you can't change your lack of assertiveness, and your pattern of learned helplessness.

Having this struggle does NOT make you a bad person. Everyone here with PTSD has different kinds of battles and you are by no means alone in this one. It is really common for trauma survivors to struggle to set boundaries and say no.

You can change. You can reduce being victimized. You can't control anything other than you, but you can change you. It is going to take a lot of work, it will be scary and anxiety producing at times, but if you are willing to learn new ways to tolerate the anxiety of setting boundaries more, things will change.

In therapy, if you have a good therapist (especially a good trauma therapist) you can work on learning grounding skills that you can use to manage the fear that comes up when you try to say no.

And for right now, every time you think "I am cursed" try challenging that thought. Try to remind yourself perhaps something like, "Right now things are difficult, but they will not always be this way." or "I feel scared, but I'm learning new skills to keep myself safe."
You have already taken great steps to reach out for help in therapy and here!

 

[Dexter's Disciple]

Ssam, thank you for your reply. You're right. I have been holding it in and it's unhealthy. I cried a lot last night and I felt better after. I think talking to people on here will help.

 

[Dexter's Disciple]

One other thought... thinking you are "cursed" is another way of thinking you are helpless -- it's part of the learned helplessness to think you can't change your lack of assertiveness, and your pattern of learned helplessness.

That's good advice. Unfortunately I can't afford therapy, and the only free therapy around here isn't really from trained professionals, but church volunteers, and they lean heavily on prayer and trusting god. I'm an atheist, so that just makes me even more uncomfortable. I have suffered religious abuse as well, so churches produce a large amount of anxiety in me.

But I will use the positive thoughts of things being rough for now but not always.

 

[Ssam]

When you said the thing about being cursed I know what you mean when my case happened one of my closest family members past away my mother and farther got divorced and my farther tried to commit suicide it always comes at once but think things can only get better and with the weird guy if your in the uk use the equality act 2010 has both sexism and harassment in it if not in uk there should be an equivalent

 

[Justmehere]

@Dexter's Disciple - If therapy isn't an option right now, there are a lot of good workbooks out there about assertiveness and grounding. I have done a couple of them and found them really helpful myself.

 

[Dexter's Disciple]

@Dexter's Disciple -there are a lot of good workbooks out there about assertiveness and grounding. .

Any particular ones you'd suggest?[DOUBLEPOST=1401153064,1401153003][/DOUBLEPOST]

When you said the thing about being cursed I know what you mean when my case happened one of my closest family members past away my mother and farther got divorced and my farther tried to commit suicide it always comes at once but think things can only get better and with the weird guy if your in the uk use the equality act 2010 has both sexism and harassment in it if not in uk there should be an equivalent

I'm hoping I can get him to back off without bringing in the law. I've had bad experiences with talking to the cops.

 

[Justmehere]

These are the ones I have done:

This has DBT skills geared for anxiety and PTSD: Dead Link Removed
There is a lot in DBT about effectively communicating needs.

Even better than that is this one, which combines skills from ACT, CBT, DBT (types of therapy):
Dead Link Removed

Non-violent communication (which has little to do with actual violence) is a very easy to learn communication technique that escalates situations and communicates needs really well (I use it at work a lot). I have done this workbook: Link Removed
You can also find a decent amount of information online about this technique if you google around a bit.

The workbooks I did about boundaries were Christian based... so maybe not the right fit for you, but I will post here just in case: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0310278082/?tag=pf03-20

I went through this book on assertiveness skills, that is not faith based:
Dead Link Removed

And this one, which was geared for a professional audience, and it had parts that were interesting and helpful:
Dead Link Removed

Mindfulness, grounding, and learning to cope with anxiety goes hand in hand with learning assertiveness skills because fear is usually what hold people back from being more assertive.

Mindfulness is something I do a lot when I get anxious and scared (even freaked out) and there is lots of information on that.
My favorite is "Wherever you go, there you are" by John Kabat-Zinn.

There are websites that go into DBT and mindfulness skills (for free!) like dbtselfhelp.org. There is also lots of information here on the forums about it too - just use the search tools above.

Most of the workbooks I have checked out from my local library (I'm pretty broke too.) It's not a full replacement for therapy, but it has helped me A LOT, and probably saved me thousands in therapy. I hope you find something that might help!

 

[shimmerz]

Do you have any friends at your work that can take pictures when this guy is harassing you? A picture is worth a thousand words. Many companies as well have cameras all over. Having that to back you when you go to the higher ups would be very helpful.

I so agree with @Justmehere . Words that you say to yourself are so important. This isn't your fault, you are not cursed. Boundaries are tough and I find that many people I let in too close or they see something that tells them my boundaries are loose. If word gets out that you out this guy and you can feel the power in that it is a fantastic learning experience.

Best of luck @Dexter's Disciple

@Justmehere - that is an awesome reference of reading material. Is there a place anywhere on this site that this can be listed? All of these book references I have read the past bit on this site have my interest piqued as I have seen some I haven't read yet and would love a 'book reference' area? @anthony or other staff members? Is there such a resource on this forum?

 

[zaniara]

I'm not well enough to be able to read much, so I haven't read all the answers. But I wanted to send you my support. Don't give up, you can change and learn what you need to protect yourself. Have you seen the Tina Turner film? It inspired me so much. But just want to advice to NOT carry a knife or a weapon! It's no safety, as much as it's a threat. Statistics shows that most times a victim get physically hurt or killed by a weapon it's by that persons own weapon(the abuser overpowering the victim and gaining access of a weapon the abuser didn't have before). Also if you stab or cut someone and can't prove it was in self defense you might end up in jail for a long time. If you want to find better ways maybe self-defense classes or martial arts could help with making you feel safer.