Abandonment Trauma Triggered Pretty Bad This Week

[NovemberStar]

I have my appointment with my case worker tomorrow afternoon. I'm in bed sick with a bad head cold today, and having suicidal flashbacks. I might need to cancel my appointment with her because I am feeling too fragile to be able to cope with it afterwards if it goes badly.

Feeling I have no one to turn to right now. I have emailed my T but she might not get my email or be able to respond to it for a day or two. Really hoping she can. Struggling and fed up, tired of this

 

[NovemberStar]

I know I'm just talking / posting to myself here but I have no one else to talk to.

I didn't see my caseworker. I don't feel I have enough support for after it, if it didn't go well. I emailed my T about it, explaining the problem right now is I don't feel 'safe' enough at the moment in terms of support. That I usually rely on my caseworker for support after a therapy session with my T; but without that support right now, I feel alone and scared. I don't have a safety net if I'm triggered to the point of overwhelm.

I feel too vulnerable to approach my caseworker to talk it through - because the only support otherwise is my T, who I can email, but she might not get my email for a couple of days.

And until I can talk to my caseworker about it, I won't be any closer to getting any support - or chance of any support - from her.

Catch-22. :(

 

[ghotiff]

You're not talking to yourself, I'm listening :)

I'm not sure what to say, but I'm listening.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks @ghotiff.

 

[ghotiff]

I feel alone and scared. I don't have a safety net if I'm triggered to the point of overwhelm

Is there something you can do that can help you stave off overwhelm?

I'm just making conversation (feel free to ignore me).....I just started working out the signs of when I am going towards a dark place. I'm realising the signs are there and if I can recognise them I can try to be gentler on myself and maybe this will stop me getting to such a bad, dark place.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm listening too, have been following through both threads with both sympathy and empathy, and what you're saying is helping me understand myself a bit better. I realise that doesn't help you though. I do recognise the Catch-22 of needing help, but being afraid to ask because if it's denied I'll feel worse and go spiralling down.

Keep holding on to the snowboarding - any joy is worth fighting for. Does it help to spend time visualising yourself up that mountain?

What do you think would be the outcome if you wrote to your caseworker saying "I need this, this and this from you. Can you commit to doing you best to provide these things?"

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you two for replying.

My only defence to protect myself is to put my walls back up. Not let another single bastard come into my wee inner space. Don't let them have the chance to let me down or hurt me further.

I don't know if I have warning signs. Something to think about. That would be helpful.

UPDATE: I couldn't bring myself to even phone my caseworker. I'd left a voice message for her last Thursday, cancelling our app. I said I was sick (which was true) and just not in the head space to manage with dealing with the fallout of her letting me down.

She telephone me on Wednesday - nearly a week after I left a message for her, but I had come to expect NOTHING from her - I was prepared (and expecting) her just to never phone me, probably eventually send a discharge letter from their service.

I said how I feel, struggling a lot with therapy, and lack of support. SHE asked how she could 'support me' right now - see me? Telephone? I said no to a visit (as if I was going to put myself in THAT positron again!!! Was she NUTS????). But I said a telephone call would be ok. We organised she would phone me today (Friday) 3pm. I saw my T in the morning, so my caseworkers call was to check in how I was doing after a potentially very very difficult session.

Will it come as a massive surprise to anyone reading this that SHE DIDN'T f*ckING PHONE???

No txt, no phone call, not at 3pm. Not at 4 or 5pm. NOTHING.

I really want to email her head office again. Not that it made a difference last time - all they did was give her the email to sort out. This time I want to talk to her manager.:mad:

I want someone to know.

I want her to at least get a freaking talking too.

And I want to sack her arse and get a new caseworker.

:mad::mad::mad:

Yeah, I'm angry - if I wasn't angry I'd be in so much pain and turmoil now instead.

I need to hold onto my anger - it keep the pain away. I am too vulnerable to feel pain right now.

:cry:

 

[ghotiff]

I'm so sorry you we're let down again!

 

[Soli]

I think you are right to call her boss about this. And I think it's unfair that in addition to suffering abandonment when people don't follow through with us, we have the additional burden of educating others about why it's so painful.

I just went through the same thing with my counselor of eight months, and fired him (the thread is on here under therapy). It was so hard. I feel so alone. The reality of being without that counseling is very cold. It's painful. But what would have been worse is wondering how he would hurt me next, because I felt that that was inevitable. It's an act of strength to call your case worker's boss and asked to be reassigned. And when you get the new case worker, you can be crystal clear about expectations for contact.

You deserve to not be hurt when you need help. I am rooting for you.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you @ghotiff and @Soli.

It really isn't that I expect perfection - I work on call (obstetrics related) and am often needing to postpone my clients apps for something more urgent - so I GET that things come up. If she was always cancelling me I probably would still feel upset, but if her explanations were realistic, I doubt I'd feel it as rawly as I am.

Thing is she never let me know that sometimes she might have to postpone or reorganise an appointment - and if she WAS reorganising it, that would be one thing.

I'd been clear and said clearly Txting was not working (since I don't get the txts she supposedly sends) - so yes, I had the expectation that hey, if something came up she would PHONE me to cancel / postpone. Ok, so she got sick and had to go home from work early. I get that too. It might have been she was just too sick to make the phone calls. But you know what? If I believe her story that she delegated it to someone else, SURELY she might have remembered that hey, NovemberStar is really sensitive to feeling abandoned - it's really important you contact her and not just leave her at home waiting for me'

Or f*cking phone me in a 1 minute phone call herself.

I can't find any info online as to how I complain or who I go too. There is ZERO contact details on their website other than the head office or general enquiries email. I don't want to email them only to have it forwarded onto my caseworker AGAIN. I know I also have to wait til Monday to try to contact someone about it.

Even if I had not told her how much things like this affect me, I don't think it's entirely acceptable.

Maybe she was off sick today. That would be an acceptable explanation BUT it still doesn't change the effect it has on me to be let down again.

Maybe it's a really bad run of really bad luck - but I still feel I need to move on - bad luck or totally terrible management and shitty professionalism; I can no longer ignore it - it's doing my head in and I cannot put up with it anymore.

Part of me however - doesn't want to let her off the hook - I cannot hake the feeling she 'wins' if I dump her. Maybe she didn't want to work with me and was just waiting and hoping for me to dump her, so she doesn't have to see me or deal with me anymore.

That is another reason I want her boss to know - I guess doing so would help me feel I had some power in dumping her. And even if she 'wins' by no longer having to work with me, I can feel freaking smug that her boss might tell her off about it :mad:

Haha - she hates her boss, and feels picked on by her as it is. Maybe it's wrong for me to feel vengeful - but it is just how I am feeling right now. Why the f*ck should I continue to feel vulnerable, fragile and helpless in the situation??????

 

[shimmerz]

@NovemberStar you have every right to feel the way you do. You have been treated with no respect at all. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I think that what I am hearing is that you want to be heard (pardon the pun). That you want people to know that you have been treated badly. That is not something that is unreasonable.

I honestly don't know how these people get jobs in this field of work.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you @shimmerz
I'm scared - major butterflies in my stomach as I think about following through on my plan to phone her boss. It's Monday morning, my caseworker would have been at work already. I have a pretty sick dog I need to take back to the vet in half an hour so I'm thinking of not phoning right now... Argh. So hard.

I think I'm afraid of not being heard. And I'm also afraid of my caseworker being angry at me for 'telling'. I'd hate it if she finds out I've tried to phone her boss, before I get to talk to her boss. (Chances are it will just be an answer machine at head office - I just don't want my caseworker to know I've phoned and want to talk to her boss - not until I have already done it).