Am I A Trigger?

[Aching65]

So my GF of 3 years has recently been diagnosed with post child abuse PTSD. I seem to have triggered PTSD, and she has fortunately stated therapy, 5 weeks ago. We used to see each other once in a while, and texted and called regularly. She says she feels uncomfortable next to me. A few months back, she got very upset when I talked about her problems with her friends. I made a mistake that I accepted, as it is her personal trauma, and it is very difficult to deal with it in the small town we live in. I was trying to see what I could do to help her.

So yesterday, I went to see a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist. I wanted to get to know more about PTSD, wanted to make sure the reading I had from it was accurate and not biased, wanted to enquire about EMDR, and about how I had to behave to give her the best chance to help her and avoid hurting her.

Later on the phone, we talk casually, and I mention my conversation...... Well that's the end of it. I am untrustworthy, I promised not to talk to anyone, it is her secret, her issues, her own trauma, and I have nothing to do with it. Get out of my life, you did that out of your own selfishness, it does not help me, don't call me don't text me, get out or I call the police kind of thing.

I tried my best to calm her down, and explain, that really I am trying as hard as I can to support her. But nothing helped.

Is it normal for the partner to be seen as unsafe, as toxic as she says despite all the efforts I am making? The initial trauma, back months ago was me kissing her chest, nothing else. I have convinced her to get councelling, and am paying for her therapy as she is a little stressed money wise....

I think that I have lost her for good now. My therapist thinks otherwise, but what am I supposed to other than giving her as much space as she wants?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do nothing. Give her that space. She requested that you not discuss her issues with any friends, yet you went to a friend to discuss her issues. I can understand why she is upset. (I would be, too.)

You could have just as easily done an internet search to find out about PTSD. You could have read books (there are many good books about PTSD out there). But, you chose to talk to a friend, even after she explicitly asked you not to. I don't think you understand how big of a deal this is to her. It is her trauma, and her story to tell. I don't let anyone discuss my PTSD with anyone else, as it would be an extreme breach of privacy.

And given that you live in a small town, people will talk. How is she supposed to appear as normal? I have severe PTSD but I actually pride myself in the fact that I can scrub up well, go out in public, and appear perfectly normal. If everyone else knows she has PTSD, she has essentially no room to function as a normal person as she will be thought of as "that girl with the mental problem". Please just leave her alone. She is really hurting right now. She has threatened to call the cops on you, so leave her alone. I am not being rude by saying this, but you have NO idea what it's like to not feel safe (to this level), and if she is defending herself by throwing out such statements, that means she does not feel safe around you. Safety is a basic human need (right above food/shelter/water....google the pyramid of basic human needs if you want to see the whole pyramid), and she just needs to feel safe right now. You are taking away her feeling of safety, so please, leave her be.

 

[Aching65]

Solara, I am really doing my best here. But S does not say much, and withdraws behind a huge silence. I do understand it was a mistake to speak to her friends, and deeply apologized about it. But really me speaking to a psychiatrist is seen as hurting her? I saw him as a professional, and he is not going to talk to the town!!!!

I really only start to understand what is happening now. I did not get that out of the books, but on this forum. I should have joined earlier... It is extremely difficult for a partner to understand how deep her pain really is. It was so long ago...

I probably have lost her trying to help, just because I kept doing the wrong things.....

Solara, I do see what you are trying to explain. Just wish I had been here earlier. I am a surgeon, to me everything follows logic, and is black or white. I do now understand why she feels so unsafe in my presence, but is there any chance she might reconsider? Does a survivor sometimes forgives her partners mistakes?

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I don't want to seem mean or anything of the sort, but you went behind her back and spoke to your psychiatrist friend after she had already shown dislike towards you talking to her friends about it. I understand your intentions and in any normal relationship, I'm sure your girlfriend would see that your intentions were good too.. however, this isn't a 'normal' relationship. Many people with PTSD (especially those who have been abused) are very untrusting. That and she probably feels vulnerable and a bit violated due to the fact you ignored her wishes (again, I know you had good intentions but in her eyes, all she can most likely see is the fact you spoke to someone else).

I'm not sure what to suggest. It is up to you, afterall, what you decide to do about this and how you approach the situation. But if I was your girlfriend, I would want my space.

I do think you want to understand and want to help her, but what you have to understand is that she doesn't see this. She sees you, talking to others which then makes her untrusting of you. You can tell her you want to support her and tell her that your intentions are good, but until you start physically showing it (i.e. not talking to her friends, earning back the trust [SLOWLY]) she's going to continue not trusting you and not feeling safe or comfortable around you.

I agree with Solara's statement;

If everyone else knows she has PTSD, she has essentially no room to function as a normal person as she will be thought of as "that girl with the mental problem".

This is a massive problem for me, as much as I want to appear normal and such, I do have this mental problem stopping me from being as normal as everyone else. However, it helps me when my boyfriend treats me normally.. no special treatment unless I either ask for it, or he can see I need it (if I am having a panic attack, he'll obviously try and help). What I am trying to say, she might also feel as though you, by going out and asking her friends and psychiatrist etc, are focusing too much on her PTSD and not on her. I know you are trying to focus on her through this, but when you talk to her, don't make PTSD or her recovery or her triggers, the main focus of the convosation every time you see her.

Anyway, as for your current situation, I suggest either calling her or finding a way to talk to her (without pushing or pressuring her to talk to you) and simply say that you get she needs her space, that you care about her and only want to help her and finally that she can talk to you whenever she is ready and you'll be waiting. And also say that if she wants to end it, for her to think about it first and then call you back in a day or something. I almost broke up with my boyfriend, he did this to me (told me to not break up with him today, but think about it and wait until tomorrow.. by then my anger and upset had cooled down and I saw that I didn't want to break up with him and it was just the PTSD getting on top of me).

Just don't push or pressure or try and force anything. Let her be in control in regards to her PTSD and her way of dealing with it.
I hope it works out for you![DOUBLEPOST=1401501545,1401501437][/DOUBLEPOST]

But really me speaking to a psychiatrist is seen as hurting her? I saw him as a professional, and he is not going to talk to the town!!!!

What you need to understand is that, no matter how you see it (i.e. talking to a professional) she sees it very differently. She'll most likely see it as you talking to another PERSON after she already showed dislike towards you talking to other people. Doesn't matter if it was a professional or her friends, a person is a person and it is the principle of it.

 

[Aching65]

OMG. I really F***** up. I think I see it. Thank you so much girls. Now I wonder why the therapist did not arrange for both of us to be seen. It might have been a choice for her to be seen in a safe environment, without me being involved. But I thought it would have been so appropriate to have someone explain all the implications of PTSD. Believe me I have read plenty, but never really understood that part.....

I will give her space, deal with myself, continue to educate myself, and maybe in 3-4 weeks, I could try to show her what I have learned.....

 

[scout86]

I suppose this isn't what you want to hear, but what you did would have been a deal breaker for me. Talking to her friends was a mistake. It really was, and I'd have found that hard to forgive. Promising to keep your mouth shut and going behind her back again? I'd find that nearly impossible to forgive. It's hard to trust people to begin with. When they have a proven track record of poor judgement and lying? No way!

Now, because I'm in therapy and am supposed to be working on finding better ways to look at things, I'm going to add that I can see where maybe you were just pretty clueless and meant well. That still doesn't make you trustworthy. I don't know if she's going to be willing to give you another chance or not. I wouldn't. About all you can do now, if you get the chance, is to admit you don't understand and then set about actually listening to her and respecting her wishes and proving that you ARE trustworthy.

Trying to understand is great. Wanting to help is a nice sentiment. But it IS her life. She IS an adult, is she not? Isn't she allowed to solve her own problems and make her own choices? The best way to help might be to educate yourself and LISTEN. It might be too late now.

I'm only now beginning to understand how different the world looks to people with different backgrounds. A couple of weeks ago, I had an episode where a woman triggered me fairly bad by continuing to "sneak up behind me" and touch me to get my attention. Probably sounds stupid to you, but due to the nature of the situation, I haven't had anyone get to me that much in a long time. A few days later, I was telling a friend about this over lunch. She knows I have PTSD. She said that my reaction sounded like her own reaction to that kind of situation. I thought, "maybe?". Then joking, she reached across the table and touched my arm. I basically exploded. Scared the heck out of her! She looked at me for a second and meekly said, "I guess not!" Meaning that my reaction wasn't like hers at all. I can't emphasis enough that this is a "Real" thing.

You sound like a person with a good heart. She sounds like she might benefit from some help. I kind of hope you work things out, but if it was me, you'd have to do some fancy talking to get a THIRD chance. (Sorry!).

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I'm glad you see it, don't take it hard on yourself. Your intentions were good and you just need to learn to see from her point of veiw. My therapist will not let my boyfriend into a session with me because she wants the sessions to be a place where it's just me and I don't have to worry about what I say or what I want to talk about. That way I feel as though I can talk freely (I know I can talk to my boyfriend, but it's a different kind of talking with a therapist).

Anyway, good luck, I really do hope it works out for you.

 

[Aching65]

Maybe I should direct her to this web site, and give her my handle, so she sees what I have not been able to express with my actions and words? I will wait a week or two tho, I understand now the pain I have caused and the fact that she needs space and time to process her anger. She has told me she knows I am doing all I can, but she is very upset that I do not seem to understand. But no one until now has been able to explain the reality and gravity of the situation. I am listening, I am listening really hard, but did not understand the language.... Otherwise I would never have spoken to anyone... And I believe every partner should be directed to this web site.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I would discourage showing her this website, more specifically discourage you from showing her your own post. If you do that, she will think of you now talking to complete strangers on the internet about her problems. I understand you want to show her your intentions and get her to understand you just want to support her.. but maybe in a week or two you could tell her you found a site where she might be able to get some more understand and that you've joined so you can understand what she's going through.

Just be very soft in your approach. Don't be too in her face (figuratively). She needs space, and sometimes you can give her space by just not pushing anything on her, still talk to her and what not but just not changing anything.

If you can, I suggest you sit down with her and have a grown up talk about her, about you and about your relationship. Over the last couple months I have felt myself pushing my boyfriend away, so he got me to sit with him and talk. He didn't pressure me to say anything, I pretty much just sat there and listened. But we came to the agreement that if I wanted a day or even an hour by myself with no contact, all I had to say was 'I need a day'. And he'd understand. What I am trying to get at is, your relationship is unique, it's unique to you and her. You need to talk to her, find out what she needs from you and what she wants from you and set your own boundaries too.

 

[Aching65]

Thanks Katarina, thanks from the bottom of my heart.... Jeez at my age I still have so much to learn(((((((((((((.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

You'll get there eventually. (: Just don't give up hope.

 

[Aching65]

I now realize it is like a totally different world to the one I am used to. I was watching with the wrong glasses, and now I had cataract surgery and see differently))))