Vulnerability

[Suzetig]

Today my T and I talked about vulnerability, I tend to not show vulnerability to the point of never asking for help or support or showing that I'm struggling with something. Acknowledging I'm having a hard time coping with particular issues and seeking help has been a massive step for me and the aftermath has been incredibly difficult where on a practical level things have got significantly worse before they, thankfully, seem to be improving at last.

In therapy I've been really struggling to be open with my T about what I want from our work, what I need from her and I know at points I've been very guarded with her about how I'm feeling about our relationship and the work we're doing. She recognises the difficulties I have and why I have them and wants to use our relationship to support me in becoming more vulnerable in a safe space. I do trust her, much as i trust anyone, and can see the need for me to let go of the need to feel strong all the time. Frankly I'm terrified of what that might mean for me - at times I feel like if I give an inch I'll break into a million pieces. I'm torn between wanting to keep myself "safe" and knowing something needs to change for me.

I'm guessing I'm not the only person this is an issue for and I'm wondering how others have moved forward from here.

 

[bell]

No, it's not just you. And wishing I had a magical answer to give you so you could solve this.

Giving anyone "an inch" for me, too, is so very hard, um, maybe next to impossible. (But, thankfully, "next to impossible" is better than "impossible," which is where I was pre-therapy, so, yay!, improvement!) And I totally feel you on the "I'll break into a million pieces" aspect, because I literally feel like I will shatter like a china vase hitting concrete. But, at least I know I'll shatter, which is slightly better than before, which was just sheer terror without knowing what was happening. So, know that the knowledge that you will "shatter" is one step in the right direction!

But, I think that giving people that "inch" is important, i.e., giving them a little bit and seeing how they deal with it. And not giving them the proverbial "mile," until they have dealt with that "inch" properly. That's what I have tried to do, with varying success, but it feels good when it works. When they don't stab you in the back with it or run away or look at you like you're crazy.

And that's how I plan on going forward. Giving people inches (or sometimes millimeters!) at a time and seeing how they react. Because each time they react positively, it reminds me that not everyone is bad/wants to hurt me/doesn't have my best interest at heart. And that means that that day I grow a little. And day after day, those little "inches" will turn into "feet."

 

[StellaBlue]

I can absolutely relate to this...but don't really have an answer. Allowing myself to be vulnerable is also "next to impossible" for me - and in therapy, it's even worse which makes therapy especially difficult. I think your ability to recognize your fears of being vulnerable and being able to talk about them with your therapist is moving in the right direction.

 

[Chosen]

I so relate to this! I've been in therapy with my T for 3.5 years (though less than 20 sessions a year since he's a uni T). I've been so afraid to really be vulnerable, and I'm determined to just jump in head first next time we meet (June 9th)...unless he is leaving, because he might be going to another uni to work, if so, then I'm clamming up straightaway.

I don't really know how to be vulnerable besides just trying to reveal more of my heart.

 

[shimmerz]

What if you could acknowledge just one part of her to trust? A small thing? Like you trust that she will smile at you if you smile at her (important that you initiate I think here). What if you just start with something very minor (and kind - not trauma-esq) and then plan what the next nice trust issue will be the next time together (or separately). Not sure if you know what I am getting to here but I have found for myself that this has allowed me to be open to trust in a small way and build from there. Baby trust steps - not the whole enchilada. Then it will bloom like a beautiful flower at your own speed.

 

[Suzetig]

@bell, yay for success - sometimes you've got to take it where you can find it and yes next to impossible is better than impossible.

@StellaBlue youre right in thinking for me just acknowledging to her that its such a struggle is success in its own right. It's noting that she wasn't aware, of course, because she's been sitting opposite me for 6 months trying to figure out how to help me.

@Noah, good luck with your T - I hope he's still going to be around. I admire your "jump in head first" bravery!

@shimmerz, baby steps is definately the way to go. We spoke today about our relationship and she was very open to looking at whether the way she generally works (very CBT/here and now based) has hindered me being able to talk openly (it didn't, it just made it easier for me to avoid stuff) - and is making a clear commitment to working with me in the longer term. I've needed this from her, but couldn't at all ask her for fear of rejection - even today I couldn't acknowledge that this is what I need from her and that i want to work with her. I'll pick it up with her next week but seriously, how hard can it be to say "yes, that's what I need, thank you"? I like the idea of "kind" trust steps rather than leaping in to dealing with trauma - now, lets see if I can actually negotiate this with her.

 

[shimmerz]

and is making a clear commitment to working with me in the longer term

She sounds like a keeper @Suzetig! That is awesome! I wish you all the best of luck although it sounds like you and she are making great progress!

:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

So, I'm thinking about my session tomorrow. I think part of my difficulty in opening myself to my T is that I spend the whole week keeping myself safe. I'm hypervigilant just about all of the time, plan my week to try and avoid being triggered and generally feel a need to protect myself. When I'm in session, trying to be open and vulnerable with T, I feel like I'm constantly fighting my instinct to keep safe.

I know I can't continue to keep her at arms length and do the work wjth her the i need to. How do you allow yourself to let your guard down and open up to someone for 1 hour a week when you spend the other 167 hours a week doing the exact opposite.

 

[shimmerz]

That might be a good question to ask your T. Maybe speaking about how your hypervigilance affects you? Just a piece of it - like I can't go to the mall because of it or some other smaller piece? Just a bit. Not too much as that can be very overwhelming just thinking about it.

 

[shell]

I can totally relate to a fear of vulnerability, I don't like to allow anyone close to me, to let them see my pain, to admit my pain to me.

The thought of being reliant on anyone fills me with fear, slowly the walls are coming down and I inch forward a little at a time. I have of been working really hard on my fear of vulnerability and trusting others, not just of allowing anyone to see me, but also that fear that they won't be there when I really need them to be, that includes close family members.

I guess I am now testing the waters more, each time they don't reject me when I take small risks it gets a little easier. I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Every time I feel the panic and fear at disclosing myself and the fear of being rejected, I now remind myself that fear stands for:

False
Emotions
Appearing
Real

Small baby steps are still a step in the right direction.

 

[silkleaves]

Oh this is such a major problem for me! Asking anyone for anything? No way! Trusting someone to be there for me or pull through for me is incredibly hard...it just doesn't happen. But...on the flip, I'm there at the drop of a hat for anyone else. My close friend has told me that she wants to be there for me too, and really...just hearing her say that, that it was important enough for her to mention it was awesome enough. Still can't ask for help.

My therapist talked to me about this, and said that it's clear there are people in my life who are trust-worthy, and said it doesn't have to be all or none, there are some people who I could trust for some things, but not others. Like, I can trust a friend to give me a ride if I need it, but not to water my plants for example. Or I could trust a friend to help me move, but not to loan money to. Just examples...

I listened, I understood, and yet still...I can't help it. I'm still very all or none, either I trust totally, because I want to badly to have someone to trust... or not at all, let me down and that's it, I'll never trust you with anything again. I'm aware that's not the "right" way to go about it, but it's just a hard feeling to break.

 

[shimmerz]

there are some people who I could trust for some things, but not others.

This is so very true in my case. It was when I started to apply this that many many things changed with my abandonment issues. I am not there yet but getting closer.