Have To Admit It's A Constant Thought

[Impossible]

No, but it's not tolerable for me and so is terrorizing.
Perhaps of my allowing it to occur, of not finding the solution, of not putting into effect a solution, of not ... doing the things I know I need to do. Not really "shame" but something worse. Can't explain. It doesn't matter what my state of mind is or whether my head is not my fault, none of that matters because I will still be the one who can't tolerate the consequences and putting myself into situations that I cannot bear. So the reasons don't matter, "being kind to myself" is irrelevant, because in the end it will still be my fault and there will still be nobody else who can help me anyway.

 

[Laura 2]

@Impossible - I guess I'm wondering what could be stopping you from sharing at least the type of catastrophe.

You know that you can only be responsible for those things over which you have power? Our reach of power varies widely according to whether we're healthy or sick.

You can let people make it your fault - quite by accident or unthinkingly - when you don't clearly see your own boundaries and limitations.

 

[Impossible]

I don't know, I just don't want to explain because it's "bigger" than I can portray, and it's like an octopus with each of its legs being another octopus and another... People tend to diminish, or minimize, or not understand all the facets and aspects of things that all are affected and how hugely important and necessary it all is to me, or to give advice that diminishes the problem(s) or impact(s) to me, or give some sort of motivational rah-rah like all I need to do is "believe in myself," or it's just all too complicated to explain and there's no "short version" because a short version wouldn't take into account all the side-facets that are all extremely important, then I end up explaining and explaining and explaining in a way that sounds like whining/negative/just denying or arguing with everything that anybody says. And I feel like I'm past the point inside where the thoughts themselves are becoming terrifying and I don't want to think about it, let alone try to explain all the ins and outs and ups and downs and "buts" and "ands."

And yes - I am the one responsible, I'm the one with the "power" - or who's supposed to, who needs to - the responsibility, and only me. It doesn't matter if I'm healthy or sick, my limitations don't matter - if I can't do it - doesn't matter. I still have to. That doesn't change the need or the responsibility at all, not one whit. It's not a boundary thing. I'm not taking on anybody else's stuff. I am the one who has the responsibility and I'm the only one who can fulfill it.

 

[Laura 2]

Ah yes, how well I know the interlinked, exponential problems and difficulties that mushroom and how people just.do.not.get.it. My life is an endless self-defence project now.

Maybe I didn't make my point about responsibility very well. If one is sick, then one's ability to shoulder responsibility is diminished. You cannot change that by thinking that you are entirely responsible. That's just beating yourself up. If you can't deal with your stuff, you just can't. And it's clear that you cannot, patently you do not have the power - no amount of castigating yourself will change that.

I assume you've broken the octopus down into bite-sized pieces and identified what needs to be done? Have you also identified who or what agencies could help with each bit or some of them? If you haven't done this, just start somewhere, anywhere that's the least terrifying.

Hey, @Impossible, I'm working in the dark here.... unless you have problems that are entirely new to humankind, a lot of us have had to deal with very similar stuff to what you are currently terrified of.

 

[Impossible]

No really...about the responsibility...... It's not an option to not do. It actually does not matter one whit whether or not I am well enough. The consequences are severe and unbearable (to me) no matter what.

Bite-size pieces don't help when you're terrified about everything anyway.

No agencies, no help, it's really all on me. I know it's in the dark. That's my fault, I'm sorry.... It just feels futile anyway. It's like I know what i have to do, I can't magically find solutions that will magically solve everything, and yet that's what I must do, and I can't - it's not even realistic, under normal circumstances, and yet the other option(s) that people typically do, is not a tolerable option for me, even if it were to magically occur - which it won't, probably, anyway, and I don't want it to because it's not tolerable, and so I'm not trying to do that, which is "wrong" and yet, the consequence of not doing that is also completely intolerable.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I read what you write and feel like I'm witnessing a negative feedback loop. Around and around without even a snack break. What can I do to help you? Not metaphysically but in the here and now. Are you seeking advice or needing to vent so you can process your distress? Your analogy to octupi is something I can relate to. It may not be the same association that you have, but I believe there are energetic 'cords' that tie us down to toxic things that are not serving our greater good. I am just beginning to identify these tentacles. Healing takes TIME and patience and self care- none of which I'm very good at. I feel compassion for you. I am unclear, though, what you need today.

 

[Laura 2]

couple of thoughts, @Impossible - you seem to have chosen to get on with this yourself and whatever you do or don't do things will change, because that's what they do.

If I may, I'd suggest, most strongly in fact, that you share the facts and the issues with someone who can suggest specific solutions because otherwise you'll just keep going round and round in circles without seeing how you're closing the doors each time round.

PS I'm the queen of terrified-about-everything, bite size pieces are the only way that helps once you've reached the middle of the intolerable, petrifying, inescapable maze!

 

[Impossible]

I don't know what I need. I mean, I know what I need, it's something real and concrete that I can't make happen and nobody else can, either, and it won't just magically appear.

I feel so outside of relatability that I don't even feel real. My situation(s) are such that, really it's not typical - the whole of it, and its parts.... I can't explain it fully enough to be really grasp-able, it's too complicated and I am not able to get across how very...I don't have the word... it is for me. There's no solid advice that anybody really can give me that can help. I keep whining and screaming about it I guess in desperation that somehow there will be a magical answer because any way you slice it, the outcomes are not tolerable to me and the despair is excruciating.

Re: closing doors, I don't know if you mean in response to advice, or whether it's presumed that I'm psychologically presuming all the doors (in my life) are closed when they're not and that it's my perceptions that are flawed (which is a touchy point as that's a part of a recent long-term terrorizing situation). If it's considered in response to advice, I know that I'm not telling the whole story and that therefore I keep saying "No that's not it" - I acknowledged that awhile ago - but the thing is, even if I tell the whole story, the situations within and on top of situations, which to me just doesn't seem possible to do - and even then, picking apart the parts, the natural advice would be things that don't work for me and/or things I can't (literally can't, not "think I can't") do, and/or things that aren't tolerable to me. It's an impossible situation. That's on top of the severe fears. In addition to. I can't explain.

I'm sorry - I know all I do is tick people off. Said I was annoying. Anything I do, though, it's going to be annoying. Then I know that 99% of the time also I end up with having to defend that my "stuff" is real and it's not "just created in my own head and I just won't see it." The situation is not a psychological construct. It doesn't help that I have the fears and such, not at all, but the holistic situation overall, it's real. I don't know what a negative feedback loop is.

There's no way for me to reach out and get some sort of semblance of ........ I don't even know any more. Because I can't explain it all. And even if I try, I will feel frustrated that it's not explained well enough so that people would really, really grasp how it is for me. There are huge existential parts to the whole...machine... concrete, survival-type elements, fears, traumas, things making it worse because of the fears and traumas, layers on top of layers. There's really no advice I guess. There's no strategies that work for me... there's nothing that helps with the fears, and additionally I'm excruciatingly aware that over the top of it all is this rapidly approaching either/or holistic life situation with untenable choices - or not-choices - whichever occurs, neither is tolerable. Completely intolerable for me. Unless a magical miracle happens, or unless I can magically make a miracle happen. And this to me is yet another layer of hopelessness and despair.

I guess unless I find a way to explain I'm just an idiot about all this. I don't know why I try. I seriously don't. I think I'm crazy. It's just been my experience that it's almost impossible for anyone to understand, maybe bits here and elements there, but not when you take everything and multiply them all to become exponentially greater than all their parts, as a whole. I just don't have the capacity to deal or make miracles, I'm too old and too "done" for any more faking or pretending of strength (god I hate that word)... strength which was in actuality self-denial. All I want is to be, and that's not even possible. Not in this world, not the way it is, not the way it works. Not what's valued, not what you "must" do, not the rules and the way our society and world functions. Everything else is just too painful anymore, and there's no "learning to cope" - once you've seen, you can't unsee, what things really are. I was never, ever meant to be what you're "supposed to," and it took too many decades of striving and being beaten-up and just trying to survive for that message to really sink in, and okay universe, I get it, I get it, but I can't make the miracle.

 

[Laura 2]

A 'negative feedback loop' is going round in circles and being stuck in a particular mindset whilst telling people that you can't explain what the problem is because it's too detailed and impossible but that you need help (or, as you put it, 'a miracle')... then this happens:

I know all I do is tick people off. Said I was annoying. Anything I do, though, it's going to be annoying.

....after which, quite naturally, you feel even more negative about yourself. And so the hell goes on and on and gets worse and worse. It's almost like you're provoking people to get annoyed with you. Why?? Why do you need people to be annoyed with you?

How can people begin to think about helping if you will not tell them what the issues and struggles are?

I don't think there's anything I can say to convince you that:

1. your problems have been faced and even solved by other people too - you're not alone

2. there IS a way to speak about the problems you're facing - if you want to drum up a tiny bit of courage and speak anonymously like all of us here

3. no one here would judge you or deny or diminish your problems in the way you think they would - in this you're your own worst enemy, sadly. You're the only one here who is judging and diminishing yourself, your truths and your skills.

May I ask, when was the last time you saw your doctor? Are you taking the right meds, do they need to be changed or reviewed?

Also when are you seeing your therapist again? Could you print out this thread and hand it to her/him? It may well help the therapist to understand more about your struggles.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I see that you are new to the site, as am I. Keep coming!! Your'e bound to identify with other people on this forum. We certainly are each unique, but we also have much in common. There is no denying how profound support groups are. You are not alone, and, anyway, who told you that there is something wrong with asking for help? Has someone been keeping you isolated? You matter.

 

[Impossible]

I know that my overarching problems are solvable, but I don't have the time or ability to find the right solution that doesn't involve some sort of intolerable situation in the timeframe they need to be solved. I'm the only one who can do it and it would pretty literally take a miracle to do so.

I don't and won't take meds, it's not the right thing for me. The only thing I'll take is anti-anxiety, but my Rx has no refills so I'm trying to preserve what I have left, it's almost impossible to get anyone to prescribe it, and I lost the medical practitioner who did in a traumatic life upheaval situation and I literally cannot go back to her (no, not even paying for it myself, it's not an insurance thing - not that I'd be able to anyway).

I'm not creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, I'm speaking from the experience of being considered annoying ... no matter how much I explain or how hard I try to explain it, even using analogies, but even if I were to try right now.... I feel like it would take a novel, and that still, seriously, I can't explain the amplitude, depth, breadth, intensity, multi-dimensionality and multi-facteted-ness of everything. It's not lack of courage, it's futility. Then there's this inherent assumption that it (the issues) must all be due to some sort of lack or skewed perception within me, when it's pretty much not.

My counselor knows but really I don't think anybody understands the depth of my despair or desperation, it seems like it's something foreign, and its causes, it's totality, all the different dimensions of it ....just people don't get it, not the whole thing, and even if she does understand, there's nothing anybody can do because it really does depend all on me to solve... and I know I probably can't, and I haven't even been able to do anything toward it, and the results will be intolerable to me (that's not a skewed perception or catastrophizing, it's a known fact based on crap-tons of experience and knowledge...

I feel like a fool, I know you're trying to help and I'm an idiot and seen as ...whatever... because I can't or won't explain or don't think it'd really be understood in its totality........... I'm to the point of, I can't explain anything. And I can't explain it how it looks or feels dimensionally along with everything else, all the different parts and facets of things that are all "big deals" in and of themselves, but when you put them all together - and you have to, because they all weigh on all aspects of my life - it's just a big fat .... demonic mess. And in the end it still comes down to me no matter what, because there's no other way, honestly.... I think I've entirely failed at life. My life. Nothing really feels like anything anymore. Because it's been too beaten-down over and over and over again... in every aspect of life... and I can't even begin to explain that... honestly it would take years and I'd still not be able to portray the feelings.

These are my truths.... It's not a matter of my perceptions being "inaccurate" (and I want to really avoid that phrase even, because there was a horrific experience about that!!!!!!!!!!! I can't express enough!!!!!) I know what my life is and what everything has happened and become, and no matter what, right now it's not about attitudes or perceptions or mind-set, there's so much reality.

 

[shimmerz]

rely on my somehow finding and implementing solutions to all my issues - solutions I don't have.

@Impossible it seems like you feel trapped within yourself. For myself I know how terrifying that is. And for me it was adding insult to injury realizing that nobody didn't want to help or couldn't help. It was terrifying knowing that I it was all up to me and I was frozen terrified. No escape and beyond everyone's comprehension. When I learned what happened to me (even in writing) nobody freaking believed me! Horrifying. That was the word for me.

I am wondering with everything that is going on - is there a word that you can attach to that can sum up the whole? Helpless? Horrifying? Terrifying? Overwhelming?

You are no fool.