Sexual Anorexia

[Futureseeker]

So from what I reading from above is that my relationship with my wife is doomed. I could expect us to completely fall apart. Every other part of our relationship is great we are best friends. But she is steadfast in not wanting to get therapy. We have been married for more than 15 years and never consummated. It's tearing me apart. She seems stuck and unable to get the help she needs to improve. Its been suggested that I should move on to "greener pastures" and find someone else to meet my needs. But I can't do that, I love her and want her to live her life to its fullest with me at her side.

Leaving her I think might provide her with the motivation to get the help she needs, but I believe it would simply make things worse for her. She has no one else to turn to, most of her family has passed on or estranged. And they would make things infinitely worse.

I feel utterly helpless about this and my own counselling is not really helping to get used to the type of life I am facing, life without intimacy from the woman I love. I just want her suffering to end so she can see the good that life has to offer.

 

[Laura 2]

But I can't do that, I love her and want her to live her life to its fullest with me at her side.

Is this your answer to yourself? That you will stay with her whatever? She's your best friend and you love her.

What if, God forbid, she'd suffered dreadful physical injuries and physically couldn't make love with you? Would you be urging her to get her act together/heal/get new, untried and very scary surgeries?

I guess I'm wondering why it's taken many years for you to more seriously address this problem and why it's only recently that you're evaluating the pros and cons of ending your marriage (which will end your best friend relationship too)?

Also, I'm wondering if you've had extra-marital relationships in all this time? (You don't need to answer that here - just that if you have or if your wife has any suspicion you have then that could be another reason why she might be so reluctant about intimacy.)

Your wife doesn't have a diagnosis of PTSD and we know practically nothing about so many other possible factors so it really is very difficult to know exactly what's at the root of your marriage's asexuality. Personally, I would be very upset if my loved ones were researching illnesses and attributing them to me without fully discussing and listening to all the issues first. (Believe me, that's happened to me and it's caused untold upset.)

I'm sorry that your own therapy isn't helping as much as you'd hoped, but I wish you the very best of good fortune in finding solutions that are good for you both.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Futureseeker. many people have good lives and good marriages without sex. That is not to say that it has to work for you, and that is your choice, you can leave if this need over-rides everything else.

She has no more power over you to make you stay, than you have power over what she wants sexually. It is common to have sex in a marriage, and eccentric not to - but don't confuse eccentric with 'wrong' or 'bad' or mistake 'usual' for 'a right' to expect. It is an idiosyncracy of the woman you married, and it is her right not to have sex, as it is yours not to stay in the relationship if you don't like that about her.

Does she feel that she is suffering? I don't know if, from what you've said, she is not having sex because of her symptoms, or if she has made a long term choice of celibacy. If she is content with her choice of celibacy, it may be that she doesn't need help.

Something I don't understand, is what has gone on for the past 15 years since you married? I don't mean this as a criticism, but it's quite clear that you haven't been educated about PTSD, and if she's always been celibate - it seems a heck of a long time to have never talked about any of this. So what has been going on for the past 15 years? Or what has gone on more recently, that this has become a problem now?

 

[Futureseeker]

The issue of ptsd only came out in the last year. Early in our marriage I knew her family history complicated things, I figured give time and show her a loving environment and she may come around. So avoidance of the issue became habit, habit became lifestyle. Until a year ago when the man who raised her passed away I pushed the issue and found out about her first assault. During our marriage I have remained faithful to her. We did fool around a little but not all the way.

And if she a physical illness that prevented intimacy I would have to learn to deal with that, but I view her issues as being dealt with properly, we can have a more fulfilling life.

 

[Laura 2]

So avoidance of the issue became habit, habit became lifestyle.

I like the way you put this - I know how easy it is to slide into the avoidance lifestyle.

And if she a physical illness that prevented intimacy I would have to learn to deal with that, but I view her issues as being dealt with properly, we can have a more fulfilling life.

I would argue that PTSD is every bit as much as devastatingly disabling as any serious physical disability. Indeed, increasingly research is showing that PTSD arises from physical brain damage caused by severe trauma.

And current treatments for PTSD, based on the psychological model as yet, promise no more than some improvement; no cures are currently identified. Few doctors know how to treat PTSD with any certainty, let alone deal with it properly which is your view of what would be best.

Your wish for your wife to have a more fulfilling life is understandable. But what if HER view is that her life is as fulfilling as she wants and is comfortable with?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Early in our marriage I knew her family history complicated things, I figured give time and show her a loving environment and she may come around.

Ok, so the reality now, is that it hasn't worked. But, just speaking from the point of view of someone who has been sexually abused, your wife may have lived for 15 years believing you that she is loved just for herself, rather than for sex. To find out after so long that it was never real, would be devastating and destroy any trust I had found. I understand that it was avoidance on your part, not a deliberate deception, but I am saying how I would feel about that.

I'm really don't know how you can begin to create an environment of honesty after 15 years of living happily with a lie. For that reason, I would recommend perhaps some marriage counselling, to help you create a more honest relationship between you, with a sensitive and gradual approach.

 

[Futureseeker]

Well I am sorry that my intentions are being misunderstood. I do love my wife or else I would not be looking for advice. I am sorry for being human and wanting a more intimate experience with the one I love. I will to look other sources for help. Otherwise I will have to follow the advice I have received here and leave the love woman to suffer on her own. I get the impression from the above posts that I am being selfish for dragging out this relationship and should just let go her.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You asked for advice, and you have recieved honesty from people with a good understanding of the long lasting effects of sexual abuse and rape.

This is understanding that you don't have, and that does take a long time, a lot of listening and a genuine willingness to want to know about the aspects of this world that most people prefer to turn their back on.

The impression that you get from the posts is your own impression, it has little to do with what people are trying to explain to you, with patience and tolerance.

Whatever you want to hear in life, you can find. You just have to close your ears to what you don't want to hear, and go and find people who will agree with what you want them to agree with. But there is no genuine learning in that. It's just creating a fake world where you can feel better about yourself and blame someone else..

 

[Tinyflame]

I am sorry, it's not right of me to respond without having read every post, but I have no doubt you love her if you've stayed together 15 years without sex. Wholly different if that was something understood from the beginning, but personally I don't think that wanting to make love to your wife is anything but normal or rather healthy. Nor do I feel that means you love her less.

You can't force anyone to get therapy, but perhaps she can work through it with more communication together on your parts, and working on a different connotation. Of course it will be new or frightening for her, and you will both have your challenges, but presuming she loves you equally perhaps she will be open to trusting that it won't be like she fears it is (from past experience).

Best wishes.