Sexual Assault Doubt... Was I Abused?

[Northgirl]

As I look around the site, I'm having a lot of guilt come up and questions about whether I've made something out of nothing. I get what some people say about the effects of an event being more important than what it is classified as, but what if I've been calling something abuse that really wasn't? I've blocked out so many memories of my childhood that are just underneath the surface but every time I revive them in therapy I doubt if I'm remembering them correctly. My story is that I did sexual things, reluctantly, with my brother who was 6 years my senior, when I was 9 years old. I had not been taught about sex up to this point and he was struggling with rejection from girls. He made me explore his genitals and fondle him until he got hard and tried to get me to perform oral sex, which I refused. That's it. It seems really minor now, but I struggle with flashbacks, nightmares about my Dad molesting me (which I have no memory of), and I struggle to have any sort of relationship with my brother to this day and am afraid to be alone with him. I fear that being in therapy is only exploring a topic that needs to be buried and minimized. Can someone help me make sense of this?

 

[PitbullLOVE]

Honey, you did NOT make something out of nothing! I am so sorry, but yes you were sexually assaulted by your brother, whether or not he was going through a tough time, he was old enough to know better! It is very normal to struggle with these thoughts, I did, too. I went through something similar and actually denied it to myself for years, because I didn't want to accept it was what it was and is. It's okay to feel that way. Are you in therapy? You need to be - that will help you work through this. :)
I went through something very similar, so if I can help you in any way, you let me know, as well.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Northgirl, sometimes, I think you have to trust yourself and deal with what you experience. Burying and minimizing doesn't help anyone. Finding fault, sometimes is equally unhelpful.

What I hear you saying here, is that you feel all the confusion and scarring that childhood sexual abuse creates, but that you don't feel that your brother was a deliberate abuser. That is completely right and acceptable to feel that way, and for it to be that way.

But don't let what your brother was going through, minimise your own experience. He may not have realised the damage it would do, but that damage did occur, and you are entitled to feel those feelings, and probably need to now that you are older and realise. It may be that your brother also has to deal with an adult knowledge of what he did too.

 

[anthony]

I have a different view from reading this, and it really comes down to what you outline in response @Northgirl as to validity or not.

Was this sexual assault? Yes and no. Because you're siblings and both under the age of adults, you would be classified as two siblings exploring sex. Siblings often explore sex with one another, its very common because. As you outlined, he was struggling with rejection from girls, so I wonder about his maturity for his age. A 15 year old today is often extremely mature compared to when I was 15, for example. Society has changed in this instance.

He didn't force anything, he respected your no's, which is what is often found in siblings exploring sex. When it crosses that threshold to forced sex, then my opinion differs obviously, to confirmed sexual assault / rape, minors and siblings or not. It is very normal though for an older sibling to take advantage of a younger sibling in exploring sex / sexual acts.

You're the one with the knowledge of your life. Would you classify the events as siblings exploring sex OR do you feel you were sexually assaulted? You really do get that choice under these circumstances, considering siblings sexual exploration is also considered a normal part of growing up. Your struggle actually more likely comes down to this decision... one or the other, but you get to decide and then you work with your decision, as it is most likely the most accurate for the thoughts you're having.

 

[bluebird]

@Northgirl, I am sorry you are struggling with such feelings. I assure you that feeling that way is quite usual. Your experience is causing you much pain and confusion. Minimizing it does not help in any way; you are important and you need to be heard... I know it is difficult to start therapy, however, this is something that can really help you get rid of feelings of guilt and shame.

The knowledge and intensions of your brother matter much less than your feelings now.

However, with all respect, I have to disagree with @anthony . I do not know your laws, but in my country, fifteen years old is already considered fully responsible for his actions. And any form of sexual contact between somebody older than fifteen and a chikd could have been classified as a crime.

Also, I have a brother and sister of similar ages as you and your brother were. And I know my brother knows better than that, that having done that with her, I would definitely consider such behaviour as crossing each possible line... I think that exploration between siblings is normal when a six years old girl is watching her younger brother peeing in a different way. However, a fifteen years old boy trying to gain as much pleasure as possible on purpose is something I can not call child exploration.

Perhaps he was not aware of the hurt you would feel later, he didn't use physical force - but it does not minimaze the pain you are experiencing now.

If you need anything, contact me, I will be here for you :-) This experience, however painful and confusing seems now, does not determine your future. Healing is possible!

Please, take care!

 

[Northgirl]

I really respect and appreciate your comments but do struggle with the fact that some people look at it as sexual exploration given that it would put much of the responsibility onto me. For that to have been the case it would have meant that I had interest, which I didn't, or it would change the fact that no matter how severe or impacting I or others view the abuse, he still took at very least psychological and emotional advantage of me. One of the hardest things to live with is the fact that I was as old as I was, an age when it would be expected that I could have had more control of my situation, and at least told someone. How many times have I wondered how history would have changed if my parents had known or I'd realized how scarred and affected I would be into my young adult years.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

How could she have possibly been responsible?! She was 9 years old! That makes me sick.

 

[bluebird]

@Northgirl, I really do understand... I was three when the abuse started, and yet, I often struggle with self-blame. It's like - I should have known, I should have done something...

Physical force is harmful. And so is emotional manipulation. Only the scars are not as visible as they are in the first case.

Do not beat yourself with these "what-if"s and "I-should-have"s. My sister is a bit older than you were, but I seriously doubt she would have been able to understand such situation. Even if some small problem occures at school (like her having an arguement with a friend or a tired teacher yelling at her class), it takes ages to make her tell us what had happened... Some children are not able to talk easily about difficult things.

 

[anthony]

How could she have possibly been responsible?

Who said she was responsible in this thread?

but do struggle with the fact that some people look at it as sexual exploration given that it would put much of the responsibility onto me.

I'm not saying you are to blame, and I'm sure I was precise in writing there are two possibilities that only you can decide, being it was, or was not, exploration as kids. Your title is also clearly a question, "was I abused?"

I think you have answered the question that you yourself asked here, struggling to know the answer, which is that you don't believe it was children exploring sex, thus you now have the answer to your question that only you could answer. Well done. Now you have to take this decision that your brother sexually abused you and now deal with what you feel in relation to that.

It does annoy me though that people don't read things here... and instead they skip key aspects of comments and conclude something not said because of their own bias from being sexually abused. The OP asked a question, was she abused? You cannot often tell someone outright, because it is them that get to decide and not you the responder, not people who have been abused and simply label everything and anything sexually inappropriate as abuse. It's not often that simple... and some members above need to start reading posts fully, understanding the words used in them, and not jump to biased conclusions.

Questions and alternatives help others make decisions, again, that only they get to decide, and not you the responder.

 

[Northgirl]

@anthony I feel it's wrong to imply that those who have been more blatantly abused than I are biased towards calling anything abuse because of their own experiences. I can't imagine anyone who has been through abuse wanting to have others joining their club, if anything they would wish it could be as simple as you implied. This being said, I did appreciate your viewpoint in response my original post. I would hope that people can look at situations through a critical lens. My struggle with doubt wouldn't be so great if I wasn't a minimizer, and it was first labeled abuse by my therapist who recognized my symptoms and would not let me stay in denial. Do I question whether my therapist can be objective? Yes. Have I also seen the pain and empathy he's shown as I've struggled? Yes. Do I think that's fake or coming from a self serving professional? No. Here lies the battle within myself to face my demons or try to live a less painful life by discounting my feelings.

 

[Lucycat]

It does annoy me though that people don't read things here... and instead they skip key aspects of comments and conclude something not said because of their own bias from being sexually abused. .

@anthony I feel it's wrong to imply that those who have been more blatantly abused than I are biased towards calling anything abuse because of their own experiences.

I acknowledge my own bias in this respect. On holiday I freaked out when I saw a little girl - maybe aged about 3 years - who had taken off the bottom half of her swimwear and was running around playing with her private region on public view. I pointed it out to Rory because it seriously bothered me that some paedophile might see her. But I knew that I was being unreasonable and Rory helped to calm me down. He understood why I was upset, but helped me to see that this was a perfectly normal acceptable childhood. It is very difficult not to see everybody as a pervert, but I do have to try and keep a perspective.

I entirely agree with Anthony that we are biased- but in some ways that is a good thing if it makes us more vigilant and protective of others. On the other hand if it distorts our thinking to the extent that we do not allow children to lead normal childhoods then we need to address our own thinking.

I do not know and am not commenting here on whether the OP was abused or not. I agree that it is her decision and whichever way she sees it, I do not think a 9 year old is 'to blame' for either exploration or abuse. Whatever - it bothers the OP so I would suggest discussing it formally in therapy might help to process the memories and move forward from this.

 

[Chava]

Young kids explore, totally mormal when close in age...like two 7 year olds. A 9 year old exploring with a 15 year old is NOT normal childhood exploration...and the one to be concerned about is the 15 year old.

Old post, but I hope that's clear...just do a little research on what is considered normal within childhod sex play. I'm sorry this is a red flag situation.