Why Can't I Talk?

[GWhizz]

I'm so sick of being unable to verbalize and express my feelings. I want my T to understand. I want to tell my partner, the father of my baby. Why do I revert back to my mute state I was in as a child / teenager? I'm sick of only being able to write shit down as though I've no connection at all.

When will I be able to speak? Maybe I'm just not ready. I wrote a note tonight for my T to read next week. At the end, I summed up how I feel my father owns me. He took everything away from me, all that I could be or would be. I have nothing left. I am nothing. The guilt and shame I feel are weighing too heavily upon me.

At 14 I tried to escape it all. I'm 28 now. Years have passed yet it's coming back to haunt me when I thought I'd buried it long ago. I've tried to move on and leave it behind but it won't stop coming back to haunt me this past ten months. Is it not enough that you go through years of this abuse, without it coming back to nag at you years later?

I'm trying to live a 'normal' life. I'm back in work on Monday. How am I supposed to function? I'm sorry this is so negative. I just feel lost. I had a flashback in therapy yesterday and wrote it down for my T. It's not even much but a part of it and I'm floored from it.

How do you pick yourself up from this? She is being supportive and text a few times yesterday evening. But I'm back in work Monday after ten months off and now I'm feeling unable for it?! I'm panicking about it and I can't cancel after getting signed off to go back.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ok...breathe slow abdominal breaths through your nose. When the anxiety presents itself and you start hyperventilating, slow down your breathing.

Do you have a comfort item? I use a small bag of feed corn that I microwave and put it on my lap when anxiety hits. I get my dog next to me and I read about mindfulness .

I do this because I am just like you. The memories just intrude on their own right in the middle of thinking I'm doing well. Then it's just down the rabbit hole I go. Why did I get robbed of a bright future, why am I still haunted by my childhood and also as an adult I have been attacked several times.

Our brains are forever changed. That doesn't mean we are hopeless even when we feel hopeless. I wonder if you got triggered by the fact that you are going back to work? Are you playing out the scene in your mind? Like how will it go or what will people say to me,etc.

Nows the time to rest and eat well. Get some sleep. Talk to your T and post us updates. It sucks what happened to you, you deserve to be happy and free of suffering. There will be times when stress has it's way with us. It flings us right back to our trauma in the freaking blink of an eye.

You've been out of work for awhile. If it were me I would have some apprehension about going back too. Put your grounding skills to work. Mind and body working together today.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I'm so sick of being unable to verbalize and express my feelings. I want my T to understand. I want to tell my partner, the father of my baby. Why do I revert back to my mute state I was in as a child / teenager? I'm sick of only being able to write shit down as though I've no connection at all. When will I be able to speak?

I can so relate to that feeling of frustration of not being able to talk. I barely spoke for a year when I was a kid and I have struggled to find my voice all throughout life. At therapy, I feel so stupid for having to write everything down, but I have begun to realize that it's better than keeping it all inside. I used to write everything. Now I can write the starter thought and then am often able to talk about it (it took me a year to get that far). Other times, I am still completely mute.

Going to work is hard. I only took one day off a week in the fall and now only when I really need them (which I have needed several lately) and it is difficult for me to go back the next day. For me it's more of an embarrassment, like I feel everyone knows that I am crazy and that is why I had to be out. Going back after 10 months sounds even more scary. Try to take it one day at a time. Try to encourage yourself to go to work on Monday and see how it goes. Maybe beforehand you can think of strategies that you can use to help you throughout the day. I am thinking of making myself a little booklet that will remind me of things (once I actually learn some that work for me) so that I can remind myself in the moment.

Most of all, know that you aren't alone and there are people on here who are supporting you.

 

[RussH]

GWhizz don't beat yourself up about not being able to verbalize how you feel, or what you are thinking. Instead, celebrate the fact that you can write it down. You are expressing yourself, only you are doing it in a safe, nonjudgemental fashion. The paper, or computer cannot offer looks, condescending attitudes, or judgements, they can only listen, so you can communicate with them. Use this ability to release the fear, and the pent up frustration you have buried inside.

There will come a time when you are able to talk about it. It will happen when you are truely ready to express yourself to other

 

[Jane.l]

I have got very down about not being able to talk - it's very frustrating! It's like the 'talking' part of your brain shuts down trying to protect you. So much of therapy would be easier if I could talk - things get missed and misunderstood in email.

I did write down a whole list of reasons of why it might be hard to talk and there were a lot . In therapy we have done some work on trying to build on ' it's safe to talk now ' and 'it's ok to tell now ' but I do still just shut down and zone out when it gets uncomfortable. I am really working hard on just trying to answer my T when I get like this - just one word answers. He is also getting really good at seeing when I start to 'go' and will change the subject to something mundane for a while to allow me to come back .

One of the things I have found most helpful - if your T likes to think a little out of the box - is walking and talking . Being outside with the world doing its thing and just the act of walking and moving forward seems to help my brain keep moving forward - also if what you needed to do was get away at the times of trauma the act of moving now seems to help - rather than feeling trapped and restricted in a t office - though I guess some people would find safety in being in the office. We are all different .

Also just starting with EMDR which I am hoping will be a little easier than CBT as there is minimal talking involved and also I am really hoping that I might be able to talk after things have been processed though I have no idea how realistic that is.

Don't be hard on yourself it's just your body trying to protect you - just keep trying different things and except it's going to be slow - if we've never been able to talk about 'things' then it's going to take time .

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you all for your supportive words. I just feel so defeated by it all. I feel like I trust my T now and there are things I want to share with her now but it's just so hard. It even took me 20minutes twiddling the pen before I could write some of it out. It also feels like when you email etc some of it gets missed and some misunderstood and I can't even clarify it. I'm just fed up - I know I'm only in therapy 6 months and I actually missed over a month of that having surgery etc. Maybe I'm trying to rush it and pushing myself. But that's because I just want to be done. I am a bit apprehensive about work. Not about the actual workload, moreso the fear that I could be triggered and have a flashback and that my colleagues will see me differently. I don't know. We have good supports in work in occupational health. Maybe I should make another appointment to see the psychotherapist there when I return.

Honestly, it is really helpful that I know I have people on here who can relate. It's just a constant battle with myself, against myself. If it weren't for my baby and partner, I would have nothing stopping me ending it all. Even at that, I still had to fight the compulsions really hard the past 2 days. I really don't want to bother my T on the weekend. She did say contact her ANYtime but I feel like I'd be crossing a boundary if I did

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Honestly, it is really helpful that I know I have people on here who can relate. It's just a constant battle with myself, against myself. If it weren't for my baby and partner, I would have nothing stopping me ending it all. Even at that, I still had to fight the compulsions really hard the past 2 days. I really don't want to bother my T on the weekend. She did say contact her ANYtime but I feel like I'd be crossing a boundary if I did

I always find myself thinking of it as a battle as well or a war. My therapist pointed out that maybe it was seeing it as a fight that makes it harder. She said seeing it more of a path or something like that. I have started to not think of it as a battle. I am glad that you can remind yourself of your baby and partner when you are thinking of ending it all. I have contacted my therapist when I have been in a really low spot. I always feel guilty for doing so because I don't want to be a burden or a pest, but she says she means it when she says it's okay to contact her. If I need help, I need help. She always says that she will do what she can to help, but also to remember that she may not always be available. If you need help, you need help and if she told you it was okay to contact her anytime, you should. Nonetheless, I get how scary that is.

 

[Jane.l]

Yes I agree if you need to contact your T - she didn't say only email on weekdays 9-5 - she said anytime.

I have realised I get in a mess when I try to control the horrible feelings/emotions that therapy seems to bring to the fore and that's when some guidance helps . Often you are not used to feeling anything because numbing has been your defence and feelings can feel very overwhelming when you have to face them.

Take care and don't feel bad about contacting your T she wouldn't want you to I am sure .

 

[RussH]

Ghwizz, Have you started a trauma diary? If not, please do. It will give you a venue to share your story, to share with us, your PTSD friends without fear of fallout. We understand, more than anyone else, how you feel. Perhaps if you are able to express your self in the limited anonomity given on this forum, then it will free you up to talk to people like your therapist.

 

[GWhizz]

That's a good point @JEKBreatheandBelieve. I am trying to see it as a 'process' kind of thing, but it's like 2 parts of me are fighting eachother one wanting to heal, the other wanting to remain in control. I hope I can begin to trust the process better. I too struggled to talk for almost 4years as a child/adolescent, during the worst traumas - it's extra scary now feeling like I'm back there unable to speak out about it, unable to protect myself.

@Jane.l you're right. Sometimes it's easier or at least it seems easier, to not feel. I have spent over ten years now 'pretending' everything was okay. Only having my own child triggered all this. I guess you can't run from it no matter how hard you try.

@RussH thank you for this. I have thought about starting one, though I wasn't sure where to start and wanted things a bit clearer in my own mind 1st also. But I guess that's probably just more of my pattern of avoidance. But I get your point, it's a good place to start at least getting it out there and not carrying it all to myself.

I still haven't contacted my T. I just am afraid of how she'll react. I don't want it to affect my job either if you get me. I need to be fit to do my job so I feel putting on a brave face is all I can do right now

 

[Sarah2732]

I still haven't contacted my T. I just am afraid of how she'll react. I don't want it to affect my job either if you get me. I need to be fit to do my job so I feel putting on a brave face is all I can do right now

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. You know you better than anyone, so if you can put on a brave face and compartmentalize through an 8 hour work day, do it. I understand being afraid how your T might respond, but if she gave you permission to text her anytime, you HAVE permission to text her any time! (I know that's hard to get through your head! my T wrote a note for me that said she wanted me to text her if I felt like I needed to text her, and having that note in writing, was, a lot of times the only reason I did. Maybe your T could give you something like that?) Also, maybe if you know what you need to hear just texting her a specific request, like "Tell me I am ready for this?" etc would be easier to text, because you'd know what to expect back.

Re: writing instead of talking. It's bringing truth and secrets into the light, so it's big progress and something to feel proud of. I wonder if if would help to bridge the gap between writing and talking if you started trying to read out loud some of what you wrote? My trauma T was big on that, said it was important to speak it out loud, even if it took 20X longer to get said than it would to have emailed it or passed the note.

 

[GWhizz]

@Sarah2732 - my shift it 13hours+ lol! I hope I can compartmentalise and just focus on my job.

That's really great your T did that, she sounds really good. I'll ask her to clarify it for me maybe and explain why I'm hesitant to be bothering her. I also don't like feeling needy or dependent or reliant on anyone if that makes sense. I want to be independent because I've never had someone who would take care of me in a crisis I guess.

She does always ask me 1st will I read it. She then asks can she read it aloud but I just can't face it so she reads it to herself then we talk a little about it but even that, I barely say much. I'm really hoping I can build my confidence