Death My Trigger To Ptsd - Mum Died Of Cancer

[It's Me]

I guess I could encompass the entirety of my PTSD to what happened in front of my eyes for 3 months.

My mum died of cancer but during the 3 months I saw her change so much - I heard things no one my age should ever be told - I got panicked - told the absolute worst and then it picked up again and then it didn't and then she was gone...

I guess what I'm trying to get to is is this normal? It wasn't me in intensive care multiple times - it wasn't me who got the diagnosis and it wasn't me who went into hospital expecting to leave happy and healthy but left in a private ambulance... I just don't know what's normal anymore - she shouldn't have died and I shouldn't be the one who's head mucked up - isn't it kind of selfish? I do t know anymore - any one know how I can stop this? I can't go on like this anymore.

Sorry if this makes no sense I'm lying awake at midnight with two exams in the morning praying in safe from the flashbacks just one night - I won't sleep till early morning anyway - I feel like a freak.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @It's Me , I'm sorry I don't have great words of wisdom but I have cared for 3 relatives (all close relationships) through their illnesses (cancer, +) through death, & around others since a kid on up, have lived through these things (not helpful I have to do it through work as well :( ). I do not think at any age we can escape these horrific images & the realities, but I do not think you are selfish. Frankly, I would have wished I could change position with them, but that would have caused them more suffering because they would have had to live with it (afterwards) & my death- particularly no good if as a parent they expect to outlive you.

It sounds like you loved your mom very much, & she would be proud you are trying to do your best with the exams. :tup: I hope there is someone you can talk to, or a therapist, and you can post here.

I try to think (now) of flashbacks as either something to learn something from, or almost like a ('live') nightmare. But they are only that. No more than when we have a nightmare proper. I think reminders (triggers) start them off, as well as possibly stress, exhaustion, even body position/ temperature/ details, those all might contribute.

I hope you can get a bit of rest tonight, & I'll be pulling for you for your exams. :hug:

(PS, I've felt like a freak too- you're not. But I 'get it', it's pretty 'normal' to feel like it. ) :hug:

 

[risingsun]

I guess what I'm trying to get to is is this normal?

Yes it is normal. I am so so sorry for your loss. What an incredible loss. My prayers are with you.

it wasn't me who got the diagnosis and it wasn't me who went into hospital expecting to leave happy and healthy but left in a private ambulance...

In a way, you did get a diagnosis, but it was regarding your Mum. You did expect her to leave happy and healthy right along with her I'm sure. So you were a witness to all of this 'all along' and what a trauma!

One of my traumas is the sudden/traumatic loss of a loved one. It was an accident and a day and a half survival. But it shaked me to my core literally. Only in your case, it was sudden but also more of a slower traumatic loss where you saw your beloved Mum pass away in front of your eyes and it was beyond your control and for three months which makes it harder!

Do not be hard on yourself. You suffered a traumatic loss. Know that your Mum is with you and watching over you. It seems like you need help processing this. Maybe talking to a grief/trauma therapist would be a good idea right now. Nothing is wrong with you and you are not selfish. You need help coping and there is nothing wrong with that.

After the loss I suffered, I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't focus. I experienced many many emotions. I literally didn't even feel like I was in my body.

You will recover from this It's Me. Your Mum is right there with you and will be always. Again, I am so so sorry for your loss. Please reach out for the help you need processing this.
My prayers are with you. Rising Sun.

 

[It's Me]

Thank you for your replies,
I guess...no one listens to me though - I'm on a list for bereavement counselling now which has taken me several months to be accepted into and I had an assessment done about 2 months ago which I was finally given having been to the doctors several times and having had a psychologist referral which was deemed a waste of resources...yay.....
How are you all? Xx

 

[patronus]

I guess everyone deals with this kind of thing differently but I can say, having gone through watching my mother die of cancer over four long years, that it's affected me the way you describe it having affected you. It's been well over ten years since my mother passed away but I still have very vivid flashbacks - I remember smells vividly, remember certain sounds vividly (like the sound of her oxygen machine in the bedroom I shared with her - I was her sole carer and so had to be around as much as possible for her, which wasn't easy because I was also in high school at the time), tv shows or movies or any kind of media that talks about cancer has me crying my eyes out and usually leaves me in a mess, I frequently have nightmares about the awful things I saw my mother go through...

Anyway, not to make this about me, but what I'm getting at is that you're not alone. I understand very deeply what you're going through. Biggest hugs to you. I'm very sorry you're going through this, it's awful, I know.

 

[snout.power]

Hey It's Me.. How are you tracking there, let's have an update please. I just found this site because I'm going through my own crap, but it looks like you are having the worst year ever. Are you having useful dialogues with people who care about you and your family? Is your dad around and how is that going? Did the therapy thing ever happen...

 

[The Albatross]

Yes, you are right. It wasn't you. It is good that you are acknowledging the distinction between your mother's experience and your own. Too many people blend those. It is largely detrimental.

No it is not your experience. Your experience is the loss of a parent. Not her cancer.

 

[The Albatross]

You have PTSD prior to the death of a parent?

 

[It's Me]

Hey again,
My update isn't overly positive, at the moment I'm going back through the three months before she died - in fact today is a year since she first went into intensive care (then there's percentages of survival dates, when things were terrible etc etc) so yeah....not overly positive - family wise my dads okay, it's just me and him - no siblings and the majority of my other family have basically said I'm a let down to the family...yay....however my head of year is now communicating better with me and trying to find ways we can help me but what we can/can't is rather lacking.
Therapy wise I'm now on a waiting list for camhs but that takes months to work and even then people seem to get mixed reviews about them. Albatross no I didn't have it prior to mum passing away
Hope you are all okay x

 

[snout.power]

I wish there was an off button for those visions.
Keep participating in your studies, engage with the staff and teachers, and stay a part of your world (even if it's a messed up version of yourself at the mo). I'm sorry you have to go through this :(
When I go out to the country, or if I'm visiting Asia, where people are more connected to the land and the daily energies of life, people see things like life and death very differently. And the energy that we carry within us, they give it different names, but it's there, holding us together.

 

[Rumors]

My mom died of cancer 4 years ago and I can still relive the weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of her death. They were excruciating because I knew she was dying. However, I wouldn't have her back one second as sick as she was. I miss her to the moon and back everyday. Grieving is an individual thing. You should allow yourself to just 'be' for a while and not question the validity of your feelings. Of course they are valid and you should know that locking them away just kicks the can down the road, but eventually one day it will have to be dealt with. Hang in there! Sending strength.