I Saw My Dad On Father's Day For The First Time Since Abuse Happened.

[FindingMyself88]

The title pretty much says it all. My dad physically abused me, neglected me, and abandoned me all of my childhood. When I was 16 he just walked out of my life for almost 6 years until 2010. Since then we have been talking and slowly doing more together, but this was the first Father's day I have spent with him. We went fishing together with his wife and a friend and Bristol.

I couldn't even tell him happy Father's Day and now I feel like a horrible person. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get him a card or anything.

He is trying, he is no longer abusive. But he is so… pitiful? I don't know how to explain it. His health isn't the best, he has a bad heart (pacemaker, defibulator, etc). So I struggle with feeling bad for him. He also just cannot see that I don't remember the same childhood he does. He remembers good things, I don't. I'm sure there may have been good times, but it was ALWAYS clouded over by extreme fear. If I did something wrong or if his wife's at the time grandchildren did something, I got beat for it. I don't like talking about the past. I have surprisingly been able to tell him not to talk about his now ex wife as she was a sexual abuser and I can't even stand to hear her name.

But I cannot see him as a dad. I see him as some man in my life. I struggle with feeling guilty about this. After all he is trying, I am the one who just can't get over the past! The issue lies with me...

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I wonder, how did you feel about seeing him on Father's Day? Why did you go out fishing with him? Is it because you feel guilty, or compelled for some reason? Or do you want to spend time with him?

But I cannot see him as a dad. I see him as some man in my life. I struggle with feeling guilty about this. After all he is trying, I am the one who just can't get over the past! The issue lies with me...

No, the issue lies with him. I haven't been through a similar thing, but I can definitely empathize.

You said so yourself: most of your childhood was clouded over by extreme fear. That is not acceptable. Whether your father is sorry about what he did or not doesn't change anything. It might help with your and/or his coping, but it doesn't make up for any of what he's put you through.

I just want to say that you really don't owe him anything. No child owes their parents anything, except for perhaps returning the love and support they've always received from them. Your father didn't give you that. Sure, there might have been some good moments and it's okay to cherish them. But what he did was abusive and so wrong. And judging by your story, it wasn't something that happened once when he had a bad day (which is bad enough already!), but it was a constant part of your life. No person, especially a child, deserves to go thrrough such horror and live in fear like that. You are entitled to your feelings and you have every right to be "selfish" in this regard. It is a parent's obligation to give their children a happy and safe childhood. If anyone owes anyone anything here, it's him; he owes you the safe and happy childhood that you deserve, but never had.

Supportive hug if you'd like one :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

Yeah? And YOU have PTSD, not him. You are where you are right now and that is it. Period. The fact that you spent the day with him is huge and I am certain he appreciated the time with you.
Be where you are and forget the rest. You can't force healing.It's your journey- not his

 

[scout86]

Spending the day with him was probably the best Father's Day gift he could ever get.

No matter what changes in one person, the people around them can't just shift gears and keep up. He's in one place, you're in another. I'm glad that he seems to have changed, and that he's trying to connect with you. I'm glad that you're willing to do some of that too, but you're entitled to feel however you do about it.

One of the things my T says all the time, that I like the best, is that we all have our own road maps of reality. They will not be the same, even if people lived through the same events. We will each have our own perceptions of those events. But, he says to remember that they are ALL just "road maps". "The map is not the territory". What I'm suggesting is that you each remember those childhood years in your own way, for your own reasons. Those are based on who you are/were and how you were taking things at the time. Your fear, for example, was real. It was based on what you experienced and how you interpreted it. His perceptions were real to him too.There's a chance that "reality" if we could know what that was, was somewhere in between. In my own case, I grew up thinking my mom was unpredictable and dangerous. She was unpredictable, by me, and still is, although others seem to be able to predict her behavior or not be bothered by it. "Dangerous"? I don't know. Thinking about it now, I'm not sure my life was actually in danger, at least not often. That doesn't mean I had no right to feel that way. It just means my interpretation might not have been 100% in line with "reality". I think that's something we all deal with, at least if we decide to try to bridge that gap with someone.

Another thing my T has said a few times, is "I wish you could think of these people (biological family) as just being 'interesting'!" In other words, don't react like I'm 5 and they still have any control over me or my life. That's been working pretty well, most of the time. When I have to deal with my mom, which I do now & then, I handle her like I would any other little old lady who's a little "different". You might try that approach with your biological father. He's your father by biology. I think a person has to earn the right to be thought of as your dad. He still has some work to do in that regard, but maybe he's willing to do it. Who knows?

 

[FindingMyself88]

I wonder, how did you feel about seeing him on Father's Day? Why did you go out fishing with him? Is it because you feel guilty, or compelled for some reason? Or do you want to spend time with him?

To be honest, I think I dissociated a LOT of the day, and tried to forget it was Father's day. Due to the physical abuse from him and the emotional abuse from my mom, Mother's day and Father's day are both EXTREMELY hard days for me. So I really just tried to think of it as just another day. I went fishing with him because he is asking to spend more time with me and he was in town. He wanted to go Friday, but I didn't feel well plus Bristol (my SD in training) had just had surgery and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her at home (for her sake and mine) but I knew she couldn't handle the heat and bugs. So instead we went Sunday night. I don't honestly know why I am spending more time with him… part of it is I know it's the "right" thing to do. Plus I think a tiny part of it is I want to get to know this new him better.

Thank you for the hugs and support!

@desiderata310 thank you for that affirmation. I just always feel so guilty for letting the past bother me so much. I know that it's the PTSD and I can't help it, but the side of me that has had religion drilled into me says I should be over it by now. My new church is more understanding, but after 10 years of manipulation from my old youth pastor, it's hard to break those thoughts.

@scout86 Thank you for sharing those. My T says I am more compassionate than most of her clients. She said most wouldn't have anything to do with their dad after what he did and that I would have every right to do that if I wanted. But like I said earlier, I don't honestly know my real reason for having anything to do with him…

My T does tell me that they have no control over me now and I have the right to decide…they are not my lifeline anymore.