I Don't Know Why I Started Drinking Again

[quiettime77]

First post!

After suffering from ptsd for many years and self medicating with alcohol, early last year I quit drinking when I started seeing some real improvements in my symptoms. I had found a wonderful therapist and the clouds lifted. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, I feel good and decided that I can occasionally drink again. It hasn't been an issue until yesterday.

I had a triggering event occur a few days ago and last night I got wasted due to that awful feeling. I woke up in the middle of the night and knew that I had experienced some kind of emotional flashback which ratcheted up my desire to drink to levels I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

I feel like I threw away my progress. Why couldn't I realize what that awful feeling was and cope like I have in the past? Is it a form of disassociation? I don't normally suffer from disassociation, just flashbacks. I told a friend today that it feels like a really sick form of amnesia. I've been through it hundreds of times but yesterday I couldn't just stop! and think. I went in full attack mode and made it my mission to destroy myself. Just like old times...

I'm off the booze again. If I can drink responsibly 9/10 times, that one time I can't is too much. I've been perusing the forum and am happy I found it. :) I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I just felt like connecting with other ptsd sufferers is healthier than sitting here wallowing in guilt. Thanks for being here <3

qt77

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Quiet Time... no you didn't throw away all of your progress. You got a wake up call though about some times not having a defense against unwanted behavior? Glad you're back on the wagon and glad you are connecting with others. It is healthier than sitting and wallowing in guilt or isolation, to be sure.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree with @The Albatross that not all your progress is lost at all. You can learn from all this and use it as knowledge.

Glad you found us. Take care. :)

 

[quiettime77]

Thanks for the welcome! :hug: I woke up feeling pretty positive and calm. I'm going to hop in the shower soon and make myself leave the house today.

Albatross, that's one tool I never quite mastered, to protect myself from unwanted behavior. I think that's where the alcohol fits in with me. I feel so helpless that I use it get control over whatever and then turn into a wrecking machine. Where would I start to learn to defend myself against unwanted behavior? Meditation, yoga, something along those lines? When triggered, my mind moves so fast that I just give up and follow behind.

I'm on no meds due to a suicide attempt years ago, my Ts thought it best that I stay off of them, and I was doing really well til this week. It doesn't help that my husband is gone for work, and I'm sitting here alone. I think I need a hobby :D

qt77

 

[Go Hungry]

Welcome qt77. :) I'm really glad you posted this, as I've been thinking about trying out another drink myself. Just one little shot of rum, to see if I can control it. And I'm sure I could, for a time. But sooner or later, I think I would binge again, and that risk is just too great. You've helped me out a lot more than you may realize.

And you certainly haven't thrown away your progress.. Quitting is the same every time. I just don't drink anymore. Simple as that. It's probably a good thing that I'm going to be skipping the annual party where I got my start drinking all those years ago. ;)

But yes, thanks again. It's great to hear about somebody stumbling and then jumping right back on the path.

 

[quiettime77]

Glad I could help Go Hungry :) Good for you for quitting! Binging really sneaks up you, doesn't it? It sounds like a good idea at the time, but it's really not. Skipping the annual party seems to be a good idea if you feel you aren't strong enough. I don't know about you, but my sober intentions around drinking friends didn't last long.

When I resumed drinking, I remember thinking in the back of my mind of the "slippery slope" and what that means for someone has worked through their ptsd. I wasn't at the top of the hill, but I was out of the valley. One wrong step and down I go. It happened, and I can't change it. Time to dust off and get back to work. I just hope I'm smart enough to listen to that helpful little voice next time I feel I can handle a few cocktails.

One of the most beautiful things I was able to experience while going through treatment is the reawakening of my conscience. Once I started feeling like myself again, I didn't miss the booze at all.

Bought some fancy organic chamomile tea today, along with some local raw honey, that will be my drink of choice in the evenings now. :D

qt77

 

[Go Hungry]

One of the most beautiful things I was able to experience while going through treatment is the reawakening of my conscience. Once I started feeling like myself again, I didn't miss the booze at all.

qt77

Oh tell me about it!! There were all sorts of ugly thoughts and words in my head. Then when I quit I realized that it was when I drank that I thought in that way the most.. And it just gradually bled into my normal everyday existence. So all of sudden I stopped viewing the world like I was drunk when I was in fact sober. A lot of things changed after that... It was like you said, I started feeling like 'me' again..

 

[KwanYingirl]

I went to AA 23 years ago after years trying to control my drinking. I on my own I always picked up again for some small slight. AA helps us learn coping tools, a group of like minded others. Validation, on and on. The only requirement for attending meetings is the desire to stop drinking. The support is phenomenal.

 

[BloomInWinter]

AA has helped me stay sober for almost 24 years. It saved my life.