Relationship Does Time Heal?

[TDaily]

Could use some advice.
I met my wife almost 2 and a half years ago and we we've been married for almost 6 months. She suffers from PTSD. She is an Army Veteran who spent some time in Korea and Iraq and is divorced with a child who just turned 10 (whom I adore).

Just prior to our wedding, my wife's PTSD would trigger all the time. I don't know if it was the stress of the wedding coming up or what, but the episodes would reach rage levels I had not seen in her before. I asked her family, my family, my friends what I could do about it. My now sister-in-law informed me that she stopped taking her meds and stopped going to the therapist. The reasoning was, she said, was because she was so happy with me, she felt she didn't need them anymore. She got word that I approached everyone for help and that set her off even further. Because of it, she says she cannot trust me anymore. I told her I was simply looking for help, because I did not know where to turn. She told me numerous times leading right up to the wedding that she did not want to marry me anymore, and those comments really freaked me out. I now know those comments are attributed to rage filled emotions triggered by the PTSD, but I did not see it at the time. She was also extremely upset that I included my sister in the wedding party. She absolutely HATES my sister, for things she has done in the past. Things I see as not meaningless, but things we should be able to move on from. Things that have happened over a year and a half ago.

Anyway, we got married and I am truly happy. I believe she is too, but I really feel like I am walking on eggshells here. I'm learning more and more about PTSD everyday, and I do everything in my power to avoid triggering it with my wife. I am the type of person who will do anything to avoid an argument, but there are days where it is unavoidable. They seem to come up every couple of weeks or so, where she gets into this rage, and starts taking it out on me. The worst part for me, is that it always comes back to my sister. It could be a completely unrelated topic, and the argument always ends with my sister being a b----.

I want to be able to move on from this, and I always ask her in the argument how we can move on from this, how we can resolve it. I hate that the same argument keeps coming up with no resolution. I feel I do a pretty good job of being even-keel and rational during arguments, but it never really seems to matter.

I was hoping that time would be able to heal these wounds and we could move on from them, but I'm not so sure. She keeps telling me that my sister will always be a b---- and that I can't be trusted because of when I sought help from the family prior to the wedding. It's gotten to the point where her distrust has spilled over into other parts of my family as well. Talks of leaving me have also surfaced from time to time, but I always attribute them to PTSD episodes. I will never leave her myself, because I love her and I love my step-daughter.

I'm a pretty easy-going guy and come from a very close family. I like to approach things rationally, but these episodes are starting to wear down on me. As with most other threads, there are a TON more details I'm leaving out. I am wondering from other peoples' experience, does time heal these wounds? Can we get to a point where I don't have to fear having a relationship with my family again as it might trigger my wife? I think I may already know what the next steps probably are, but I would like some other opinions as well.

 

[silkleaves]

A general thing I can say about time, is that time in and of itself does not do the healing, it's what you do with the time that creates healing. In other words, if nothing is done, then nothing will change.

Personally, I am an all or none, 0% or 100%, black and white thinker...it's something that is very frustrating to me, but it sounds like your wife has a bit of the same thing. I can relate...to the feeling that someone has broken my trust, and so I don't feel like I can trust them with anything ever again and having a hard time letting that go.

She quit going to therapy and taking her meds because she felt like she could manage without it (I myself am in that phase) but it's clear that she is not managing. I would say that it's important to encourage her to at least go back to therapy. Maybe even offer to go with her, as a sign of your devotion to building back her trust in you, and show that you are in this with her for both of you, so that its not like you are implying its all her fault or all in her head.

Even if it is...I know that for me, I feel so totally justified with how I feel in the moment, that any implication that it's all me would just tee me off even more. Like, I can kind of understand where she is coming from, I would be really upset too to find out someone I trust was going behind my back to talk to my family about me. And I know that you did it with good intentions, but that's how I would feel and take it...paranoia would set in something fierce. So yeah anyway, its not the time, but what you do with the time...make a plan to work through this with her. She's the one dealing with it, and you are the one living with it, her family and friends are outsiders to the intimate workings of your life together. Going to a professional together is the best way to go I think.

 

[marylouise]

I'd say that time doesn't heal by itself, but it can with a recovery program to address the PTSD. It sounds like your wife is not pursuing recovery though, and that is dangerous - for her and for your relationship. She needs help, more than you can give. She's blessed to have a loving, supportive partner, but this too much to ask of you. Can you tell her you're worried about your relationship? I'd suggest couples counseling as well, if she was willing and you can afford it, but only if she's willing to go back into therapy herself.

 

[Al_Lurker]

Time does not heal all wounds, without treatment for both of you this one will only fester and get worse. I failed miserably at the part of the relationship where I triggered her the first time so I won't offer advice as to how to proceed but her trusting you, and herself, have to be addressed. If I had a do over I'd do my utmost to get her back into therapy and go myself -with her knowledge - if possible.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Does time *alone* heal? NO. Does time heal when combined with therapy, medication (possibly), active healing, and a support network....most definitely (but complete healing is never a guarantee.)

I am concerned that your wife isn't in therapy or taking medication. You were able to make her feel better for a time, but sadly that wasn't true healing in that her symptoms have come back with a vengeance.

I can't figure out if you mean that you'd like to move on from the individual issues that pop up, such as those with your family, or if you'd like to move on from the PTSD in general. Well, there is no moving on from PTSD. It will always be there in one way or another. That's not to say she won't ever go into complete remission and remain symptom free for an extended period of time, because she may. However, PTSD is a disorder that is managed for life. When one does become symptom free, its because they have worked hard to get to that point. If you start to slack and let up on the self-care or the symptom management, then it is more likely that symptoms will return.

Take PTSD out of the picture. It is abusive to isolate someone from friends/family, and effectively that is what your wife is doing. I have NO idea what your family/sister did that was so wrong, but if its on the level of forgivable, then this is something your wife needs to work on. You may need to start playing hard ball because right now she is walking all over you. Not all PTSD sufferers take well to these firm boundaries, but yeah, you can and should put your foot down and tell your wife that negativity toward your sister will NOT be tolerated. Your wife will see this as you taking your sisters side, when the reality is that you are trying to stop the damage and heal your family.

I wish you the best.

 

[Amalia]

I would agree with the above. But I think PTSd sufferers and their partmers need to accept that we attract people also because instinctively we see a dynamic that we recognise. You need to change in yourself first. and that means setting up boundaries because she is utterly in control at the moment.
What will possibly happen if you do is that there will be a kick off, but she`s bright, she`ll know what you mean and understand and get it. It says a lot that you are from a seemingly stable, close knit family yet have chosen to be with someone utterly volatile. But love her you clearly do x so. Set up the boundaires, don`t be swayed by the PTSD threats and all that rubbish.

But do one thing. Don`t ..... use that power those new boundaries wil provide against her, if possible. I wish my past myanifested itself in a far more palatable way. But with all of us it doesn`t. Unfortunately. Heartbreakingly. You should not be treated like this, and it sounds like a lot of fear, terror and huff and puff to me ptsd speaking. But you shouldn`t abuse her and she should never abuse you.
There is agreat saying `suspicion and love cannot reside in the same space; once the former arrives, the latter leaves`.

Don`t use the power you may have if this goes right to pay her back in some way for what she has done to you.

Good bloody luck :-)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Time does heal while treatment and hard work on herself is going on. Everyone had such good things to advise you. Her rages seem out of control. Couples counseling is a good start. She sure needs to get back on her meds and back into personal therapy.

I have a sister who is a rageaholic where she gets black outs when she rages. She has always been this way. She went to therapy and got on meds but never dealt with the out of control rages.

I am concerned about your wife not dealing well with anything at the moment. You do not deserve to be the brunt of that.

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will seek out help.

You can set some limits and boundries with her and stick to them. You can use time outs and go back to the issue later when she has calmed down.

You deserve to be treated well and with respect. There is nothing good about being her victim. She cannot use her rages as an excuse.

This is my opinion and please toss it if it does not work for you. I am wishing you the best.

 

[shimmerz]

is that time in and of itself does not do the healing, it's what you do with the time that creates healing.

These words are all through this posting. You are seeing the value of reaching out - which shows me that you are in a healthier space. The problem is that unless you do not engage at all - this will most likely affect you in a negative way. Your commitment to hold onto the relationship regardless - well that will mean making choices somewhere along the line in order to ease your being targeted in place of your sister. That is a slippery slope.

It sounds like your wife is not pursuing recovery though, and that is dangerous - for her and for your relationship.

She stopped taking her meds and going to therapy most likely thinking that all is well now because she has you. You may possibly be allowing her an outlet for her rage. Do you want to be that person?

active healing, and a support network....most definitely

Generally people with PTSD alienate people. They have attachment disorders many times. She may well be reacting to your reaching out to others because this concept is foreign to her. It sounds to me like this is where you want to get to - to have BOTH of you have a supportive community around you. However, you can lead a horse to water.....

 

[silkleaves]

Generally people with PTSD alienate people. They have attachment disorders many times. She may well be reacting to your reaching out to others because this concept is foreign to her. It sounds to me like this is where you want to get to - to have BOTH of you have a supportive community around you. However, you can lead a horse to water.....

You know, reading this reminds me how its hard to give advice when you are on the inside looking out. Because what you are saying here is true...regarding my advice was to keep the family out of it. But that is definitely me coming from a place of alienating others and not going to family, or any outsiders, for support, which I suppose would be something people would do.

Like I said though, I'm coming from a place where I can see her point of view, the feeling that he is going behind her back to talk about her, and how that would make me feel paranoid. I know that with my ex, when he mentioned that he talked to friends about our relationship...I instantly felt like he was just talking about me, they were all laughing at me and I was just something to gossip about. I still feel that way..whether it's true or not, I don't know. Maybe that is just my perception and paranoia. Probably...most likely. But even 4 years later, I still have a hard time being around people he said he talked to, because I feel like I'm just a joke to them.

But yeah...just wanted to say, I've gotta retract that part about keeping the family out of it, only because I can see that aspect of what I said is my own PTSD talking there, and likely not the healthiest way to go about things.

 

[shimmerz]

the feeling that he is going behind her back to talk about her, and how that would make me feel paranoid.

And this is the conflict that comes with trauma. Seeing both sides can be a curse and a blessing. I wouldn't necessarily retract that statement as it is possible that the sister is doing something that is not supportive (or the perception is such), but not seeking help for it - that to me seems like a red flag dancing in the wind and hitting someone on the head.

 

[silkleaves]

Yes, I definitely agree with seeking help... I hope, would like to think that...if I were in a relationship and there was a lot of conflict going on / I felt myself slipping away, that I would have enough mind to go back to therapy again. I did reach pretty close to rock bottom when I sought out therapy last year, and I really don't want to be in that low of a place again, and definitely don't want to take someone down with me.

So yeah, I just hope that I would be able to see it that I need help. But I can't even say for sure, because in the moment, I can really feel like I'm totally validated and I'm not the problem. On a side note, I hope that if I do reach that point, I'll be able to come back through here and read the things Im saying while in clarity, pay attention to what I'm saying and take my own advice.

 

[ISupportHer]

A lot of good responses. Time may not be all it takes but yet it does TAKE time. No quick fixes. I used to be on the forum every day, multiple times a day. But, over time, things are better.

I hope you are sitting down, the bad phase lasted probably 3-4 years for my wife. I know you say you have only been married 6 months but it CAN get better. I hope it does for both of you.

By the way, I give my wife all the credit. A lot of my early time here was learning that I could not fix things for her. It's something we all have to learn on our own, I feel. I don't feel I NEED to be here anymore yet feel I want to offer the same encouragement I received 5 years ago when I joined.