Recurring Thoughts

[jmni]

In that case, it was someone who was not a part of my life anymore. I was unable to contact them. But I still had a lot of feelings about it, so I wrote the letters instead. I never sent them. In reality I had never told them how I actually felt at the time. So writing it down when you did this ... i felt ... let out some pent up emotions.

 

[Shaan]

@jmni I'd say you did the right thing anyway. Better than having a 100 guilty thoughts about letting people know. Because in the end the thought fades but if there are too many people you share them with then the chances of getting reminded of it increases. Too bad I realised it now. But I'm not sure the next time I get an anxiety attack I will remember this realisation anymore.

 

[jmni]

I think sharing too much in general isn't very wise because it exposes a deeper more vulnerable portion of who we are to other people. There's a book about it but it relates more to dating, called Avoiding the Heart Break of Emotional Promiscuity.

So, you opened up to people and now you regret it. But I don't think it will actually be a problem again if you are aware of it. As for other people bringing it up, you could say things like "Actually I am over it now" or "I don't care about that anymore" and if they're being rude say "I'd rather not talk about it" or "It's none of your business."

Did you open up about this to friends or coworkers or acquaintances? If its coworkers or acquaintances that could be an issue. But if these people are your friends, just change the subject and say that you don't really care anymore. If they behave like friends then they'll let it go but if they exploit it then you might need to just stop communicating with them. Maybe you can use this experience to determine who has been a good friend and who hasn't.

 

[Shaan]

@jmni Weird. I think if it were a co worker or a stranger I would probably care less than I do now. I've shared it with really close friends who also share secrets with me but not in details as I did. They help me, support me, etc but at the same time I find it awkward to face them after all this. If I meet them everyday then it doesn't matter because the event would fade. But these friends I now talk to just occasionally since they've all moved on and away in life and we barely get to be with each other. Maybe that's why it's mattering this much. Because one of them misunderstood and the others know but are not so close to meet them daily. Anyway. I had pulled myself up out of these thoughts but they keep coming back to me. Sigh. When will the whirlpool of thoughts end. I think narrating it again and again in my brain to myself itself has gotten tiring let alone others. Tired! As much as I know I cannot change the past I fail to accept it. Even if you move on any close experience with a similar matter would trigger the same thoughts in your head and bring you back again. Getting rid of it is what would totally define freedom of my thoughts! Like just set them FREE!

 

[jmni]

@jmni As much as I know I cannot change the past I fail to accept it. Even if you move on any close experience with a similar matter would trigger the same thoughts in your head and bring you back again. Getting rid of it is what would totally define freedom of my thoughts! Like just set them FREE!

At one point I was really stuck on one extremely negative experience. It ironically caused me a lot of problems in the future even though it was over. It came to be that in some way it was all interconnected. I think that if you look at it, no matter how bad it was, as a singular experience, and not something that defines you or will affect your future, then your outlook will improve.

But, I think it would help you to talk about it. Talk about the people involved and what they were like and what you think of them then versus now and why you feel it has the power to spoil the future and your current life. The heart of it for me, was just changing my opinion of the people involved and what they were doing and how it affected me. You can be tricking into believing something has more of an effect on you than it actually does.

 

[Shaan]

@jmni There are two kinds of problems: one that I can share with my loved ones and one that I can share only with friends. The 2nd one is what bothers me. I fear if they come in front of people I love then it will create a problem for me. Thats why I feel I shouldn't have told them.

 

[jmni]

Do you think they'll do this maliciously or by accident?

 

[Shaan]

@jmni By accident. I met a friend who I told the story to 2 weeks back and she out of concern asked me "so you are still not eating right?" That itself was enough for me to start the thought cycle again.

Tomorrow I am going to meet another one of those friends. I am scared if she would bring the topic out. I know It would be more like "I hope you are not worried about it anymore" or "I am glad it does not bother you anymore" But that's enough to trigger my thoughts. It's more like I don't want myself or anyone else who knows about it to remember. And if I feel they do remember I feel like I remember. Its an infinite loop.

I just want all of us to forget about it. I don't want any one to be concerned about my problems 2 weeks back because its going to trigger me again. I told it to 2 more people and both of them came back asking me out of concern at a time when I had made peace with my brain.

 

[jmni]

One thing I've done for therapy homework was to write my negative belief and then to write statements that negate it until I feel differently.

 

[Shaan]

@jmni How can I negate someone coming back to me and reminding me things I don't want to remember? Or is it working on the thought itself so when people come back it doesn't hit me as hard as it does?
I don't like to write anymore.

 

[Shaan]

@jmni So I have this thing now. I got bombarded with all these thoughts in my head because I did not clear out some things in the past. For example, someone judged me wrongly and I didn't say anything because it really didn't matter to me then. Then we lost touch and after years he/she gets in touch and even though everything is normal in the conversation I think "Oh God, I should've cleared it because maybe he/she is still thinking the same about me". And that thought then digs in more and more and picks up all the bad memories and then I tend to create hypothetical situations in my head from those thoughts.

I am right now in a similar situation. I told my friend a secret of mine and it bothered me that she misinterpreted it in a very opposite way than the actual but I didn't clear it out. Now, it doesn't bother me that much that she has misinterpreted it and also I don't really care about clearing it out but I am wondering since we are not in constant touch and if she comes back after a few months is it going to trigger my thoughts that I should have cleared it? Should I clear it? It's a long time since I shared it with her.

 

[jmni]

@jmni How can I negate someone coming back to me and reminding me things I don't want to remember? Or is it working on the thought itself so when people come back it doesn't hit me as hard as it does?
I don't like to write anymore.

I'll use smoking as an example.

negative belief

If I can't smoke I will panic when I have a flashback/illusion.

negating this belief

Smoking is an addiction. I am addicted to nicotine.
Nicotine is not a prescription drug used for treatment of psychiatric or mental afflictions.
Nicotine is not treating my flashbacks/illusions/ptsd.
Nicotine actually has no affect on the flashbacks/illusions/ptsd.

The idea is we convince ourselves of things that are not necessarily true. I don't know what you're thinking. You said you don't want your family to find out about what you said to your friends. I guess you would write something like...
I'm afraid xxx will say something about ... in front of my mother.
If she finds out then ...
So what is the worst case scenario? If that happened, what is actually the worst thing that could happen. If that happened then what. You could develop some plans for dealing with that if it were to happen.

Now, it doesn't bother me that much that she has misinterpreted it and also I don't really care about clearing it out but I am wondering since we are not in constant touch and if she comes back after a few months is it going to trigger my thoughts that I should have cleared it? Should I clear it? It's a long time since I shared it with her.

That is all up to you. But from my pov you are already paranoid about this hypothetical encounter in the future, you are catastrophizing about her opinion of you, you are creating hypothetical scenarios in which you are doomed. There's a saying to the effect of, don't worry what people think of you because they only think of themselves. I don't think you should attempt to clear it because it would probably only make new scenarios for you to worry about. In reality you don't know what she thought of you, and this probably does not matter as much as you think it does at all. There is another saying "let go and let god..." Personally I can't stand this saying but we can't control everything and sometimes you have to let stuff go because you can't control it.

My advice would be for whatever issue, try to find ways to avoid it. You can't make people forget or not bring it up, but you don't have to contribute to it anymore. You can avoid these people, and if you see them just don't bring it up or provide new information.