Relationship The Silent Treatment?

[blue_eyes18]

I'm back. Sorry to have yet another post so soon. Just really struggling. Everyone's answers are like saving graces to me. They help so incredibly much, that it's hard not to come on here when I'm hurting and seek that out. No one else understands.

I guess my question is about how to give yourself adequate closure when the person you sought it from won't give it to you, and they just keep hurting you instead.

I was broken up with approaching three weeks ago, what was completely out of the blue, and I can't, for the life of me, understand why she ignores me like I don't exist or lashes out at me like she does. It hurts so badly. It's like she uses silence as a weapon to punish me. That's how it feels, at least.

She broke up with me stating she still loved me but couldn't be in a relationship because I was apparently hindering her healing, despite my going to counseling to learn to be supportive, my constant reading of books and articles, my time on this site, my constantly giving her as much space as she asked for, and my constant love and support. But she said she still needed to be alone. I was completely devistated and blind-sided. I attempted contacting her for the first few days to seek better understanding but she wouldn't even respond back at all. Just ignored me. I practically pleaded for her to at least help me understand so I wouldn't just sit and hurt so much. I got nothing. No response at all. That really hurt. It gave me no sense of closure and filled me with resentment. I was in complete shock and confused and she didn't seem to care. Not even one peep out of her in response to my pain. Just a break up phone call and a disappearing act after nearly two years together.

We finally spoke after I left her alone for two weeks. She admitted she was really struggling with the split (which shocked me because of how she ignored me) and said she really did want to be friends eventually, but I told her I needed proper closure in order to do that. She agreed to give it, but stated she wasn't quite ready yet (weeks later?) and needed more time. I reluctantly agreed, but when I asked for a simple time frame a few days later about possibly when it could be, for my emotional well-being of knowing a rough estimate (one week? Two? A month?), she lashed out on me and basically word for word told me that she didn't give a damn about my feelings because she is struggling too much herself in order to care about what I need and to leave her alone. I was appalled and hurt and called her on it and said that I get she is struggling, but it's not an excuse to trample me or belittle my feelings like that. She then shockingly apologized. I was expecting another lashing out. But I was really hurt after that. No one has ever flat out told me my feelings don't matter like that before. When I finally replied, I just admitted how much her response had hurt me, and that I just didn't want to get hurt anymore. She resorted back to lashing out at me, saying: "then stop getting hurt. Hope you have a wonderful life. Take care. By the way, I'm probably disconnecting this phone."

Once again, more shock since just a couple days before, she had sincerely apologized for her actions of lashing out!! ?? I attempted to contact her after this by calling her to speak as adults about it, and of course, she has resorted back to ignoring me again. I tried calling a couple times and she sent me to voicemail both times.

I feel like I'm being emotionally abused. The silence feels like a mechanism to hurt me and gain control over me. Because ignoring someone completely literally strips them of any ability to have any say so in anything. She says hurtful things to me and then blocks me out completely to where there's literally not a single thing I can do about it. It's stifling. Whatever feelings I have, and whatever hurt she's inflicted, she forces me to hold inside. And she won't allow me to reach her. Being ignored the way she ignores me is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. If we had only dated a month or two, I could get it. But we had talks of marriage, the whole nine yards.

I've never had anyone break up with me so seemingly heartlessly before. Never. How do I get my own closure since I clearly won't ever get the closure or respect I needed from her?

 

[Aching65]

@blue_eyes18 O man I really feel for you as I am experienced the exact same thing. After being together for 2 years, she one day woke up saying she likes me but is not in love with me anymore.

We have been struggling ever since and she has started therapy. Since then it is a continuous push-pull. She tells me I do not deserve her, she hates me, then when i want closure and try to get my stuff back, it is big drama. She lost trust etc.... Then she comes back, just to leave again being triggered by my ex wife bringing some books for my son. She claims she is angered and stressed because the ex wife knows our story etc...

Now she is gone again, asking for some space and some time... Extremely upsetting. After 4 days of total silence i could not stand it anymore i texted her to say hello, and we exchanged a couple of texts. And this afternoon, I saw her in a shop in town, and she wants to go cycling together sometime this week. But since then it is silence again. Very disturbing and hurtful. I am just total confused as, like you, I am doing every single thing I can to support her even if sometimes i make mistakes...

Good luck man. I will probably see you around as i just does not want to give up on that girl, she is so special))))

 

[nursenurse]

There is no closure needed. She told you exactly what she wanted, needed, and was going to do. Yet you prodded on and on. I am really sorry that you are hurting, but this is more than PTSD.
Why wasn't it enough? Because my friend, she was not in love with you the same as you are in love with her. You are not a bad person, there is nothing that you really did wrong, except maybe beat a dead horse. Dust yourself off, grieve for however long it takes, ignore any of her calls from here on in. You deserve better. Repeat that to yourself over and over. Time will heal, I promise.

 

[Aching65]

@nursenurse. looks like this is addressed to both of us.....

 

[nursenurse]

Maybe....

 

[Aching65]

@nursenurse she is talking to me again though. But I really have to give her the cold shoulder to get her more involved... I know that I am just trying to do too much ....... They say that sometime love is leaving her. But it just is so unfair..... I have already been trough so much in my life (((((

 

[nursenurse]

How does one fish, a big one? You let them out and reel them in, over and over until they are tired and broken. You and Blue are the fish. And neither of you deserves it, but it won't change until both of you as supporters, hit your own rock bottom, or decide before then that enough is enough. I can come up with every thing under the sun, but until you decide your own self worth, and start believing in yourselves, you are going to do nothing but marinate in this rut. Is that truly what either of you wants for yourselves?

There is a great big world out there and people to meet. Love does not conquer all, and both of you will have met the true loves who despite themselves and their problems, seek out the best in you, bring out the best in you. Neither of you has that, and it is possible in a PTSD relationship. Just maybe not in these ones.

Blue, I think you need to move on. Achy, I think that you may not be suited to a PTSD relationship, and that does not make you a horrible person, just human. For her sake and yours, you may need to move on as well. At the very least, stop letting yourself be walked on, define your boundaries, and stick with them.

Off the soap box now, guys, honestly, I feel for you both. And grieve for love lost.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thanks nursenurse. It's really difficult because I never felt it was a lack of love. We both seemingly loved each other very much and had an extremely healthy relationship despite the PTSD. We never fought, and we both had so much fun together. In fact, we had just gone out of town together the week before and had an amazing time. Which is why I didn't understand and why I sought better closure. I never saw it coming.

This isn't the first time she's broken up with me. The other times were both on a whim and really shocked me. They came when I least expected it and we seemed happiest. And I fought for us at those times to get back together. I would fight for us and she would want to come back and admit she loved me so much but that it was PTSD that kept causing her to leave me. That outside stressors in her life would make her feel overwhelmed and she would feel like she was being suffocated. So she would push me away. Then she would regret it after some of the stress would subside and she would realize how much she missed me and loved me.

I let this happen a few times. I let it slide because I thought she was working on it and if I was patient, eventually it wouldn't happen anymore. That eventually she would stop shoving me out of her life. I finally felt secure in us and BOOM. It happened again when I least expected it.

I know I need to set my boundaries. That's something in struggled a lot with. I loved her so much, I forgave things I shouldn't have. And tolerated things I never normally would have.

I miss her unbelievably. The thing that hurts the most is the lack of closure and not being able to do anything about it. I can't make her contact me. And I certainly can't contact her.

I gave her space like she had asked for. But why should it always be only about her and what she needs? What about what I need also? Can't there and shouldn't there be a compromise? That's why after weeks of no closure and being confused, I asked for a simple time frame. Didn't seem much to ask.

I hate that I miss her. I hate that I care. I wish I didn't.

 

[Tinyflame]

@blue_eyes18 , I can only echo @nursenurse don't look for closure. If you don't want to go through this any more that is your closure.

I think both people have to make the relationship a priority. Whether it be families or dating or anything else each person's desire for the relationship, capacity for it, value put on it & the other person, & willingness to work for it &/or sacrifice & care for the other person &their feelings can be different.

I'm sorry you feel so lousy. :( Hugs.

 

[Go Hungry]

Dude, run. Seriously.. just run and don't look back. Total disconnect. Don't text her, don't answer her calls, don't offer or accept to go anywhere with her. If you do, all is lost. I know this sounds ridiculous, particularly with the way you must be feeling, but just walk away completely. The reason is that you will -never- gain closure if you keep trying to interact with her. She may not even realize that she is fishing you like @nursenurse said, but that is what's happening.

The more time you put into thinking about it or trying to find closure or, worst of all, meaning in it; that's all just going to hurt you more. And it's going to give her power over you. I'm not saying she's a super-villain or anything, but just that you can't control your own life if you give such power to someone else. Obeying is not the same as Loving. I say this from terrible experience. She wants to be alone. Give her what she wants.

And not in a "I'll show her!" way.. Just do it because you really shouldn't be spending your time and energy worrying about someone who doesn't want to be around you. Right now disconnecting the phone line is the best thing that could happen to you.. Just find some friends to hang out with if you can.. Try and stay busy, doing things that engage you and take up all of your attention.. Try and take steps so that you don't have the spare time or energy to think about her at all. Get her out of your mind, and it'll be much easier on you in the long term. Again, I say this from terrible experience. The truth is that the only person on the planet who can give you that feeling of closure is YOU, not her.

Oh, and one last thing. She will call. Right about the time that you're really starting to feel like you're over her, she's going to call, or try to contact you in some way. It always happens. Refuse that contact. Don't do it 'for old times sake' nor for 'we can still be friends' sentiment or anything. Just keep yourself away. :hug:

 

[blue_eyes18]

Go hungry, that's great advice. In a way, I feel like this is a game to her. Not saying it is, but somehow it feels like it. It feels like she's intentionally torturing me. Whether that's true or not, I can't say. I hope it's not. But the way she has gone about this whole thing just has seemed so cruel and that she always has to have the upper hand in everything. When all I respectfully sought out was closure. Legitimate closure. Not to beg or attempt to reconcile. But CLOSURE. And I asked and went about it very fairly.

And you're so right that in the times in the past, the moment I gave up and disappeared, is when she always came crawling back. I just don't understand it. When we are together, things are great and healthy. But when we have broken up, it feels like she intentionally puts me through the ringer. Like she tries to hurt me.

Why would she behave like this? Why this dynamic?

 

[silkleaves]

To play devils advocate.... you need her for closure, while it seems she needs space for closure. Cant do both at one time, so in a way you are asking her not to do what she needs so that you can have what you need... while she is refusing you your need so that she can have what she needs.

Both of you are being selfish...and I dont mean that in a negative way. Just that you both are looking out for self preservation, and want the other to put aside thier needs so you can have what is best for you own selves.

The thing though is, she has been upfront in breaking things off and letting you know she needs space. And if she were to keep talking to you, no matter what is said, youvwould need to hear more for there to be closure...because in your heart, you still love and want to be with her. You say closure but actually want reconciliation... so no matter what, one convo will always lead to the need for another convo.

When my ex broke up with me, I went through a phase of needing closure, answers, no matter whatvhe said I always felt like there was more he needed to say to make me feel better.

Then I came to and realized I needed space to be able to get over it, create my own closure. But he wouldnt let me...he kept contacting me as if nothing was different.. striaght from making plans to marry to being his "buddy" or whatever. Jusr wheb I would be having a half decent day, he would send me a text, and it would make me so angry that id lash out and say some pretty mean things. It just didnt feel fair, I was upfront that I needed space, and I felt like he didnt think I deserved it and should suffer with no chance to process what has happened. I asked, begged, cried for him to just leave me alone for awhile and I will get in touch. I never wanted to not have him in my life, I just needed time.

But yeah, he just kept pushing until I decided the only way to get a second to myself was to block him from everything in my life. I unblocked him after a year, but the amount of pain he caused me was so much that we will never have a friendly relationship. The only ex of mine I have cut out of my life.

Had he given me time, instead of making me feel like my needs wernt important and I should just do what he wants, im guessing after a couple months, I would have sortes through me feelings and been able to talk to him. Instead he pushed me so far that I snapped, and I really dont care to talk to or see him again.

So yeah, if she needs time and you genuinely do want to be able to discuss things with her, realize that her needs are important to. Trust that she will come around and talk with you once she is able to. And in the meantime, do what you can to move forward without depending on her to say the magic words thatvwould bring you closure... otherwise, yeah, you will just keep pushing her away and nevermind closure, she may decide she doesnt want you in her life at all. Which would suck.

(Sorry for mass mispellings...posting from my phone and auto correct is the devil lol!)