Sufferer Deeply Disturbed, But Looking For Help

[purgemeofthepain]

Hi everyone,

I want to introduce myself and talk about what brought me here. I'm James and I'm from Ecuador. I'm 36 years old and it seems trauma and it's effects have been the mainstay during my whole life. I have Schizophrenia (or Schizoaffective disorder, as my doctor puts it, since he says I'm not fully delusional, but I disagree) and I have been a recluse in my own home for almost 15 years. (I live with my parents and work from home...thank God for the internet!).

I am a rape survivor and I suffered all kinds of abuse (physical, psycho-emotional and I suspect sexual too) and neglect in my childhood, as well as many other awful events and experiences peppered throughout my life. Car crashes, a car hijacking, my sister's suicide attempt, near death experiences while high on drugs, beatings. You name it, I've been through it.

The thing that keeps me from living a normal life tho, is mainly the fact that I extremely and severely dissociate from everything that goes on around me. I've lost touch with reality and I don't know how to be ME anymore. Hell I can't even BREATHE correctly. I zone out and the absent and stupid look that I get when I feel even the slightest amount of pain in my body or environmental stress, added to the huge tension I have in my muscles (which makes me twisted and weird), is what gets me A LOT of negative attention from others when I go out in public, and this is why I don't get out of the house, unless I absolutely HAVE to. I feel persecuted and everyone mocks me, laughs and me and I can see the disgust and hate in their faces and the way they treat me.

I've taken meds for the whole time I've been sick, but nothing has helped much. I have realized the meds were way too high, keeping me too numb and my body too "dead", so I never fully let my past trauma surface, keeping it buried, eating away at me and making me act in awful ways. I can't feel my body almost at all. But I'm slowly finding ways (through Yoga mainly) to becoming more at ease in my own skin and I'm slowly "growing" (at 36!) into a more balanced and whole person.

I didn't even remember well the experience of being raped (which is the main traumatic event in my life) until recently (I still can't or won't see it clearly), cause I was drunk when it happened and also cause I subconsciously buried it deep down for years. So this made the damage more profound and lasting.

But yeah, this post is long enough! I better wrap it up.

I hope all of you out there find some peace and joy and that we are all able to heal and move on to better days. If I can be of any help to anyone here, I'd be happy to lend a friendly ear.

I know this forum will be a tremendous help for me in my recovery. Thanks for everything.

James

 

[pamcoco]

I am sorry for all you have been through and go through. I relate to much of what you are saying. I had severe dissociative amnesia from about Jan 2010 until late 2013 and still suffer time loss when triggered. It is a confusing and frightening phenomenon, but you are not alone.

I have no particular words of wisdom or ointments for your many wounds. But I can say that it has taken me years to realize I cannot heal around those that trigger, criticize, judge, abuse or harm me. I moved 400 miles from everyone I know. I am thinking I am not going to stay here but know I must maintain distance, so I am likely moving to Georgia an additional 1800 miles away.

Protect yourself, refuse to accept bad treatment, create a buffer between you and them, so you can find YOU once more... maybe not once more, maybe anew.

Welcome and keep communicating!

 

[KwanYingirl]

It certainly sounds like you have the courage and intellect to heal from your abuses. Treatment for PTSD takes a long time because, well, you just can't rush it. I hope you have a therapist and psychiatrist who are knowledgable about PTSD and it's affect on the brain body and soul. Your brain won't go where your body won't let it. Be brave and welcome.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

I had severe dissociative amnesia from about Jan 2010 until late 2013 and still suffer time loss when triggered. It is a confusing and frightening phenomenon, but you are not alone.

I'm sorry to hear you've suffered so much. I think I dissociate continuously, but I come "in and out" of reality in different intervals and I don't think I'm ever FULLY gone, as there seems to be a tiny part of me that is able to see what happens and what "I" do at least after the fact. I'd be really scared if I had complete time loss like you and I can't imagine how hard it has to be to experience something like that. The only times I blacked out completely were obviously those many, many times I used to drink myself to oblivion, but that's to be expected.

I can say that it has taken me years to realize I cannot heal around those that trigger, criticize, judge, abuse or harm me. I moved 400 miles from everyone I know.

I'm always impressed with people who are as independent and self-sufficient as you even in the face of such hardship. In my case, I depend completely on my parents, since I only just started working about two years ago (before that, I was just stuck in a haze of depression, self-hatred and much more) and I'm only payed minimum wage. I can't be financially independent with my current job at all, so I'm stuck here. But trust me, I DO feel the need to change my surroundings and put some distance between me and my environment and family. To be honest tho, they are not really part of the people who make my life hell. Usually it's strangers, but I seem to get laughter even from my family sometimes, cause apparently what I do on a daily basis (how I move, act and do everything) is SO ridiculous.

Something very important I should mention, is that everyone thinks it's just my schizophrenia and my delusions at play when I say that everyone hates me, judges me and mocks me. Everyone (mostly family) keeps telling me "no, you're doing everything normally", "no, we don't see anything weird or strange or even funny in you!" and I know it's a lie. But yeah, it's just complicated and strange.

Protect yourself, refuse to accept bad treatment, create a buffer between you and them, so you can find YOU once more... maybe not once more, maybe anew.

Thanks a lot for the support and kindness. I DO get the feeling that I've NEVER known who I am, not even now at nearly 40 yrs of age, so finding myself again won't work or be a good thing too strive for. What I need is to slowly UNEARTH the true me from all the lies I've told others and myself, from all the sickness, from all the pain. I need to dig deep and find my true essence.

It certainly sounds like you have the courage and intellect to heal from your abuses. Treatment for PTSD takes a long time because, well, you just can't rush it. I hope you have a therapist and psychiatrist who are knowledgeable about PTSD and it's affect on the brain body and soul. Your brain won't go where your body won't let it. Be brave and welcome.

Thanks for the response and support. I am only now encouraging my doctor (psychiatrist) to consider more seriously the possibility that my MAIN issue is PTSD and I'm doing my part by doing a lot of research and reading on the topic. I also recently disclosed my secret of being raped, to my family and two close friends. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I can feel the change slowly starting to happen, in the form of less dissociation, less shame, less guilt, etc.

I am in the process of looking for a CBT therapist too and I hope it'll help when I find him/her. It might be hard for the therapy to be effective tho, cause I can only afford ONE session a week. :-(

I'm also just starting to learn how to get in touch with my own body and it feels like it's only now starting to wake up from a deep deep slumber. I guess the Yoga I've been doing has helped a lot.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Hey, since being in Ecuador, I dissociate much less, since it is so much more healthy than in the states. And the people are healthier and kinder. One thing I love is getting on these cheap intercity buses, and going to these surrounding towns, to the mercados and cathedrals, and greeting all people who make eye contact.."buenas". I find that the beauty of the trips, and communicating with working joes in the markets really is hugely therapeutic for dissociation. real humble people, and beauty, for almost free.

What do you think? Works wonders for me.

 

[pamcoco]

Thank you, purgemeofthepain, for your kindness in response.

I used to do a lot of drugs as a teenager and dissociative amnesia is the biggest trip thus far. But I am never sorry for what has happened, I have gained more than I lost, absolutely. And most importantly I have compassion that is visceral in all moments. I pity those that have no idea what true compassion feels like, I was them.

I also understand economic deprivation, it seems being checked out and a whirlwind of emotions doesn't help on the job front ;-)

The time loss of those years, also the result of sexual assaults, caused me to wake up penniless compared to my 6 figure income, with no idea what year it was, how old I was, and all around clueless about where my very defined previous self was buried. Finished with the fruitless search for her, especially in others eyes, I now know she is gone forever.

But who am I, if I am not her?

This is where the joy lies in the debris. Everyone thinks I am CrZzAzY and therefore I no longer have to play by any of their rules. This aspect is amazing and the most freedom I have ever felt.

I am paying the price as an outcast, so I now love earning it. Birthday cards, christmas presents, those tortuous family gatherings, small talk, accountability?

I say, "Huh? I didn't quite catch that."

I have always been the good person, the responsible one, the socially adjusted, achiever. But when no one came, not one person, in the wake of multiple assaults and serious disease, I had to wonder why I had gone to all the trouble.

Don't know if what I am saying makes sense, I am trying to make a parallel and am not sure it is a very clear one. But, there is nothing better than being a bottom dweller in many respects. Since there is nothing left to lose, or any residual fear of the jolt on impact at rock bottom, I have been handed through the guise of horror, a hall pass for the rest of my life.

Stay strong. I find you to be extremely clear headed and reasonable. Downright sane!

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Hey, since being in Ecuador, I dissociate much less, since it is so much more healthy than in the states. And the people are healthier and kinder. One thing I love is getting on these cheap intercity buses, and going to these surrounding towns, to the mercados and cathedrals, and greeting all people who make eye contact.."buenas". I find that the beauty of the trips, and communicating with working joes in the markets really is hugely therapeutic for dissociation. real humble people, and beauty, for almost free.

What do you think? Works wonders for me.

I dunno, I'm the kind of person who isn't ever pleased with what I've got and I'm always wanting something different and apparently "better". This goes for my own country and its people as well. People might be kinder here in some ways, but there's still a LOT of racial prejudice, discrimination against minorities, crime, etc. I realize that usually visitors from other countries get seduced by or are just happy to see how everyone seems so polite and welcoming, saying "good afternoon" and "buenas" like you said, whenever they enter a new place, and they find it nice that we are indeed a more "warm" sort of people, but trust me, there's still a lot of intolerant and bigoted people here.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be gay or black or poor here for example. But I do agree with you in that the poor and humble people, seem to be much nicer and healthier than the upper and middle class.

Don't know if what I am saying makes sense, I am trying to make a parallel and am not sure it is a very clear one. But, there is nothing better than being a bottom dweller in many respects. Since there is nothing left to lose, or any residual fear of the jolt on impact at rock bottom, I have been handed through the guise of horror, a hall pass for the rest of my life.

I know what you mean about the benefits of living with the knowledge that you have nothing to lose, it makes sense. In my case, I'm so sheltered and unable to fend for myself, that it's the total opposite. I have MUCH to lose. I'm terrifed of the day when my parents pass away, cause like I said, they provide me with what I need to survive. I don't know how I'm gonna stay afloat once they're gone. I mean, I DO work, but as I mentioned, I earn minimum wage and that's nothing! Not only that but I also know I am not FIT mentally and emotionally to be completely alone and isolated from everyone.

So yes, I envy people like you. People who have what it takes to survive on their own and make their way through life as best as they can even in the face of so many terrible things thrown upon them. You are doing alright for yourself from what I hear and I wish I had SOME of your strength and courage. As of now, I'm an overgrown BABY. Not a man by any stretch.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Recognizing your limitations is the first step to minimize them. Do you collect disability? If so you qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation services through your state. They can help you identify environments that you feel comfortable in and advocate for you if you need accommodations to work.

 

[intothelight]

@purgemeofthepain Welcome to the forum!

You might want to take a look at some of the various types of therapies and see if there is something that you haven't been exposed to that might be helpful. I honestly do not know anything about the type of mental health services available where you live, but I hope that you find a therapist that will enable you to process the trauma and live more of your life in the present.

 

[pamcoco]

So yes, I envy people like you. People who have what it takes to survive on their own and make their way through life as best as they can even in the face of so many terrible things thrown upon them. You are doing alright for yourself from what I hear and I wish I had SOME of your strength and courage. As of now, I'm an overgrown BABY. Not a man by any stretch.

We all do what we know best serves us, I think. I hung on tooth and nail to those in my life until it was no longer an option so I feel it has little to do with strength and more to do with options. We all do the best with the options provided, in my opinion.