Back when things were at their height for husband who has diagnosed Complex PTSD, I would literally jump /had my heart racing with EVERY phone call wondering if it was either his psych doctor calling me to say he was suicidal/had just admitted him into the hospital for same or for detox off of scripts (again), or the police to say he was in an auto accident, etc. Likewise, the constant drama and inability to go out anywhere for fear he would snap with the smallest of infractions, by me, our son or innocent clerk, waiter, pedestrian, driver or other person made life hell.
In the beginning, all of my energy was spent working full time while going to school (almost on a full time schedule as well), juggling the mounting bills and medical, cleaning, tending to our young son, appeasing the beast (hubs) during his regular rants and then mighty lows/depressive episodes. At least twice a year I spent time whispering to doctors on the phone in a closet or basement area while hubs was going ballistic asking the doctor "what do I do now", or telling the doctor "I just cant handle this any longer".
I believe that all of these years of this drama as truly taken its long-term toll on me. Simply put, I truly believe that I too now have PTSD from long term walking on eggshells in my own home, not to mention separation from family and friends (hmmm, none of those left) atop of a lack luster sex life (hmmm, whats that?), which leaves me, most times, feeling like I am little more than a mule in this relationship. I now even recognize that I myself have demonstrative hyper vigilance in the car when hubs is driving (NO such issues when I am driving/in control mind you), from all that I've been through with him.
Our financial situation is grim given all of his many YEARS of missed work and lack of any time off/vacations, coupled with paying thousands a month in medical related costs (self paid medical, lost our company sponsored medical when hubs had to stop working), such that we are losing our home, which no doubt multiplies the stress and pressure on me as the only one working.
Now, I did mention that "back when things were at their height", which denotes that there has been some substantive improvement in his condition as he does regularly attend counseling. Thus, I do hope that gives some hope that it is possible to make improvement given a PTSD patient's conviction to attending without being pushed to do so. However, his case is diagnosed as "complex", given many unrelated traumas over the course of decades which were left unrealized or treated, so I am not fooling myself that this is all over/behind us, nor that he won't regress at some point. But for now, it is the sliver of progress I need to keep myself from literally giving up on our long term marriage.
Whether or not the marriage could survive a major regression, I honestly could not say. But, what I will say is that this gal is beyond TIRED (both physically and emotionally), and my heart broken many times over when assessing the deterioration of our relationship and change in my spouse (Jeckle and Hyde). Sin of it is, all of this psychological damage was caused through no fault of his own (injuries at the hands of others, some accidentally, some quite purposefully/with malice). Those people get to go on with their lives, unaffected, while we suffer on many fronts. That is probably one of the hardest things of all to swallow in this whole sordid mess.
In the beginning, all of my energy was spent working full time while going to school (almost on a full time schedule as well), juggling the mounting bills and medical, cleaning, tending to our young son, appeasing the beast (hubs) during his regular rants and then mighty lows/depressive episodes. At least twice a year I spent time whispering to doctors on the phone in a closet or basement area while hubs was going ballistic asking the doctor "what do I do now", or telling the doctor "I just cant handle this any longer".
I believe that all of these years of this drama as truly taken its long-term toll on me. Simply put, I truly believe that I too now have PTSD from long term walking on eggshells in my own home, not to mention separation from family and friends (hmmm, none of those left) atop of a lack luster sex life (hmmm, whats that?), which leaves me, most times, feeling like I am little more than a mule in this relationship. I now even recognize that I myself have demonstrative hyper vigilance in the car when hubs is driving (NO such issues when I am driving/in control mind you), from all that I've been through with him.
Our financial situation is grim given all of his many YEARS of missed work and lack of any time off/vacations, coupled with paying thousands a month in medical related costs (self paid medical, lost our company sponsored medical when hubs had to stop working), such that we are losing our home, which no doubt multiplies the stress and pressure on me as the only one working.
Now, I did mention that "back when things were at their height", which denotes that there has been some substantive improvement in his condition as he does regularly attend counseling. Thus, I do hope that gives some hope that it is possible to make improvement given a PTSD patient's conviction to attending without being pushed to do so. However, his case is diagnosed as "complex", given many unrelated traumas over the course of decades which were left unrealized or treated, so I am not fooling myself that this is all over/behind us, nor that he won't regress at some point. But for now, it is the sliver of progress I need to keep myself from literally giving up on our long term marriage.
Whether or not the marriage could survive a major regression, I honestly could not say. But, what I will say is that this gal is beyond TIRED (both physically and emotionally), and my heart broken many times over when assessing the deterioration of our relationship and change in my spouse (Jeckle and Hyde). Sin of it is, all of this psychological damage was caused through no fault of his own (injuries at the hands of others, some accidentally, some quite purposefully/with malice). Those people get to go on with their lives, unaffected, while we suffer on many fronts. That is probably one of the hardest things of all to swallow in this whole sordid mess.
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