Reported My Therapist

[City Slicker]

When I was 14 years old I was admitted to an adolescent inpatient psychiatric unit. I had a sexual relationship with my therapist. I was so young and stupid I thought I was somehow chosen or special because she picked me. I came from a horribly abusive family and had no idea how to get out of the family - they relied on me and I knew if I stayed there I would likely die. She represented a chance for me to have a new life, abandon my old life and try to save myself - get things like love, food, clothing, things I didn't get in my family.

I realize the damage she did was profound and that it was not my fault that I made a choice to try to survive and grabbed what was offered.

Decades later and with her out of my life, for years I tried to forget about what happened and finally decided to try therapy again with a brand new therapist.

I should have never returned when after I asked the new therapist in the very first session how I should pay her she replied, 'just leave the money on the nightstand on your way out.'. I realize she was joking, probably nervous, young and inexperienced. She didn't know about my history. What followed were months of fractured communication, therapy really wasn't about me, she always seemed to find a way to make it about what she expected from me, she changed the rules of therapy, she was frequently late, minimizing, and her lack of grounding made me feel scared all the time. I tried to trust her but I couldn't. I liked her, I liked her sense of humour and intelligence. But I realized I stayed with her for the very same reason all these years later as I did with the therapist that sexually abused me. This new one made me feel special. Therapy for all the wrong reasons even after all this time and all the things I know about what not to do.

So I terminated therapy with her.
And then I called the licensing body of the therapist that sexually abused me those many years ago and reported her.

I think all along I was waiting for someone to help me. I didn't realize I would end up rescuing myself. I thank this recent therapist for being willing to work with me and for having terrible boundaries because had it not been for her, I wouldn't have rescued myself, wouldn't have had a 'corrective' experience with my own strengths and wouldn't have reported this old therapist.

 

[Seasounds]

What a triumphant story, and what a great heroine you have become for yourself! A tremendous corrective experience, indeed!. Congratulations! :happy:

(And it is inspiring, for me to consider, to the same.)

 

[City Slicker]

Thank you Change for your beautiful words.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Good for you, City Slicker!!!

I did want to gently point out a view "from the outside." As a child, you were incapable of "having a sexual relationship WITH" that woman. You were an at-risk minor child, emotionally, mentally, and physically groomed by a predator who had control and authority over you.

From my perspective, I see what she did is "a predatory therapist repeatedly sexually assaulted a helpless minor she was supposed to be protecting."

Hence, the language I would describe it wouldn't be "had a sexual relationship WITH" (implies consent, free will, ability to discern appropriateness, lawful, honest, between two fully consenting adults) but "abused by a sexual predator therapist."

No matter what you did during that, NONE of it is your fault. The blame rests solely, fully, on her.

 

[City Slicker]

Thank you BloomInWinter.

Wow, your post got the tears flowing when I least expected it - in a good way!

You are right - I hear what you are saying about consent vs. predator. I still hear in my words as you did that I feel somehow I had an 'equal say' for what happened with this old therapist.

It took a long time for me to even acknowledge that I was a 'victim' of anything because a 'victim' meant being shameful and powerless and I just couldn't deal with the idea that anyone would see me as an easy target. I would rather rage than admit that someone hurt me. But that meant giving up dealing with the reality that while I am a survivor, I was a baby once, and I was a victim of a predator. I never thought of her in that way before but that's what she was.

Reading your words, I am able to to acknowledge this to myself in a way I haven't before. I blamed myself for abandoning my younger brothers and sisters to a fate of abuse and poverty, a fate I, myself, was trying to escape all the while telling anyone that would listen that I would kill anyone that hurt them. In the end I couldn't live up to the responsibility. I crashed but crashing was preferable to facing the reality that I couldn't protect them. I was 14 years old raising them and I left them there. The guilt about leaving them is with me still to this day. And it's a heaviness that sometimes borders on debilitating.

I carry the scars from trying to 'escape' the home situation and now I am coming to terms with what happened with that therapist and the horrible effect it had on me and on the people that tried in their way to get close to me.

I am giving the responsibility back to her. She is still working in the field and it's been decades since I have seen her. But I want to see her face to face and let her know she didn't get away it.

Thank you for saying it wasn't my fault.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I am so glad you can get a glimpse from your adult self. This can help your child self feel validated, safe, and appreciated for being such an amazing, resilient person to survive such a horrific situation.

May your healing be profound and bring you many happy memories. You deserve it!

There is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse reporting. It is never too late to report her to the authorities and to the board of professional regulation, should you ever have a desire and feel it is safe for you to do so.

I helped a gal escape a predatory therapist at my university. They gave the therapist, a woman, a glowing recommendation and she was helped to launch a private practice on the east coast. I will never forget how that institution treated that victim. It's disgusting.

I'm sorry for all you have been through and glad you are now safe.

 

[City Slicker]

BloomInWinter - For those of us that have had this happen to them and have come out the other side reasonably functional, for all of us, I want to say 'thank you' for stepping up and helping the girl you mentioned. I believe that, in my own situation, the abuse was bad enough but the 'betrayal' from those, like the institution you mentioned, from those that should have stepped in to help can sometimes be worse than the abuse itself.

You stepped up and I can tell you from my experience, she will remember the kindness, the commitment you had to her wellbeing, how you stood up for her. The things you did for her will be things she will be able to utilize in her own healing. She might not even know the extent to which you fought for her but what she does know has the potential for incredible healing should she be in that place to need it.

Thank you again for reaching out to me on this. I so appreciated your words.

 

[Hashi]

I'm so glad you reported her. Full of admiration for you.

 

[City Slicker]

Thank you Hashi. I am waiting for a response.

A bit of detail on the process:
In Canada we are now allowed medical malpractice contingency lawsuits. This is fairly new where a lawyer can take a case like this on contingency. We never had this in Canada until recently. I say that because when I looked up her name and found her still registered, I read the complaints process and it was filled with forms and legal jargon asking for witnesses and all kinds of information. So I decided to contact a lawyer and ask how I should best complete the forms so that I did it right and presented all the facts.

The first lawyer told me on the phone that first I needed to submit a 'statement of claim' to him, then they would decide if they would take my 'case'. I asked him 'what case'? - My purpose is to stop her from practising. He replied that I would need to seek money and if I sought money, and if he thought the case viable, we would take it on contingency that there would be a financial payout.

I told him clearly I didn't want a financial payout, I wanted her to lose her license to practice. He said her insurer would 'vigourously' defend against a lawsuit and without asking for a monetary judgement there was no case. So I thanked him and called another lawyer, and then another and then another. Same response from all of them.

The last lawyer I called I asked him, 'what if I can pay thousands of dollars from my own pocket for your fees and I don't want a monetary judgement' - he said he would take my case but that the courts would not impose 'behavioural or moral' changes on her as that was out of their jurisdiction. And they might not even revoke her license.

Of course I can't afford to pay legal bills and so I went to the licensing body and wrote my story my own way and told them I wasn't using their forms to do this since their forms and their questions did not allow for 'victims' to document the events properly. I also stated that I appreciated they had a process but it was a daunting process that by its design precluded survivors from coming forward.

I told them if they truly were interested in identifying and removing perpetrators from their field they would accept my submission as offered and I would be willing to answer any questions they might have.

I received a note back saying they would accept my submission and were 'looking into it'. They didn't say what or when I would hear back so I guess that's maybe where a lawyer night have been helpful - but I don't want money. I want her be held accountable for what she has done and not just to me but chances are to others she may have done this to along the way.

I will wait a period of time and then contact them again if I hear nothing back.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow. I am SO proud of you! I think you are doing a great thing not only for yourself, but for other potential victims of hers. I can't help but think that you aren't the only one.

 

[City Slicker]

Hi Folks,
First my apologies for not posting sooner. Quick history, a short while ago I charged an old therapist with sexual assault/abuse.

My appointment with the investigators was scheduled for tomorrow. I spent the weekend and then today tense and trying not to focus on it, to do the things I enjoy and take care of the 'step by step' things.

This morning as I was leaving for errands I had a run-in with a neighbour that has been really nasty to me and my partner - we had had conflict in the past with them and today he informed me he was planning on building a structure that would end up partly on my property. As I began to ask him questions about this he became explosive and began swearing at me and calling me names. I was very proud of not engaging in it and remaining clam, however, my lawyer believes he is unstable and has worried about my safety here.

My partner and I have been having a fair degree of conflict as well so much so that I have felt very challenged in grounding myself while dealing with some hard truths about my relationship. I think it's a culmination of things that kind of all began to gel recently in realizing the patterns I picked in relationships - a lot having to do with the sexual abuse by this old therapist coupled with some bad, unresolved family dynamics. You know that scenario.

In late spring I terminated therapy abruptly (well, I guess abruptly to her but not to me as it was brewing for a while) and this was when I thought seriously about charging my old therapist with sexual abuse.

So back to the investigation - I received an email today from the investigators asking me if I could reschedule for a few days from now. Of course I immediately had feelings of shame and unworthiness, i.e., I had my boo hoo moment(s) and I don't think I am quite over them yet. It played into all the old recordings in my head about no-one ever going to be there - no-one will ever have my back and how stupid I was to ever believe it. How in the world I would expect these people to 'have my back' is ridiculous but more it was about the feeling of wanting to find justice and having it seem unimportant to those like it was way back then. I know any number of things could have come up - I totally get that so I am trying to keep busy and compose something back. Plus I had rearranged a bunch of work things so that I could attend the first available time they had. Now I need to redo all that.

I charged my old therapist without telling family or friends. My partner doesn't know - it's always felt like something i have needed to do on my own. While it's not I think my partner won't understand, I just don't think I could stand misunderstanding or mishandling of things while I am feeling so vulnerable. My partner has an extremely difficult time when I have been feeling vulnerable and seems to become angry which borders on emotionally abusive when I have ever been feeling vulnerable. Just another one of those painful truths I am facing in my life right now but one that I need to deal with. And I am. (sad though)

Thank you for reading. I am preparing a response to the investigators and will probably and politely take whatever day they have available to take my statement.

Hang in there everyone - tomorrow when we all wake up, there will be amazing things to discover.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Your last line says it all and it's a HUGE TRUTH!!! Good luck...stick to your plans...and be proud that you are standing your ground!