Getting People Out Of Your Head.

[CraftyCath]

I have made real progress over the past year or two but there is one thing that still drags me down.

People from my past (and one family member from the present who treats me strangely). They still seem to live in my head, I think about them - what I would say to them if I saw them again. I day dream about getting my own back - setting them straight. No violent thoughts, just vindication.

Does anyone else do this, is it normal? It surely isn't healthy!

I have heard it said that this is like letting people live rent free in your head but I don't know how to stop it. I am very caring and giving by nature and all these people (3 in total) are people who have walked over me and used me. I don't think about my abusers very much at all, these people are more recent. I feel let down by them and disappointed by their behaviour which was accusatory and extreme.

My biggest trigger is false accusation so thinking about these people is triggering me all over again but I can't seem to stop it, to let go.

So how DO I let go?

Any ideas would be most welcome.

 

[Philippa]

I would love to know myself. Everyone else makes it sound so easy.

One woman I know puts up energetic shields where she has her family members names and images on the outside of the shield. She used to get attacked by her father a lot in her dreams and this has apparently worked for her. I tried it, and the dialogue definitely lessened, but I still do think about them, what I'd say if I ran into my brother in the street, or my father...I get senses that my father has followed me and knows where I live, or has hired a private investigator...none of which I know for sure is true. It's a terrible waste of time and energy.

 

[CraftyCath]

It sure is Philippa - totally exhausting. I just want to stop it. I guess this is going to take some strength of mind, strength that I do not have right now.

 

[Friday]

I also like "The itty bitty shitty committee"!

What it tells me, when it happens to me, is that I either
- Still care about what they think or
- I feel very strongly about their continued existence

2) The second one is pretty easy to deal with... As I'm not willing to kill most people. 99% of the people in this list all I have to ask myself is if I'm willing to kill them? No? Okay, then. Moving on. Sometimes literally. I move. So that person in no way affects my daily life. Other times the chance of my having to interact with them is nil, and I stay put. Part of what is process does, though, is makes a person dead to me. They no longer exist. They are completely cut out of my life.

1) The first one? That's hard. If I actually care what a person thinks about me, enough so that I'm heeding and reacting emotionally to my own imagination? That takes work. I don't have an easy fix, like I do if I'm wishing someone dead. Especially if I actually care (and want to care) about what they think of me. If I "shouldn't" (aka don't want to) care? Here are some things from an imperfect list:

One thing that I do do in that very complex process is an ADHD trick:
- Can't control the first thought.
- Can control the second.
Meaning that I can't control "You blah blah blah blah" that pops into my mind.
I can, however, choose what to think next. Such as "No, actually. I don't."

A 1000 crazy impulses leap to mind every single day. Most of ADHD impulse control is learnt to insert "And I'm not going to do that!" Before being mid flight, after wondering if I can jump 10 stairs down to the landing? Or "Ill use something cheap to test that" as I'm wondering if crystal makes music when it breaks in water, instead of the antique crystal in my hands staring at a puddle.

Learning to argue with negative self talk is somewhat easier than learning not to flush my shoe. (Seriously. Dropping things into moving water to watch them disappear is still kind of a hard thing to do. I'm constantly dropping pennies in wishing wells, and sticks/berries/paper boats into rivers. Clearly, I've developed better special awareness now than when I was 8. A shoe would never fit. Ballet slipper, maybe.). Learning to dismiss it altogether is somewhat harder. I don't know why it's harder to learn not to argue with imaginary people than it is to learn to argue with them.

 

[Underdog]

Just dealt with this very same issue myself this week. Still reeling from the emotional fallout. Two friends completely disappeared from my life and it haunted me as much as the memories of the trauma I had been enduring. I wanted to hurt them in some way and constantly envisioned ways of getting even.

Two years have passed since they disappeared and I still found it haunting me. I was in a very peaceful bliss state last week when I started to ask myself why it still haunts me. Anything negative or old emotions I was able to put aside and walked myself through what needed to be done/said. I realized that for me I needed to apologize for anything I might have done to hurt or upset them, followed with an explanation of what had been happening to me. I fought with myself wondering if I was making the correct choice to even speak to them again. After all, they had disappeared when I really needed them the most. Those aren't the friends I really need nor desire to have.

Long story short, they revealed why they withdrew. They thought I was on drugs and were witnessing me change and become someone I wasn't. They couldn't explain it and it scared them away. After explaining themselves, they offered to come back into my life again. Obviously, I had a reaction to that and put them at arms length immediately. I just said that there was a lot of emotion and anger still, we would just have to see how it all plays out. Although I am better, I still don't know my triggers and can't stop myself at times. They said they understood and I walked away.

For me, it was a huge release. I'm eternally grateful I finally have an explanation and I can't blame them for that. Yet, I also know that I must move on from them. I mended the bridge, but politely walked away and in some sense said "goodbye."

 

[marylouise]

I created a ritual in which I burned my abuser's photo and threw the ashes into the river and watched them float away. It was remarkably successful. I let go of our relationship through it years ago. I wonder if I need to do that with some others in the present.

 

[Philippa]

I think I like your idea marylouise, though I think it would probably be easier for me if I didn't hold onto physical things my family gave me which I see every day...like a persian rug, and a wind chimer, and a cookbook my mother made for me with photos of us as kids all over the front and back of the cover. These things I am having a hard time detaching from I guess. But otherwise, I think photos is doable. I found a whole bunch of them before when I was clearing out stuff that had been stuffed in the corner for the last 2 years. It felt really good to clear that corner, like I'd released something that had been trapped. They are photos of us as kids, and I haven't allowed myself to look at them yet...it was a bit too threatening to upset me. I still do love my brothers quite a lot, even though they took my parents side and I feel hated and that I am the one who doesn't exist to them anymore.

 

[marylouise]

@Phillippa, I think you can create whatever ritual is meaningful to you. I included a photo and a letter, but the ritual would have been just as effective, I think, with just a letter. I really resonated with the (small) fire and sending the burning letter and photo down the river. That is what I would use now. I think I may do this at some point, actually. There are some people who inhabit my head as well, people who hurt me years ago who I still think about, only one of whom is still in my life in any capacity.

 

[CraftyCath]

Thank you everyone for your replies, you have given me lots to think about.

I like @FridayJones Idea of questioning/arguing with my thoughts and @marylouise idea of a ritual. I don't think this is going to be easy, I still care a great deal about the people who hurt me - I have no hatred at all, anger yes, but not hatred and I care far too much about them as people. I don't give too hoots what they think of me but I hate unresolved conflict.

I have tried to meet them halfway and they refuse so it feels like they have a hold over me, like they have power over me still. I wish I didn't care about them at all.

 

[Friday]

If you've tried to meet them, and they won't... Part of that is psychological (yeah, I get the irony). Because you left the ball in their court. So it's waiting, waiting, waiting. Because "they" have the ball.

Take the ball back. Either in your own mind, or literally (offer is now off the table). It's no longer on them to meet you, or to say yes/no. Don't be waiting out in the middle indefinitely. Negotiations are over. You tried to resolve things, ball in their court, they won't meet you, okay. And we're done. I have the ball now.

 

[CraftyCath]

I think the people involved are very messed up in the head and even if they apologised for what they did to me I am not foolish enough to take them back into my life. I have learnt not to cast my pearls before swine so to speak.

I had not thought about taking the ball back Fridayjones so thanks for that. I'm not sure how to do that even as it is purely psychological but I will try.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

My biggest trigger is false accusation so thinking about these people is triggering me all over again but I can't seem to stop it, to let go.

I still care a great deal about the people who hurt me - I have no hatred at all, anger yes, but not hatred and I care far too much about them as people.

I have tried to meet them halfway and they refuse so it feels like they have a hold over me, like they have power over me still. I wish I didn't care about them at all.

Wow, oh wow! I am in this same spot and these words could have come straight from my brain to these pages. Uhg, they are living rent free in my head as well, and I don't know how to give an eviction notice and enforce it. I wonder if, because I still care about them as people, I am unwilling/unable to give up the small amount of hope that they will "come to their senses" and realize the absurdity and pain the false accusations have caused.

you left the ball in their court. So it's waiting, waiting, waiting. Because "they" have the ball.

And the power (real or imaginary) that it allows them. Maybe I am fooling myself and prolonging the pain, but I keep thinking people are not disposable, and friendships are worth trying to save. If that is only my belief, and they don't value people and relationships as I do, then I am only prolonging the pain.

Loving and caring for those that don't return it, is that co-dependency?

Cath, my heart goes out to you. I have no answers, but compassion and empathy! Hang in there!