Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse Memories?

[Hope4Now]

I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for in this thread. I was diagnosed with PTSD in the winter of this year. Have been in trauma therapy since October when someone suggested I seek psychological help for a disabling chronic pain issue that hit me about two years ago. My therapist mentioned recently that I probably have what's called a conversion disorder (and probably qualify for some other labels too). The therapy I'm doing is highly recommended for trauma survivors (somatically based), and I have developed a really good and trusting relationship with my therapist.

I know and have accepted now that I had a traumatic childhood from birth on. I was in an orphanage for 3 months or so, then adopted by parents who although they loved and cared for me had/have many of their own issues...alcoholism, anxiety, depression, anger, etc. Given all I've learned in the past 9 months, they also both had issues with narcissism. I remember a lot of traumatic stuff related to all these things...more and more memories have emerged--not that they were ever lost really, just that I'd kind of put them aside in an effort to build my life (I am now middle-aged). I've also had a lot of other trauma throughout my life...probably so traumatic because I was already traumatized.

The reason I'm posting on this area of the forum is that a lot of my emerging symptoms seem to indicate that I was sexually abused by both of my parents. But I have no traditional memory of this. What's happened is that over the past 9 months I've had "body memories" that started with just random and involuntary body movements but have articulated into clearly desperately defensive movements that are now starting to link with some emotions, new kinds of pain, very shadowy visual memories, and occasional "voices" that seem to come from my childhood self and say things that indicate sexual abuse. At the same time, though, parts of me insist that I am making all this up--that it cannot possibly be true. When I have these flashback kinds of experiences, I am not totally myself, but part of me is there so I remember them. I just can't control them very well.

I guess what I'd like to know is whether anyone out there has been through or is going through a similar process? I've been on the forum for a while now, and I know a few people who have shared shattering experiences of suddenly recovered memories. I have not had this experience. Mine is painfully slow, and I seem to be fighting it every step of the way. I'd be grateful for any experiences or suggestions anyone is willing to share. Thanks.

 

[bluebird]

I have recovered some memories of being abused. Sometimes it just hit me in one moment, but other times it took a bit longer... for example, I started to gag from time to time, without any sign of memory. One month later, a tiny piece of a memory appeared, more like a short flash of fear. And I think it took almost two months till I remembered.

Just like you, I kept saying to myself that it was a lie, that I was making it all up... I refused to believe this could be true. I didn't want it to be true. I mean, who would? These memories are far from being easily accepted. It is natural your mind is fighting them... I am sorry you are experiencing such painful and confusing flashbacks...

From my own limited point of view, it was not worth fighting or forcing these memories. They eventually came, hit me, made me feel tainted and devastated. But the most important thing for me was reaching out for help, when this happened... When I was a little girl, I was alone. But now, when my mind decided I was ready to face these old fears, I am not alone, not anymore. I can tell my therapist about anything. I can call some of my friends to stay with me.

Now, when I am looking back, I can see more clearly. I can see the pain, but it has already lost some of its strength. I keep realising I am not alone anymore. I keep realising there is hope.

I wouldn't say there is some "usual" way of remembering. It took me six months in therapy before I recalled anything at all. There are people who remember much sooner, others need years. There are people who have never pushed any of their memories away. We all are unique in the way our mind works. Somehow I think our brains know what to do and how much we can take in one moment. Do not let the process of remembering make you feel like that is something with you... there is not! Nobody can tell you how long this might last. But when - and if - the memories appear, please, remember that - you are not alone anymore.

Wish you strength!

Do not be afraid to ask about anything or simply to share your concerns with us... There are many people here who can understand what you are going through, and perhaps some of them can give you inspiration and hope :hug:

 

[shell]

@Hope4Now I have gone and am still going through this issue, I recovered a memory of being raped at a friends house as a teenager, which my brother confirmed and my friend confirmed some other details. I always knew I was severely physically abused by mother and she hinted at my fathers abuse during a conversation about who was responsible for the weird out of body experiences, flashbacks I was having and I didn't believe a word of what she said, even though I was already experiencing the body memories, and night panic attacks in my sleep.

Now after years of body memories, flashbacks of being raped as if I am a young child, nightmares, dissociating, going in and out of denial, and more recently nightmares detailing more, I am starting to accept that it most likely happened and stop fighting it. Both my last two therapist have been convinced I was sexually abused, it has been me that is unable to except it despite so much evidence that shows it mostly probably did happen.

I am sorry that you are going through this, if it helps I also fought it every step of the way. The rape came back over about three days, but the sexual abuse is very fragmented, and with body memories and hearing things, waking up during nightmares and actually re-experiencing being raped, touched and interferred with when I am totally wide awake. I have no visual memories at all, it is all sensory, perhap because it was dark, perhaps not. It is very crazy making. Be patient with yourself, and decide for yourself what you believe or can accept.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you both for your kind responses. I really appreciate you're openness. I feel very alone in all this even though I do have supportive people in my life.

I do have a question for you if you're willing to answer. How much do you "stay" with the flashbacks/body memories/fragments of things. I seem to have some ability to control them--can drag myself out of them, or something brings me "back" (eg my dog freaks out when this happens). Or if I stay focused enough on other things, they happen less. I don't know if it is better to just let them go on until they dissipate or if I need to work more on grounding. Or how much to reflect and try to make sense of them, or just to let them keep coming until more makes sense.

Sorry that's a tangled question.

 

[shell]

For me I had to learn to breath through it, panicking made it just keep repeating over and over. Grounding myself in the present moment, slowing my breath down, telling myself I am safe, it's not happening now. I let it wash over me now, as if I am observing something happen in a detached way, but it took months of practise, focusing on my breath, acknowledging it and the pain but not focusing on it, only on my breath, almost like I use dissociation but I am grounded so I know it's really not happening.

We worked on how I was reinforcing my sense of being unsafe in my own house, by locking the door at night to my bedroom I was creating an expectation that someone could attack me during the night. Now I sooth myself back to sleep by writing in my journal if it was a really bad experience, telling myself it's just a nightmare or flashback, cuddling a teddy if required (and telling myself I am safe).

 

[Hope4Now]

I started to gag from time to time, without any sign of memory. One month later, a tiny piece of a memory appeared, more like a short flash of fear. And I think it took almost two months till I remembered.

I wouldn't say there is some "usual" way of remembering. It took me six months in therapy before I recalled anything at all.

@bluebird, thank you for sharing your experience. It is miserable. I'm sorry you've been going through it. I get flashes of fear too. I guess I haven't thought of those as memories. Hmmm. The gagging happens to me too in the body flashbacks. I know different people remember in different ways. I have some questions. If you are uncomfortable answering them, that's okay. I will understand. When you remembered, how did you know you remembered? Was it really clear? Did the bits and pieces suddenly come together, or did the memory emerge gradually (like those old polaroid instant photos)? Did the memory have emotion attached to it? What brought you into therapy in the first place?

I had a fragment of visual and auditory memory come to me today in the middle of a body flashback. I know the visual memory was real because I remember my childhood bedroom from when I was 3 or 4 years old. My intellect tells me what this memory indicates (its pretty clear), but there's no other person in the room with me. Probably not a coincidence, but my physical pain today is the most excruciating it has been for several months.

I am sorry that you are going through this, if it helps I also fought it every step of the way. The rape came back over about three days, but the sexual abuse is very fragmented, and with body memories and hearing things, waking up during nightmares and actually re-experiencing being raped, touched and interferred with when I am totally wide awake. I have no visual memories at all, it is all sensory, perhap because it was dark, perhaps not. It is very crazy making. Be patient with yourself, and decide for yourself what you believe or can accept.

I let it wash over me now, as if I am observing something happen in a detached way, but it took months of practise, focusing on my breath, acknowledging it and the pain but not focusing on it, only on my breath, almost like I use dissociation but I am grounded so I know it's really not happening.

@shell, thank you for sharing this. The sudden recovered memory must have been horrible. And I understand the "crazy-making" feeling. I am working very hard to reassure myself I am not totally crazy. I have the detached stuff too--that's partly why I feel like I'm crazy...I'm mostly aware of and observing what is happening in my mind and body when I'm having flashbacks. It is the oddest experience--being grounded and having this happen at the same time--like superimposed experiences in one person.

I guess I'm somewhat inclined to continue doing this kind of thing, because it seems to be the only way I am getting any memory at all. Yet today, when it happened and the memory fragment was more multi-sensory, it really threw me. Left me shaken up. Do you think you can re-traumatize yourself in this way? I guess I have to ask my therapist about this too.

 

[shell]

My therapist said my biggest issue was constantly fighting it, accepting what I was feeling was the only way I stopped the flashbacks and nightmares, that didn't mean I had to decide what happened. I haven't had more than one nightmare a week for the last few weeks, I was having several a night, and I can't remember the last time I had a physical flashback it might be several months.

I became very suicidal when my therapist was digging too much, it didn't help me, I just shut down for months, and became very dissociated, there is a reason why we don't remember.. I didn't have to remember it all to improve my level of functioning in the present.

 

[Hope4Now]

@shell that is really helpful, thank you. So glad for you that the nightmares have decreased and you're not having the physical flashbacks. Hopefully this provides a bit of relief?

 

[d-art13]

Hi @shell
Thanks for sharing that :)

 

[shell]

Yes it provides a huge amount of relief, I have gone from sleeping sometimes as little as 2hours a night when it started 3 years ago to sleeping through the night. When you are exhausted it makes it difficult to function at all, let alone go to work and look after a family.

Life doesn't stop just because you are falling apart. I feel very stable in comparison now, I don't let the stress of the occassional nightmare get to me anymore, and the less anxious I am, the more I am able to deal with processing it. I am sorry you are going through it.

I think that when memories are coming back you really don't have any choice in dealing with them, mine have been "leaking out" as one of my therapist described it for the past 3 years after I was triggered 3 years ago by a doctor, since then my barriers have been coming down.

For me I had to become stronger in myself first, more self compassionate and to learn how to self sooth, self care and stop dissociating, and most importantly stop trying to destroy myself and become more grounded in the present first.

As I have become stronger in myself, I have come out of my need for denial, numbing and dissociation and able to stop panicking at the first sign of fear, which usually preceeded the flashbacks. I always thought I remembered all of my abuse but to discover I didn't was devasting to me, I honestly thought I was going crazy, I am not sure which was worse the belief that I was crazy like my mother, or accepting I was sexually abused as a younger child and raped as a teenager.

Try to be more accommodating of yourself, comforting yourself and remember that you were not responsible for what happened to you. There are some things we can't control, it is frustrating, especially the speed at which we remember, fragments that don't make sense, fragments that make you fearful, terrified and sad.

If you got all the memory back at once it can be very damaging, go gently I have experienced what can happen when you don't and it was very destructive and damaging. Strangely enough, slowly is quicker, I got somewhere when I went slowly, when all the self support was in place so that I could handle my reaction to it rather than imploding.

For me patience was the key, to moving towards acceptance without denial, it is really only the last month that I have come out of denial, it wasn't as devasting as I thought, probably because of all those times I went in and out of denial, were my way of getting ready to accept the truth. I guess now I am grieving, and even that is a slow process.

 

[Hope4Now]

For me I had to become stronger in myself first, more self compassionate and to learn how to self sooth, self care and stop dissociating, and most importantly stop trying to destroy myself and become more grounded in the present first.

I guess this is where I am right now...working on all these same things. My therapist is very good about slowing things down. I, of course, want to forge ahead and get on with the healing :) and get frustrated by sessions like today when so many parts of me were so activated that we spent the whole session just trying to get me balanced. You're right, though. I have made some progress with practicing some of these ways of thinking and skills and that is probably why more memory things are coming through.

For me patience was the key, to moving towards acceptance without denial, it is really only the last month that I have come out of denial, it wasn't as devasting as I thought, probably because of all those times I went in and out of denial, were my way of getting ready to accept the truth. I guess now I am grieving, and even that is a slow process

I'm glad for you that you are processing all this. I guess I am afraid of the devasation, so maybe as you say all this moving in and out of denial is a kind of practice. I'll try to think of it that way instead of torturing myself with thoughts that I'm crazy. Thanks.

 

[Brokensoul88]

It is truly a relief to finally find people in a similar situation to me. I discovered a few months ago that I was abducted & violently raped 6 years ago when I was 20. I think my trigger had a lot to do with emotions I was experiencing when the flashbacks started. I've been searching the net for such a long time to find reassurances and I'm so glad I joined this site today. I have just started 1-1 sessions with a rape crisis charity to try to work through it and find ways of coping with the flashbacks & panic attacks. Allow me to commend you all for speaking up & I hope that in time I can find ways to help others as you all have. "hope4now" thank you so much for starting this thread and I wish you all continued recovery.