Feeling Raw

[Bookoffee]

This is my first visit here.

I am going through a very rough time. The past week has been hell. I had to fire my therapist of 8 years for overstepping boundaries, then had to fire the new one I hired for inappropriate comments. I start with a new therapist next week.

In the past week I have lost complete control of my mind. I am having major panic attacks, agoraphobia and being impulsive.

I had no one to talk to that could understand what I am feeling and going through. I had to release my pain in my writing but had to share everything on FaceBook. I told stories of traumatic events in details. I was searching for help and didn't know how to.

I can't keep my panic attacks under control. I am not sure how I will be able to go into work tomorrow. I can not help people looking for mental health services when my own mental health is fading.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you for keeping on searching for a good therapist. Good for you for moving on. Mabe take the day off tomorrow and stay away from Facebook telling your story.

It is safer and better for you to express yourself here.

Can you call a crises hot line or go into emergency at your hospital?

 

[Bookoffee]

My agency is the statewide crisis. The state hospitals call me daily for referrals.

 

[RussH]

@Bookoffee welcome to the forum. You will meet a lot of good people here and make some good friends, and just important; you will meet people here who understand how you feel, and what you are dealing with.

This is a public forum, and as such should be treated that way regarding confidental matters, having said that, this is a sanctuary for the hurting and frequently misunderstood.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you for the welcome. I am still trying to recover from my panic attack.

I am very insecure and always think I am doing something wrong.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I admire your persistence in finding a new therapist. I hope this one works out for you. Sometimes when you don't feel up to doing something like going to work, it's okay to take a day off. I always feel the need to keep pushing myself, but last year I learned that a day off every now and then could do me a world of good. It's not simple sometimes to actually do that, but sometimes it's worth the hassles that come with it.

 

[mrsps]

hi Bookoffee. We will not judge you in here so please feel free to express anything :)

 

[RussH]

I am very insecure and always think I am doing something wrong

I completely understand this feeling.

 

[Chava]

Welcome. Sorry it's so rough right now. I hope switching to the new therapist goes well, and good work ending connection with the last one...that sounds really hard. I can relate to panic, especially when it feels like everything is a blur or I have nothing clear to grasp onto. Take care of yourself and hopefully the forum is helpful.

 

[Bookoffee]

I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning. I made it to work and I am thankful that I am the only one here for an hour. It gives me time to relax and get ready for the others.

My mind feels out of control. I can't keep myself in the present and focus in on my work. I keep jumping back to my suicide attempt and how exposed I feel right now.

I need to make it until 5pm but I am unsure if I can. I may be on here most of the day to try and help me through the day.

 

[Chava]

Come here as much as needed, if helpful. What could help you stay present? (personal example: when stuff gets chaotic, I can make myself sit down and work on a painting and get lost in that...something to just gather up my attention and pull me out of thoughts...not sure if you have found anything that will help you, just asking...if you're at work I realize your options will be less, but if you have any control over what you can focus on??). Do you have someone right there you can contact or ways you can feel safe? Do you know who or what you can reach out to right there if you don't feel safe? If I'm feeling any panic at work, or tension, going to the bathroom and just holding my hands under warm water for a couple minutes is sometimes soothing...and a way to take a break. Anything you can think of...

Maybe don't even worry about 5pm, but five minutes or one hour at a time. You'll get through it. Keep reaching out for help and for whatever helps you stay here and now.

 

[Bookoffee]

I enjoy reading and writing. I have pictures of all my animals and wedding on my walls in my office so I look at them when it gets to overwhelming. Sometimes that helps. But sometimes it bites me because my agoraphobia will act up and I will need to go home and check on everyone.

Even though I work for a mental health/crisis agency, I don't feel as though I can really turn to anyone, esp when I am in crisis and having suicidal thoughts. I just tell them that I have a hard time focusing and a little anxiety.

There are times when I feel that I will end up in hospital again. It is hard for me to help clients that are in a panic when I am also in a panic mind. I am far from a therapist or a doctor. I am just a care coordinator. I enjoy my job and love helping others but it does take its toll when I am struggling myself. It makes my decision making null.