Therapist Wants To Terminate Me As A Patient?

[Justmehere]

Oh I am so glad he responded so soon! I hope his words bring some much needed comfort and relief? I'm so glad you sent that email too. You did good.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm pleased you got such a quick response to your email and that it looks like he's trying to reassure you. Are you able to articulate what the tears are about?

I echo what others are saying, sometimes what I hear in the therapy session and what was actually said are two totally different things, in fact I need to do some "reality checking" in my session next week. It's so difficult because we do hear things through the PTSD filter which is just ridden with anxiety and misunderstanding. I hate it but because I know it's there, I know to always check.

 

[desiderata310]

@Justmehere I feel a bit of relief, yes. I've been just a mess since my last session. I had flashback in session on Tuesday and I've just felt so horrible since then. I lose much of what happens right before and after having a flashback it's confusing and exhausting. I don't even think we were talking about anything specifically trauma related.

@Suzetig All I know is I have been suicidal; felt like I am taking up too much space. I feel dirty and gross and just this terrible need to apologize for EVERYTHING.

 

[Suzetig]

You don't take up too much space, feeling that way though I'm not surprised you thought he wanted to terminate you - I wonder if you feel you take up too much of his space too? Is there anything that's helped you when you've felt this way before now?

 

[desiderata310]

Usually when I feel this way, I leave or quit whatever activity it is I am doing. I retreat.

 

[Suzetig]

Are you able to retreat just now? Maybe to somewhere that feels safe, with things that help ground you? I find soft blankets, scented hand cream, sharp tasting sweets all help keep me here and now and feeling comforted. Do things that usually help soothe you even if you don't feel soothed when doing them right now.

I'm sending kind thoughts your way, I know it's hard.

 

[desiderata310]

Not really. For the first time in a long time I have all three of my kids living with me. I have a super busy schedule at work and I can't take any time off.
I would like nothing better than to retreat and hide in my room and have a good cry. I've been without the privacy to do anything remotely resembling that for weeks.
Honestly, in the past I probably would have quit therapy altogether and not given an explanation.
And yes, I do often feel like I take up too much of his time and space.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, send a PC.

 

[StellaBlue]

"All I know is I have been suicidal; felt like I am taking up too much space. I feel dirty and gross and just this terrible need to apologize for EVERYTHING."

I know when I feel like this, everything that my therapist says sounds like he's telling me he doesn't want me around any more. And his response to me has consistently been - these are old tapes playing. The feelings are real, your interpretation of them are not.

Oh, and the need to apologize - I remember just sitting on the floor in my closet rocking back and forth and saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry after one really bad phone call.

Sometimes it helps to be reminded that this is really really hard work...and that you are actually doing a lot of really really hard work when all it feels like is being stuck. Sometimes just being willing to show up is enough.

 

[desiderata310]

The frustrating thing is that it's hard work that seems to be for nothing. I go in and struggle to stay present. I struggle not to have flashbacks.

Heck, we've gotten so restrictive with what we DO talk about that it's almost silly. There is a comedian that said the only things he talked about with his mom was the the garden, weather and the cat. I feel like we are almost to that point.

There was so much more on my mind at my last session before everything went sideways but I was afraid to bring them up for fear that I would dissociate or worse. It meant that the conversation died and then we went in a direction I can't remember and it all ended badly anyway.
I really wish I could just hide from the world right now.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wish I could videotape my therapy sessions because I have the same experience as you. I'd like to hit replay so I can figure out where I get off track. It seems sometimes that what I want to work on in therapy never passes my lips. I just wind up in some alternate universe where I'm all alone on a sinking ship.

But I've got to hang in there because I looked at a condo at the beach and it's adorable and plenty big enough for me and Annie. That means I have to work hard and pray my house sells so I can buy it.

 

[desiderata310]

My therapist texted me and asked me if I wanted to know what happened in session. I'm a little nervous about it but I said yes, and he is going to type it up for me.