Should I Cancel My Session Today, Thoughts?

[Suzetig]

Well done you for just getting there - regardless of what happened in session it was good for you to at least turn up. Sometimes achievement is measured in tiny baby steps.

 

[desiderata310]

How did it go @GWhizz ?

 

[GWhizz]

How did it go @GWhizz ?

I'm not so sure... I wanted to leave the entire time but sat it out. I told her I wanted to go multiple times though she didn't want me to just walk out and feel upset or annoyed at myself for being unable to speak etc. I know everyone is saying that just being there in itself is positive. But after I left I thought to myself that I would feel much happier if it weren't part of my life. I don't know whether that's true or not to be honest. I just keep thinking about how just a year ago everything was fine. I just want the flashbacks to stop. Maybe that's my problem? I'm so resistant to all of that processing etc. But it's dominating my life one way or another. Today we celebrated my son's 1st birthday. It was such a fun and welcome distraction. Only yesterday in therapy I told my T how I thought he'd be better off adopted. Today I feel the opposite. Though I'm so up and down emotionally from one day to the next. It just takes one bad event for example, to upset everything and trigger me right back. On Wednesday night I felt so so low. I was so upset my son got really anxious looking. This is what led me to feel he'd do better without me. I don't want him to be a hypervigilant child like I was growing up worried about my mum etc. and living to protect her when she ultimately did nothing to protect me. I would never not protect him. But I feel like I'm hurting him. I feel there is truth to some of what the psych team said on Wednesday - that maybe bringing a child into this wasn't good. Not that I am worried by their silly notion that I must worry over a possible genetic link to schizophrenia, but that I worry that he will be negatively affected emotionally etc by having to see me at my low points. My T and I actually did discuss this yesterday - she said it's okay, I will be able to soothe him. But I just don't think that's good enough. Prevention is better than cure right?

 

[Jane.l]

The thing is once the box is open you can't put the lid back on believe me I have tried . You can try and avoid in what ever way you like - you could not go to therapy and pretend it's ok but like you say the flashbacks and nightmares are going to be there , I think trying to avoid it is totally normal after all that is how we've coped in the past - how we got to here .

I know parenting is really hard when you are trying to deal with everything - I have three children and I am separated from their father and at times I feel I am doing a rubbish job but bottom line is I am doing the best I can - most of the time I can click into ' mum mode' and do what ever needs doing . Of course I wouldn't choose to be on this roller coaster trying to bring up children and neither would you but we are where we are . They are loved and cared for - it's not perfect .

I think ( and I could be totally wrong ) that you can see the road ahead in therapy and the big picture and it looks scary and you don't want to go there , I know that feeling , you are tired from your baby and the massive life change that is and you are overwhelmed trying to deal with ptsd on top of everything - it is totally understandable - who wouldn't be struggling faced with all you have on your plate. So don't be down on yourself you love and care for your baby - you are taking steps to help yourself and get to grips with the ptsd - you are doing the right stuff . Just try and break down into little bits - don't get overwhelmed by that big picture . Take little steps .

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Jane.l. I agree the box cannot be closed. My mind is trying to process this for a reason of course. I really have so much admiration for you raising 3 kids without their father there, and with ptsd too. Thank you for your encouraging comment