Bad end to my session - am i overreacting?

[MyWillow]

I’m sorry you are hurting and I think it’s an excellent thing that you plan to raise it. Courageous too.

The other thing that I am conscious of is that, while my therapist shows empathy she is very careful about showing too much. She knows me better than I know myself. I suspect I would run a mile. I’m fiercely independent and I bloody hate more than anything the dissociation and amnesia that makes me feel out of control, weak, vulnerable and exhausted.

 

[deeplyloved]

Recently, I’ve been receiving some feedback about how perfectly calm and collected I seem to “always be.” It’s been surprising and somewhat unnerving because I struggle so much with anxiety.

Have you heard the analogy of the swimming duck? It looks cool on the surface but is paddling at lightening speed just out of view! I have a lot of ego/survival skills and professional stake invested in “cleaning up well” and appearing like I have myself together. People who love me can pick up on my frantic paddling feet...and I’m trying to get better at being open about it more generally.

I feel like it should be obvious that I’m losing my you-know-what...but it’s surprisingly not! I hear that you are feeling hurt and angry. Your feelings are yours and they are perfectly valid. I would be hurt too. And oh boy am i sensitive to everything my therapist says and does! It’s a tender, vulnerable place we are in. I just invite you to consider if assuming he truly couldn’t tell how distressed you were will lower your suffering between now and your next appointment.

Please don’t abandon addressing this hurt. I hope you will bring it up fulsomely and let us know how that goes. But, if you’re anything like me, I wonder how much more painful this will all become as your feelings of betrayal and hurt keep building. I think it’s highly possible he will want to know better so that he can do better. If not, he’s a big jerk and you deserve so much better!

 

[Suzetig]

I did feel like faint though and would like to think that if he knew the extent of what I felt he would have waited for a moment regardless of whether he didn't 'have any more time to give'.

It sounds like for the idea that he might not have had time to spare at the end of your session equates to him not caring about you. There are lots of reasons why the session might have needed to end on time and he may have needed to make a different arrangement, e.g. have you sit in the waiting room until you felt calmer. It's not always possible to take a moment, he may have needed to be somewhere else, had another client coming or frankly needed the toilet etc. Unless you have reason to think he just didn't care, I'd go with him either not realising or him knowing that he couldn't let you stay over time for whatever reason. It'll be good for you to talk it through with him when you see him.

 

[snowangel35]

It sounds like for the idea that he might not have had time to spare at the end of your session equates...

The thing that gets me is not so much the crying part as that I could handle and go to the bathroom myself and wipe my eyes before walking out to the world but it was that I felt lightheaded and faint not far off feeling that I was going to pass out. I understand what you say that he may not have had a moment as may have needed to leave or go to the toilet or get ready for the next client but if that was actually the case and he actually was aware of what was happening but still did as he did that would make me even angrier. I needed two minutes extra care that I have never asked for before. I know it wasn't life or death but in that moment I felt fearful and like I was going to faint. If a need to go to the toilet, boundaries or needing to push on so they can get ready for the next client trumps basic the capacity for basic human care than I'm stumped. I don't know any other profession that wouldn't give you a moment. If this was the case I would, in fact, equate it to him not actually caring.

 

[Suzetig]

So, in session you said you felt lightheaded? How would he know that meant you felt like you were going to faint? There's quite a gap between feeling a bit lightheaded and thinking you're literally about to keel over - I have both feelings relatively regularly. In the first I know I need to go a wee bit slower and I'll be fine, in the second I need to sit for a few minutes, have some water and gather myself.

What did you do when you left the session - did you take some time to gather yourself before going home, sit in the waiting room or your car before driving off, or did you just get up and go?

 

[snowangel35]

So, in session, you said you felt lightheaded? How would he know that meant you felt like you were going...

Yes, you are right. I was not upfront with what I was feeling at the time. I am also very angry at myself for not being able to speak up. In fact maybe more angry at myself as I guess that's where most of the responsibility of knowing what was happening lay....But in that moment I was a bit confused about exactly what was happening and what I was feeling. When I went outside the office I had to sit down in the waiting room for a few moments. I don't think there is a huge gap between being lightheaded and feeling faint though. I thought lightheadedness could always have the potential to lead to faintness even though it also may not. I'm not a big fainter do and have only fainted once before so I don't really know how it 'normally' feels. All I know is that I had been crying prior and felt off balance/dizzy and needed to stay sitting down for a moment for the lightheadedness to go as if I didn't I felt I might faint.

 

[snowangel35]

I brought it up with my T today and he responded really really well. It was as I had thought...well one of my thoughts at least. He wasn't aware of what was happening and in fact apologized for not noticing saying that yes I should have told him but perhaps he also should have been paying more attention. I know part of a T's role is repairing a rupture when it happens so I guess that's what he was doing but I am very happy that I was able, to be honest, and bring it up and in fact I think has made the connection even stronger.

 

[JustBreathe]

I've only cried in therapy once before and have lots of difficulty crying in front of people includ...

He probably just had another patient waiting. This has happened to me. It feels weird leaving mid-anxiety attack but I do somehow manage. I go in my car and finish crying and do breathing exercises while the car is parked and off.

 

[snowangel35]

He probably just had another patient waiting. This has happened to me. It feels weird leaving mid-a...

He apologized for not noticing (although I had taken responsibility for not saying what I was feeling) and said had he noticed he would have given me another few moments (for safety purposes) until I felt I was able to stand up without the possibility of fainting and then if I needed more time and he had another patient would have brought me to the waiting room. I'm happy enough with that response. I mean it still highlights we are one of many clients but I felt it was a reasonable response.