Is This Anger Or Assertiveness?

[Notsowild]

Besides getting too many suicidal thoughts I've also am feeling alot of anger. I'm angry at what has happened to me. I'm angry at all the people I work with who don't understand. I find myself lashing out when they try to tell me what to do. I'm tired of being pushed around like before. People would think they could say anything to me because I am shy and quiet.

I've been trying to be more assertive to my co-workers. Tired of them saying whatever they want like I have no feelings. But... I feel more anger than assertiveness. Some say I'm meaner or bitchier.

I don't like this angry feeling all the time. How can you be assertive without being too bitchy or mean?

I hope this makes sense. It's late and I'm sleep deprived.

 

[Notsowild]

This is @anthony article

Human behavior falls into five (5) types. There are the familiar four, passive, aggressive, assertive and passive-aggressive. Wait, I said five though. Yes, there is a fifth type of human behavior, its called the alternator and it applies to people who primarily switch between passive and aggressive, which is different to passive-aggressive. The alternator are one or the other, unlike passive-aggressive behavior, that indirectly insults you, removing ownership for the behavior.

Not to sure which I am. I was passive. Now I'm passive-aggressive?

 

[anthony]

How can you be assertive without being too bitchy or mean?

Assertiveness stops before the bitchy mark is reached, and it expresses what you feel in a non-threatening manners. Basically, you think what you want to say, structure it without snide comments or such, then say that.

Assertiveness is about asserting your thoughts, not passively, not aggressively, then leaving it at that. Sometimes being assertive is to turn around and walk away, as an example, if someone just wants to argue with you, but you don't desire to argue. So you could simply say, "I'm not going to argue with you, when you're ready to talk with me, I'm available," then leave them be.

 

[marylouise]

Assertiveness is certainly the goal, but initially I overreached in setting my boundaries and went all aggressive at first but eventually figured out how to tone that down and communicate assertively. You'll get there. I was better off angry than passive.

In the meantime, you may want to look up assertiveness techniques, such as the one @anthony cites, so you'll at least have the tools you need when you're ready for them.

 

[The Albatross]

I also think I would do some self examination on the idea that "the people I work with need to understand". For myself it was an unrealistic expectation that drove frustration, angst, and ramped up my stress. I had to work to reframe it. People don't have to understand, if I want them to I can attempt to communicate to them in a non-emotive way... but I can not control whether or not the message is received or if it will be a priority for them. They have their own lives, families, children, friends... many things that compete for their time. A co-worker most often falls pretty low on the totem pole.

 

[freespirit13]

I have issues with this ...Well i don't say anything and get walked over, as i find if i open my mouth to say what i want ...I end up feeling guilty???!!! and then i am beating myself up for not/saying something ...I find it hard to communicate with people ...face to face and i don't really think i have any social skills ..as i have isolated myself for so many years ..I don't really know how to be around people and i feel intimidated and judged ...So i don't say anything and i don't know where that boundary/balance is ..because i feel that if i said what i wanted to say...people would see me as rude and then i wouldn't want them to feel bad ...so don't say anything at all ...I have this closed book thing i do ....don't let any one in and don't be approachable..Don't smile ..so i probably look aggressive..which probably doesn't help with the social skills :) ...Before my trauma..I was so friendly ...smiling ...happy ..i knew how to communicate but i think that led to what happened to me and now i don't know how to get that back ...in case it happens again :(

 

[Justmehere]

I don't like this angry feeling all the time. How can you be assertive without being too bitchy or mean?

Anger vs Assertive is kind of the wrong balance test. I get why you are asking it that way though.

Anger is just an emotion. It's what you do with it that matters. Anger can lead to behaving assertively. Mismanaged anger can be acted out through the behaviors of passive-aggressiveness, aggressiveness, ect. Assertive is done to pro-actively solve problems. Lashing out at people is either passive aggressive, aggressive, etc.

Not all anger is some form of aggression though.

Assertiveness doesn't mean that the anger goes away, or that there is an absence of anger. Being assertive is a much more effective way to use anger and will likely help you feel a lot better though.

If you are new to setting boundaries with co-workers... their complaints that you are being bitchy might be more about them wanting the old passive you back that they can be verbally abusive towards you again. Usually when someone goes from passive to assertive, people initially push back. If they are still complaining you are bitchy after some time (not days or weeks, but months to a year) that's when I would be really concerned. If this is new for you, give yourself grace. And keep working on it. It gets a lot easier in time.

As far as how to be assertive without being mean, I would highly suggest reading anything you can about NVC - non-violent communication techniques. They are simple and easy to use. When I use them, my efforts to be assertive rarely come across as bitchy. Most of the time, people thank me. It's almost weird...

 

[Notsowild]

Assertiveness stops before the bitchy mark is reached, and it expresses what you feel in a non-threatening manners. Basically, you think what you want to say, structure it without snide comments or such, then say

Thanks @anthony... I guess it takes alot of practise. With all the anger in me I probably do come across as bitchy. Never been too good at communication being extremely shy all my life. This assertive stuff is hard

 

[Notsowild]

Assertiveness is certainly the goal, but initially I overreached in setting my boundaries and went all aggressive at first but eventually figured out how to tone that down and communicate assertively. You'll get there. I was better off angry than passive.

Thank you so much. That's sounds like what I'm doing. How did you learn how to be assertive?

 

[Notsowild]

I also think I would do some self examination on the idea that "the people I work with need to understand". For myself it was an unrealistic expectation that drove frustration, angst, and ramped up my stress. I had to work to reframe it. People don't have to understand, if I want them to I can attempt to communicate to them in a non-emotive way.

Thanks @The Albatross... I get your meaning but... They all knew I was on "stress leave". I should get some compassion from them. No? I see them for over 40 hours a week. There has to be some give and take.
They expect me to be the same quiet, passive person I was before.

 

[The Albatross]

You are not wrong perhaps to expect it, but when it does not materialize, it is ultimately up to you to manage it independently from expectations from others. It is after all, an unmet need. When others are unable or unwilling to meet your need... then it's up to you to circumnavigate the situation and either reframe the need or get it met yourself.

 

[Notsowild]

I have issues with this ...Well i don't say anything and get walked over, as i find if i open my mouth to say what i want ...I end up feeling guilty???!!! and then i am beating myself up for not/saying something ...I find it hard to communicate with people ...face to face and i don't really think i have any social skills ..as i have isolated myself for so many years ..I don't really know how to be around people and i feel intimidated and judged ...So i don't say anything and i don't know where that boundary/balance is ..because i feel that if i said what i wanted to say...people would see me as rude and then i wouldn't want them to feel bad ...so don't say anything at all ...I have this closed book thing i do ....:(

That's exactly how I'm feeling but... I don't want to be stepped all over again. I'm tired of people's verbal abuse. I just don't know how to communicate properly without sounding bitchy or mean. Practise???