Okay, I have lived in the same home for 22 years. In this home my I have gone through so many different forms of abuse(physical, sexual, mental). I have always lived with many of the people who abused me and really I do want to leave. So I got an apartment and I move in October. I am absolutely terrified. I can't explain it but I can't sleep right, eat right, even think straight. I am afraid to leave them. Part of me is afraid that what they said all those years is true. That the reason that all of this happened was because of me. I was born a bad person and a change of scenery won't change that. Furthermore they are really the only people I know well. How does a person start over. I don't know what life will be like without the abuse. Or will it never stop? If some of you have had to start please share how you handled it. I just want to feel okay about it. And not back out.
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Afraid To Leave My Abusers
- Post starter Imanpeony
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I was shit scared when I left home and moved into my own place. And then, within a week, I woke up one morning and felt free, liberated, and light. I was so aware of that my day, my mood, the atmosphere, absolutely everything could not be contaminated, that all of it was entirely up to me, and that nobody could spoil it, could force their crap onto me, could make me unhappy, afraid, desperate, terrified ...
I still remember it clearly, and I still savor it.
Dysfunctional families fail in their number 1 function, which is to prepare a child to be able to successfully deal with challenges, the world, life. Of course you don't feel prepared, and some things will be hard. But you'll be better off.
I still remember it clearly, and I still savor it.
Dysfunctional families fail in their number 1 function, which is to prepare a child to be able to successfully deal with challenges, the world, life. Of course you don't feel prepared, and some things will be hard. But you'll be better off.
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scot
I got out with two toddlers about 15 years ago, so my situation was a little bit different, but anyway. I was scared to death getting out because that meant suddenly to be all alone, no family support any more, and loosing everything except my kids. Luckily the idea was that if I was expected to take care of them, I likely will not make it because I will be too overwhelmed, which will make me go back rather sooner than later.... well, that didn't work out...:) Today there is absolutely no question that I did the write thing, it was good.
The most difficult for me was keeping myself from backing out. In retro respect I think what actually kept me from backing out was having my mind set to proving them all wrong, and staying away from all people and "help" that didn't truly believe in me making it. That was a very new feeling, instead of being unsure what to do, having no existing self confidence, and always watching out for how to please others so that everything is fine, I for once started to be the one who is in power, OH, how good that felt there is no measure..... Well, there are people who are NOT happy about this change of character....:))
I just hope you have a little bit more luck than I had in finding people that are helpful. In this regard I would like to point out that with helpful I mean helpful accordingly to what you experience as help to you to make it. My own experience is that there are way too many people that are so wrongfully convinced in their own mind that they are helpful, which includes countless so called professionals that should know better. Rule of thumb is that if help just doesn't feel like helping, it is NOT help, which is another important thing I had to tell myself over and over again so I would not fall back into questioning my needs and twisting them in my head so that they rather match what pleases others instead of actually taking good care of myself.
The most difficult for me was keeping myself from backing out. In retro respect I think what actually kept me from backing out was having my mind set to proving them all wrong, and staying away from all people and "help" that didn't truly believe in me making it. That was a very new feeling, instead of being unsure what to do, having no existing self confidence, and always watching out for how to please others so that everything is fine, I for once started to be the one who is in power, OH, how good that felt there is no measure..... Well, there are people who are NOT happy about this change of character....:))
I just hope you have a little bit more luck than I had in finding people that are helpful. In this regard I would like to point out that with helpful I mean helpful accordingly to what you experience as help to you to make it. My own experience is that there are way too many people that are so wrongfully convinced in their own mind that they are helpful, which includes countless so called professionals that should know better. Rule of thumb is that if help just doesn't feel like helping, it is NOT help, which is another important thing I had to tell myself over and over again so I would not fall back into questioning my needs and twisting them in my head so that they rather match what pleases others instead of actually taking good care of myself.
Justmehere
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Trauma bonding makes it hard to leave abusers. You may not feel ok about it until you actually do it - and I hope you do it anyhow. It is SO worth it.
I was trembling and shaking when I left and it felt like the world was ending and I was the most horrible person. I felt so hopeless.
It was the best thing I ever did. My life changed so much. It's amazing to be out of that old house.
One thing that helped me do it was to remember that I could always go back to them. It was not a good idea to go back to them, but it has helped in the moment to remember that it was an option for me.
Those messages to stay and that you are a bad person and changing scenery won't help - those are your abusers messages in your head - don't agree with those messages! They are not true! You are not bad. This is about so much more than changing scenery. You are taking a bog step to change your life and things will be different in very good ways.
I was trembling and shaking when I left and it felt like the world was ending and I was the most horrible person. I felt so hopeless.
It was the best thing I ever did. My life changed so much. It's amazing to be out of that old house.
One thing that helped me do it was to remember that I could always go back to them. It was not a good idea to go back to them, but it has helped in the moment to remember that it was an option for me.
Those messages to stay and that you are a bad person and changing scenery won't help - those are your abusers messages in your head - don't agree with those messages! They are not true! You are not bad. This is about so much more than changing scenery. You are taking a bog step to change your life and things will be different in very good ways.
D
Deleted member 12723
My abusive mother was killed in a air plane crash and I received a settlement of nine thousand dollars and I moved out the day I got the money and felt like a rat jumping a sinking ship as I was leaving my three sibs with my psycho father.
Moving away was the best thing I did next to turning in my fathers unliscenced day care through the Ombudsman program. He left the state and the sibs as well.
I survived the best out of my sibs. I have felt survivors guilt for so many years. It was the best thing to move away and assert my growing independence. He proved to be a big coward when he left the state. But he managed to stay in touch with my sibs so I had to disconnect from them. He is dead now and can never ever hurt anyone ever again. I just feel so much relief now that he is dead.
I now have a phone only relationship with my highly toxic sister who I hear from occasionally. I am very cautious with her as well. She does not have my address.
Moving away was the best thing I did next to turning in my fathers unliscenced day care through the Ombudsman program. He left the state and the sibs as well.
I survived the best out of my sibs. I have felt survivors guilt for so many years. It was the best thing to move away and assert my growing independence. He proved to be a big coward when he left the state. But he managed to stay in touch with my sibs so I had to disconnect from them. He is dead now and can never ever hurt anyone ever again. I just feel so much relief now that he is dead.
I now have a phone only relationship with my highly toxic sister who I hear from occasionally. I am very cautious with her as well. She does not have my address.
I really get where you're coming from here. I was really lost when I got my first apartment at 18, I felt alone and scared and even though I had taken care of myself and others for most of my life I was never shown how to do it healthily. I thought nobody would want to be around me except the people who were linked by the obligation of blood, who happen to be my abusers. I think the best advice I can give you is to make bonds with new people, as hard as it can be. Make your own family,or at least find people you think you might have hope of trusting who aren't connected to your abusers. It opens up so much room for perspective and growth, and gives you confidence that you don't need them. Not that you won't think about going back. Because they are the devils you know and abusers feed into uncertainty. If you don't feel comfortable doing that much social stuff in general, support groups are a great way to meet people who understand and you can build ties with, outside of your family.
More than anything it's just a learning curve. You learn things other people may already have had modelled for them, the same way you've gained experience from your circumstances. And just because you moved out doesn't mean you have to cut ties completely, the advantage to being on your own is that you don't have to stay if you're visiting home and things get scary. You have somewhere safe to return to. You now have more choices.
It's going to be scary, but it's so worth it.
More than anything it's just a learning curve. You learn things other people may already have had modelled for them, the same way you've gained experience from your circumstances. And just because you moved out doesn't mean you have to cut ties completely, the advantage to being on your own is that you don't have to stay if you're visiting home and things get scary. You have somewhere safe to return to. You now have more choices.
It's going to be scary, but it's so worth it.
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- #8
anthony
Founder
Firstly, well done for taking action to get yourself away from them. Being terrified of change is perfectly normal. You're familiar with where you live and what happens each day. This creates a "normal" for you, even though its toxic, you know what to expect. Moving away creates a new "normal" for you, without the toxicity, and that will make you fearful.
Abusers will often make you feel as bad as they can when you take action to escape... because its the same for them, they won't have you to abuse any longer and thus it removes an element of control for them. So the best them for them, is to try and make you change your mind so their world doesn't change.
You taking control over your life, getting out of abuse and away from abusers, means it stops for you. It will be hard, no doubt about it. There will be times you question yourself whether you made the right decision, but if they're abusing you, you have to take control of you, as nobody else can do that. You get to make your own decisions.
Give it time... because once you move it will take a lot of time for you to adjust.
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