Frustrated Again! *vent*

[Chosen]

Update:

Yesterday was group, of which my T is a co-facilitator, and I e-mailed him very briefly the night before letting him know I was mad at him (just so he knew if my behavior towards him changed in group). In group, I told people how I might have a broken foot and am homeless for the next month. People offered their support, and I didn't respond the greatest, and my T asked me about it. I told him I was mad at him and that it was between us. He then said that'd we'd have to discuss it in group since there's tension there. I felt backed into a corner, and I got up and said "Excuse me, please" and walked out. I walked away from the group room as fast as possible, hoping that my T wouldn't follow, but he did.

I went outside and leaned against a wall, and he came out and asked what's the matter. I shut down, partially because of being in pain from my foot & having only gotten 5 hours of sleep the night before due to moving away from stressful creepy landlord. I brought up the stuff from the previous session, and again, he didn't understand what I was saying & read into it. I tried to explain, but it just didn't seem to work at all.

I told him I just had needed to walk out and pray for a bit and then I could return. He said that we had to talk right now, and when I said I needed to just stop and pray to ask God for help to talk, he told me not to, that he didn't want me to 'dissociate' (as if I was actually there anyway---I already had dissociated and needed prayer to ground!), and that he was there and I needed to talk to him and give him eye contact. I tried so hard to talk, but I felt so misunderstood and invalidated that it was very hard to. He said I need to convince him that he's helping me, so I told him that having him as a consistent figure has been helpful all by itself.

He said that moving forward he needs me to do three things: (1) absolutely no more e-mailing, (2) that I am more immediate in session with what I'm feeling, (3) I stay away from the park that's near his house because he can see me there (which is where I go to pray outdoors that's not mosquito ridden, which I'm quite allergic to). I'm really frustrated with all of this, especially since he isn't understanding me or why I was upset and that he was so disrespectful and disregarding of my faith.

My faith is the number one part of me, and for him to think that he can dictate where and when I express my faith is over the line, in my opinion. It's not like I'm praying on his lawn! or in front of his house in the street. There's a huge field, and he wasn't even willing to consider if I pray on the far, far end (like 2 or 3 football fields lengths away from where he could see me). I'm not praying there because his house is nearby; I can't help that his house is by a PUBLIC PARK!!!! And, I know there are other parks, but the uniqueness of this park is the large field that doesn't have many mosquitoes because of the open space and it's next to a farmer's field where I can also go for a walk. It's the closest thing to country I can get while living in a city. It has nothing to do with him.

I don't know if I can continue to see him with that specific boundary. I'd be fine staying far away, since that's where I pray usually anyway (until mosquitoes go away, and then I pray in the woods). Gah. I'm so frustrated with him right now!!!

 

[digger]

Hmm. I think I'd be seriously considering looking for a new T. Whether one has been crossed or not, he is clearly concerned about the boundaries in the relationship. I wonder if he just really isn't used to having a long term therapeutic relationship with clients. If his usual turn around is five to seven sessions, he may be feeling out of his depth with a more intense relationship. Is he actually a trauma therapist, or just a general therapist. It's sounding increasingly like he's trying to pull back from the relationship, for whatever reason, and doesn't feel able to support you as much as you need?

 

[Chosen]

He is not a trauma therapist.

It's so flip-floppy. One session, he speaks about how much I've grown. The next time, he talks about how bad I seem off (he thought yesterday that I was doing horrible but didn't accept my reasoning that 5 hours of sleep, a broken foot, and multiple stressors were the reasons I was off in my reasoning and ability to speak with him).

I reached out to him in crises, and he wanted me to stop doing that so often and to turn to God. I did. Now, he wants me to talk to him before I talk to God.

Gah.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm sorry that he was so disrespectful to you! I don't even know what to say to support you right now because I'm absolutely shocked! But I do have five words, find a new therapist ASAP! You can send me a PC if you want, hugs to you!

 

[ghotiff]

So many things went wrong.

Not allowing you your space when you ask for it is a huge boundary violation in my opinion. I'm so sorry this happened.

 

[Justmehere]

Noah - my heart goes out to you. I would be confused and bewildered and irked about this stuff too. It sounds like you really do need to sort this out, with him, directly. Try not to worry about other factors that are not being said - like whatever the new director could be doing or not. I think there are enough signs that this T has his own issues.

I can see a therapist getting a little wierded out by seeing clients in public, but to ask you to not go to a public place, that's a bit strange. It seems like HE is the one with bad internal and external boundaries. (You shouldn't know where he lives to begin with.) I understand the park is not across the street from his house, but how is it that he can see you there? And so what if he can? He is the one that chooses to live near a public park, known full well students he counsels could end of at that park. Unless you are in his yard or on his street, why would it even be an issue? This is strange. Makes me concerned about him.

As far as him talking about ending your work in May or August of 2015, I think it makes a lot of sense that he is thinking about wrapping up your time together with 12 sessions left. If you saw him weekly and had 52 sessions left, yeah, it would be premature. But 12 sessions makes sense. I worked with a therapist for 2 years on an adjunctive form of therapy (not a primary therapist) and we took 10 sessions to end.

His lack of consistency and all the other ways he seems so squirrel are a sign that he's not a trauma specialist and may not be able to provide what you really need - which is more about him than you. The boundaries he is setting up seem like a way he is beginning to push you away, sort of.

And as painful as that is, it might be a good thing.

Your insight and desire to work things out show a depth of work and maturity on your part, that he may not be ready for. It is NOT a sign of you failing - quite the opposite. I see it as a sign of your courage and willingness to do the hard work of long term therapy.

Perhaps this is a very good time to begin to look at what is going to be the next step on your healing journey. Not so much to see it as an end with him because you or him failed, but rather a time to transition, and graduate to the next level of therapy work - something you will inevitably have to do when you graduate from the school.

I saw a T for several years. I was much more stable by seeing her and the work we did together. However, she was not a trauma specialist. She did see me because she was the best option I thought I had for what I could afford. The end of our relationship sound similar to yours. She began to be very insecure about the work we were doing. I was still making progress, but something was going off track. I later found out that my stuff was triggering her own stuff and she was struggling with the idea of ending the therapy. The more insecure she got, the more I felt her insecurity and shut down and got irked about the therapy, and the less therapy worked...

In the end, we mutually knew it was time for me to move on. It was painful for both of us, and it was a very good thing that we ended. I ended up finding a trauma specialist and I have made more progress with her in 9 months than in 4 years of therapy with the previous therapist. In hindsight, I wish I would have ended sooner with my previous therapist...

I know you are the healthiest you have ever been, and you are right that this is a great sign the therapy with him in the past has been very helpful. Nothing takes away that. But I believe there is therapy out there that is even better than the good work you have done with him in the past.

 

[Chosen]

Update:

I had an individual session with him today. I asked for clarification on his comments about prayer making me dissociate. He said that prayer calms me, and while he appreciates and is glad that it does most times, he wanted me to stick with my painful feelings and really feel them and process them with him. Likewise, he didn't want me to turn to God when he and I are in session and he hurts me. He'd rather that I tell him right then rather than processing with God first. So, I think both those things are fair, and I'm really glad that he didn't have a disrespectful view of my faith.

He also clarified that he is trying to prep me for saying goodbye next year, which is going to be insanely hard to do. He also wants me to figure out more of what things I most want to talk about in this next year.

So overall, things are better between us, though I sure am sad to even think of having to say goodbye to him next year.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm not sure if I have replied to this thread before, but I have been following it. While I understand and appreciate your therapist's point of view, and that you need to process painful emotions in his presence, I still don't like how he doesn't want you to put God first. I don't want this to become a religious debate other than to say that in any type of faith, whatever God you believe in, that higher power should come first! There is no reason that you can't ask God to help you process the painful emotions with your therapist, and if you need a simple prayer to ask him for help, then you should be able to do that whenever and wherever you need to! Just my two cents, and I'm glad you're starting to prepare for what is sure to be a painful ending! Good luck in the rest of your journey! Oh, and one last thing, maybe he could set you up with a referral for someone to see when you do have to end your relationship with him; maybe he could even sit in on the first session to help ease the transition.

 

[Chosen]

Well, I kinda get where he's coming from. I've said frequently that I want to feel and express my emotions more in session, and he has pointed out that I do use God and prayer to distance myself from emotions. Sometimes that's okay, but other times it creates conflict. So, I mean, I can still usher up a quick prayer in the moment, and then still discuss the emotions.

 

[fatfunkster]

It's an interesting issue you've raised and I personally am really impressed that you did. This is such a great forum to sound out ideas and to vent/explore emotional reactions to issues.
My interest in this group is that of actually being a therapist, so perhaps I can offer a different perspective?

I think the fact that he's opened up to you about something that frustrates him is testament to how strong your relationship is. However, I'm pretty certain that he wouldn't have expected you to have the reaction you did, but rather just to empathise with him a little. I'm not going to discuss whether that's appropriate or not and where the boundaries lie in a therapeutic relationship; a lot of that is dependent upon the style of therapy and duration of therapy.

However what I think is really interesting is your reaction to what he said. You've interpreted his comment as being a put down and a rejection, and despite him giving you many positives throughout that session you were describing, the thing that has had the biggest impact was that one, flippant statement by him. Please don't take what I say here as criticism either, it's certainly not meant to be, but rather that I'm pointing out an opportunity to understand yourself a little better, to appreciate that something has triggered this response in you and that you're focussing upon rejection and lack of progress as being his underlying motive for what he said. I'd say it should be something you should bring up at the beginning of your next session to discuss - that way he can clarify what he meant, what the motive was and you can consider your reaction to it. In fact I'd encourage you to consider your reaction to him clarifying it in the next session. I can't imagine for one second that he wouldn't say that his comment wasn't directed at you at all (sorry for all the double negatives), but as he's saying that can you focus upon your reaction to it? It may be that you don't even believe his explanation, but that's your underlying belief systems getting in the way of that.
I hope that observation is of some help to you. Best of luck with it.

 

[Lucycat]

While I understand and appreciate your therapist's point of view, and that you need to process painful emotions in his presence, I still don't like how he doesn't want you to put God first. I don't want this to become a religious debate other than to say that in any type of faith, whatever God you believe in, that higher power should come first!

My interpretation of this is that he wants you to explore the emotions and feelings yourself and not simply 'pass the buck' - to anybody or God. In this case God can be an excuse not to deal with painful situations. I am not suggesting your God should not help, but the idea of therapy, especially at this period of transition, is about learning independence and self-reliance. If God has all the answers, then why are you even bothering with therapy after all? I am not religious, but for those who are I would suggest that God has given the skills to a therapist for a reason and should be listened to.

 

[Hashi]

He is not a trauma therapist.

This is all that needs to be said. Honestly. A non-trauma therapist is not going to be able to handle a trauma client adequately. End of story.