Breathtaking Velocity Of Churning Through Relationship Freaking Me Out

[maryiscontrary]

I would really like ya'lls very wise thoughts on this.

For a couple years now, I have been in aggressive recovery from severe trauma. I have taken a no BS policy when it comes to boundaries, realizing what stuff is my own (and what is not), and really caring and reparenting myself.

The deep existential thing that gets me, and that really outrages me on this deep level is the rate of churn and burn of my relationships. The velocity of having to let people go who crash my boundaries, and have no insight or a willingness to have frank discussion (using nonviolent communication techniques) is breathtaking and astounding.

It's like, "Oh, Shit, another damn Narcissist again", another damn grifter, another damn wolf in sheeps clothing, another mental 3 year old that can't take responsibility. It is like a zombie apocalypse. You think you have rid yourself of the toxicity, and BOOM, another 14 zombies pop up in it's place.

These toxic reckless zombies can be even the sweet grandmotherly type, so it's not like you can just pick them out of a line up.

I have no problems at all with solitude. I would rather be alone, then be destroyed by these people.

The thing that gets me is that it is MOST people, not a small minority. We are not talking imperefect human beings, we are talking deal breaking boundary crashers, with exploitative agendas.

I have trouble believing this is what humanity is mainly composed of. I really need to believe that people are mostly good in this world.

Please comment, please share your thoughts.

 

[digger]

Can you share some examples of the behaviours you're talking about that are deal breakers for you? And the boundaries you feel are being broken?

I don't believe that the majority of humanity is composed of inherently bad people. I do think everybody has their flaws and that with most people you need to employ some give and take and compromise to accept some of their flaws and have them accept some of yours.

I wonder if you're being a little too aggressive with your boundary setting maybe? Either that or you're mixing with the wrong people if everyone you meet is failing your standards.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Well, here is an example of a very recent event...
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/plea...ationships-are-too-needy-and-stressful.47031/

Another is when I went with some friends to the coast last week. This one friend kept losing her temper and would start shouting...over nothing. She was got this dog that she tries to force on us to hold (he just can't be held with a leash), and she would not leave him at the hotel, so we could only eat at outdoor places that would accept dogs. Needless to say, I don't want to be around her any more, other than very superficially.

My boyfriend comes down for 2 months. I mean, we really get along...until he starts losing his temper and start yelling over nothing. I keep telling him he is driving me away, and there IS no future, unless he gets a handle on this stupid behavior.
I mean, he is very nurturing and caring, and would give you the shirt off his back, but he has chased me away, because he doesn't think it is a big deal.This was two weeks ago. I DON'T want to be around a man who loses his shit all the time, and then minimize it. Great to talk to....by phone.

I have this other childhood friend of "gulp" 30 years. Again, we get along beautifully, until she loses her shit. Again, great at a distance, like 2500 miles, but she is alcoholic and creates a lot of her own problems. Last drama was 2 weeks ago. Been distant with that.

So I have had to cut off outright relationships that are reckless, and had to distance myself from those whom I have connection, but whose behaviors are dysfunctional.

I have a small circle of great friends, so I know somewhat healthy people exist.

Here are my written boundaries
---no liars
---no addicts
---no people who have trouble processing empathy
---no people whose behaviors are reckless
---no compulsive yellers

 

[GWhizz]

I wonder what kind of boundaries or expectations you have if you are finding people to be mostly toxic reckless boundary crashers?

I believe that you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince. But there is no such thing as perfect. Just as I expect my partner to tolerate my flaws and insensitivies, I too must accept some of his (thankfully he hasn't shown me any dealbreakers to date).

Relationships are give and take. I have a low tolerance threshold. I wonder have you tried addressing and working through breaches of your boundaries. Or is it a zero tolerance, one strike and your out kind of policy you've set up? It sounds like a defensive mechanism but not all people are intentionally trying to hurt you - people do thoughtless things without any malicious intent, sometimes oblivious to the impact it has on a more sensitive soul. My partner only recently accepted after 6 years, that when I told him not to make a particular joke around me I meant it - all this time he thought I just wasn't getting his dry humour. We also need to recognise when our defense mechanisms are no longer beneficial or when they are impeding healthy relationships.

Who knows, maybe you've just had a bad run of it and there's something in the water where you're finding these 'zombies'! Please don't give up on the good people out there. Life is all about human relationships and interactions. No matter how happy you are to be alone, you are missing out on the things that a healthy happy relationship can bring.

I really wish you all the best and hope I haven't said anything offensive. I am only going on what I've read here

 

[GWhizz]

Sorry our posts crossed

I just read your link to your other thread. I think @RussH said it best when he said your show of compassion alone will attract needy people.

I have only begun to learn to say no to people. They don't like it but they are beginning to respect it. At 1st I got the whole 'I didn't expect that from you, it's just not like you' guilt trip. But I needed to put myself 1st. You cannot love anyone else if you do not learn to put yourself 1st and so that you're strong enough and able to cope. We all have limits and I suspect you had been neglecting to protect yours until now - this will undoubtedly come as a surprise to those who have been used to being spoonfed by you

 

[maryiscontrary]

No offense at all...I really welcome feedback, and much appreciate your wisdom. This is what I go by...the feeling in my internal gut. Used to, just like most of people here, I will bite my tongue and keep it bottled up. When I did this, this is when trauma would happen. So I assert my needs nonviolently.

I use nonviolent communication techniques, learned with my therapist, to address issues that need assertiveness in a non lashing out compassionate manner. I find that most people flat out cannot listen. They WANT issues to disappear and be swept under the rug. They WANT somebody to enable them. I get flat out ignored or raged at. I think I have just been though a rotten patch of zombies.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks so much...it was just bothering me the sheer quantity of unhealthy people who pop up in my life. It is like a brain screw, you know?

 

[Aqua11]

There are definitely good people in this world :)

I'm glad you have been able to set clear boundaries for yourself, that's very important. I think sometimes we end up in relationships that don't grow with us, whether that's the trauma itself or the way in which we cope with it.

I agree with what others have said before me in this thread - relationships on the whole are a give and take - but I also think the same people will find their ways into our lives until we learn whatever that life lesson is. So it's actually less about them and more about figuring out what they are mirroring in ourselves. Whatever that is is what has made you uncomfortable.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Aqua, this is very insightful. I just can't help but think that this Bill Murray Groundhog Day type of repetition of the zombie attack is some sort of lesson, ramped up, to try to get me to learn something. I am at a loss to figure out what it is. The repetitive nature just screams that there is a lesson being thrown in my face, but I just don't know what. Maybe paying attention to very faint red flags better? More finely tuned discernment?

 

[digger]

Would it help to maybe look at them in a less extreme way? Rather than going with 'toxic reckless zombies' could they maybe just be people with their own issues/problems who you can't deal with in your life? That's okay, and I think its really good that you're setting boundaries for yourself so that youre not having to deal with behaviours that you don't want to tolerate, but I'm not sure labelling everyone who doesn't meet your standards as toxic, or in such a black and white way, is helpful to your world view.

Don't get me wrong, there are toxic people out there. But it's important to remember I think that different people make different life choices - it doesn't make them bad, it makes them different. People are at different stages in their life journeys and in their healing, someone reacts with shouting or by drinking, doesn't mean they are bad people, they just haven't found a different way yet, or aren't at a stage in their life where they are ready to. Doesn't mean you have to tolerate their behaviour either or have them in your life, but perhaps letting up on the need to label them good or bad and just accepting they have flaws that aren't ones you're willing to put up with, might help you feel less like the world is full of 'bad' people.

For someone with different boundaries, some of those people quite possibly make really good friends. You pointed out in your examples the good points in the people you are talking about after all...It's not enough for you personally, but it might be enough for them and others?

 

[digger]

What does 'have trouble processing empathy' mean? Do you mean they can't accept empathy when it's shown to them? Or that they are unable to demonstrate empathy themselves?

 

[Lucycat]

What does 'have trouble processing empathy' mean?

Yes, I must admit I was wondering the same. People on the Autism Spectrum often have no concept of empathy. It has to be taught to them that they need to consider another persons feelings as a consequence of their own actions. I was assuming perhaps these are the people she is referring to - the ones who have not yet learned the skill?