Relationship So Now We Have Concrete Plans To See Each Other But He Still Barely Talks Or Texts...

[Glara]

We are long distance and I will be flying to see him. That is my choice because of his location. We have the dates set, all I have to do is book airfare. I'm holding back because I'm not sure what to make of the situation. When we first reconnected he came on very strong, texting all day everyday, calling etc. after he fell very ill, he started to withdraw. It was when I confronted him about it that he told me about his PTSD. He's finally started texting a little more and we actually talked on the phone for the first time in months. He's still not calling and texting like he was but he has made all kinds of plans for my visit.

Does this seem unusual for PTSD? Should I worry that he won't show when I arrive? I'm just confused that he doesn't talk much anymore but is excited for me to visit. I know he hasn't been sleeping much for the past month and actually became ill again which did finally make him sleep. I don't know if this has anything to do with it. He has mentioned he needs to sleep whenever he can. I'm just trying to understand why he wouldn't be calling and texting when I know he wants me to visit.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Glara,
in short: yes, this behaviour is very "normal" for someone with PTSD. Or as I should actually say: it's very "common". Speaking for myself, I know I find it very hard to connect with people, even with those I've known and loved for years. PTSD not only takes up a lot of energy, it also alienates you from yourself and your loved ones.

I would love to have more meaningful friendships and a stronger relationship with my boyfriend, but sometimes the world just gets to be "too much" for me. I also feel guilty for being damaged and feel like my PTSD is a burden to those around me. When I'm doing well, I can be pretty happy and enthusiastic (given the circumstances). But when I've been having a lot of nightmares, flashbacks and overall stress, I feel like I'm about to 'burst' and I don't want anyone to get caught in the fire when that happens. So I isolate myself and try to get distracted until those overwhelming feeling have subsided. And then I suppress everything again and the circle starts again (no, it is not healthy at all and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but it's the truth about how I deal with my pain).

Of course, I can't speak for your man. Perhaps he has a different reason entirely. Either way, you do not have to put up with the uncertainty. If you really want to see him, even if he's a wreck, tell him. Make him confirm that he'll be there when you arrive.

You're doing a good thing by reaching out here. Wish you both the best. :hug:

 

[anthony]

He has mentioned he needs to sleep whenever he can.

This says he is highly symptomatic, and what you assume about his overall health and state, is likely far from the truth. When a sufferer needs to sleep lots, its either because they're highly depressed and thus sleep is a natural instinct for depression, or he's seeing someone else as well and his sleep, really means spending time with another (a possibility, not conclusion).

Either one... isn't good. The depression can be gotten past if that option, by when you visit and adrenaline kicks in and thus he becomes super excited about spending time with you. The problem though is that depression will return, if is the case.

I would honestly have a backup plan to exit to a neutral motel or such, if needed, and possibly a flexible return flight that you can change if he is quite ill still, and just trying to be stronger for the sake of seeing you.

I know it sounds negative, but its realistic, and that is what you have to be... realistic. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and see what comes when you get there. Both parties are obviously nervous, but willing to meet, and things may be fantastic on your arrival. If you have worst case planning, you have an escape if the former doesn't happen (happy times).

 

[Glara]

Yes I have a backup plan. One of my best friends lives there as well and she's aware of the situation. As for the sleep, he hasn't been sleeping so he says he's trying to get sleep when he can.

I'm just questioning the fact that he still seems to withdrawing, at least in comparison to how he was, but really wants me to visit. It seems contradictory, and im wondering if that's "normal" with PTSD.

Also, if it does work out and we do see each other, will he want me to talk about it? I'm not sure what's appropriate to discuss. Is it ok to ask questions? I have a million but I don't want to interrogate him. What is the best way to deal with it?

 

[anthony]

I think this will be the issue... and you're picking up on it yourself without other input. He is withdrawing, but wants to see you. That is totally normal for PTSD, and this is what I mean about not getting your hopes up, because chances are he may believe he wants you, but what PTSD will allow him, are two very different things. PTSD seems to still be controlling his life, so I'm just unsure about giving you a lot of hope beyond an initial honeymoon period. Some people really do love someone enough to fight PTSD hard, to battle it and not let it tear through their relationship, but they are very few that I've heard over the years here from people around the world. PTSD typically wins until the person has it under control. Even when under control, and I mean decent control and managed... it still cause complications in a relationship when managed extremely well, let alone highly symptomatic.

It is normal for you to have questions, and to be perfectly honest if he wants you back, then it means there is a vulnerability currently open for you where you could simply tell him you want answers to all your questions, he sits down, takes it and away you go. You may get answers to some, not others... it may take him time, he may not know some answers because he doesn't understand what is wrong with him... truly wrong with him.

Saying that... it may also overload him and he self-destructs as a result of all the questions. It is a flip of the coin, and it seems you have your eyes wide open already going into this, you have a backup plan and well... only you will be the best judge as to what to do at the given time based on what you're presented with in relation to his mood and demur.

 

[Glara]

I'm feeling more confident at this point that he'll show. He has been texting more and counting down the days etc. At the same time his texting habits are still much different than they previously were. I get the sense that he gets worried when a few hours go by that I don't text, even though he doesn't always. Kind of like he thinks I won't show, I'm not sure. Every once in a while his vulnerability shows. He also says he's still not sleeping.

It may only be a honeymoon period, but our distance doesn't allow much more than that anyway. He did talk about things we could do to change that but that's not realistic to even consider at this point.

As for asking questions, it's who I am and I know I will be asking some. I will try not ask too much, I don't want to dwell on it. I want to enjoy what limited time we may have together.

Thank you Anthony, your response was helpful. I so appreciate having a place to talk about this and ask these types of questions, and just read through the various threads. It's more helpful than anything I've read on regular information sites.

 

[anthony]

I hope things go well for you @Glara and that you both have a great time together. Everyone deserves happiness in their life IMHO.