Reliving A Trauma

[desiderata310]

No idea where this is going.

For the last few weeks I've been haven trouble sleeping in my bed so I moved to, of all places, my closet to sleep. It actually felt safer. That decision was all tied back to the feeling that I am taking up too much space.

All of this, I knew was a bit of a bad idea: one of my traumas is related to being locked in a closet by my dad with insects on me when I was a kid. That said, it was actually helping me sleep so I continued to do it until the night before last.

I woke up about 2 ish with a bug crawling on me. In a closet. In the dark and I couldn't figure out how to get out. I had a flashback. I ripped everything in the closet down in the process of trying to figure out that it wasn't a door knob to turn but rather a door to slide. At some point I calmed down enough to email my therapist about what had happened.

I stayed triggered yesterday

When school let out yesterday afternoon my daughter called and informed me that she had decided she wanted to move back to her dad's house- on the other side of the country- to finish out her senior year.

By the time I got home last night I was completely suicidal.

Going up to my room last night was a huge triggery experience and had a panic attack.

I finally texted my therapist and told him I was going to take an ativan- something I use only when things go really haywire. I wound up taking three because after 2 hours I was still wound up. -yes, my therapist is aware of how much I took. He kept in touch with me until I finally fell asleep last night.

I felt like I HAD to have permission to medicate.

This morning I'm not much better. I can't shake off the triggered feeling and to make it worse, the ANTS in my office and my house are back. I just want to cry.

 

[scout86]

That sounds HORRIBLE!

It sounds like you've done an admirable job of coping, though. Contacting your T etc. That was good thinking, I'm not sure I'd have been clear headed enough to think of that.

I've noticed you remarking about "taking up too much space" before. I kind of wrote it off to be a version of feeling not worthy of being in the world, not deserving, etc. Now I'm wondering if I was wrong and there's more to it than that. You use those exact words a lot. What does it mean to you? Where do the words come from? Are they originally your words, or someone else's? Just asking! I don't need an answer, but it might be worth looking at the answers for yourself, if you haven't.

I hope things settle down sooner rather than later! (Sounds like time to break out the ant poison! Want to trade your ants for my bat & the mouse who's apparently moved in to the kitchen?)

 

[desiderata310]

My knee jerk reaction is to say yes, I'll take the bat and mouse but then I remember having to clean up after said critters... ugh!
I've done the poison routine. The problem is that we are in the middle of a drought and the ants keep coming inside looking for water.

I'm not sure that I have been what you would call clear headed. The last couple of day have been a foggy mess.

Taking up too much space? I don't know. I was unwanted. I've always felt like I was intruding on the world. My therapist and I had a discussion the other day because he kept calling my insistence that I don't belong here a "core belief" when it's more than that; I wasn't supposed to exist. He said that he got it finally and said that for me it was just a known truth about the world. He has a theory that babies can sense when they are in utero when they are wanted and when they aren't. I wasn't. The less I intrude on the world the better off I am. I've been slowly withdrawing from everyone. I just "unfriended" and blocked my best friend. He doesn't need to be burdened by me. I concentrate on leaving as little evidence of my existence as possible. My small carbon footprint has little to do with ecology and more to do with having less impact on a world that I shouldn't be in. I've even curtailed some of my posting here to do the same.

 

[scout86]

@desiderata310 , if you managed to get through all that in a foggy state, I'm really impressed with you ability!

And, I feel your friend's pain! He ought to have a say in whether or not he's "burdened".

You may not want to hear this, but I'm firmly convinced that the world without you in it would be a lesser place! I understand being "not wanted" and also "feeling not wanted". (They aren't exactly the same.) Here's a "truth about the world". The people who didn't want you when you were a child were wrong. They also didn't deserve to have you. They obviously weren't capable of appreciating you. Their loss! Another truth is that, even if, at one time, you weren't wanted, you are very much wanted now. I can only speak for myself, but I've learned a lot from reading what you've posted here and my experience of this world would be less if you hadn't been in it. I'm glad you're here. Are you a burden? I kind of doubt it, but, if you're that sometimes, you're an asset others.

So THERE! :p

What would happen if you put out a shallow bowl of water for the ants?

I have to head for work. New client. Horrible directions to an address that doesn't exist! I think I've figured out what she meant, but I can hardly wait to see what happens next. I hope the rest of your day straightens out!

 

[desiderata310]

And, I feel your friend's pain! He ought to have a say in whether or not he's "burdened".

He won't even notice that I'm gone. We haven't spoken in weeks.

You may not want to hear this, but...

I...need to not be here now....I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry..

 

[Friday]

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

 

[Antidote]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Wish there were words to make it better

Please don't curtail your posts, this is a place where everyone has radically different stories but the affects are quite similar (although vast). I've found that even finding a post started by someone with a similar problem to the one I'm dealing with at the time is a comforting thing. It lets people know that they aren't alone in this. No one is going to be burden by your posts and I think a lot of people here find it therapeutic to try to help others here.

Unfortunately I've had to deal with moving the bed, currently sleeping in the living room after the last trigger that set me off. Maybe try one of those beeping door alarms on your bedroom door, or try sleeping with any pets you may have in the room. I've also noticed a bit of lavender (or another fragrance you might like better that's not a wake-me-up like mint) oil on my pillow helps.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry you re feeling so rotten @desiderata310 . I know it's not overly 'helpful' to say I relate, but I do. :( I get about burdensomeness & wiping out traces of ones identity, & leaving. But it's worse (the worst) during a re-living of trauma. That's the real thing to ground away from or out of.

Hugs if that's ok.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@desiderata310 I hope you're going to come back to the thread. You and I have been struggling lately. You have given me attention and advice that has really helped me. I have been seriously suicidal of late and today I feel better even though I haven't eaten or slept for days.

I have nocturnal migrations too. Spent a good deal of my childhood hiding. My family gangs up on me and my entire life with them is violence. One of my anxieties has been going to a family function. I was quite sure that I would be driving in a total panic until I found out my mother won't be there. Instant calm.

Not to sound too New Agey, but my Reiki practitioner warned me 2 weeks ago that there are solar flares happening and as a highly sensitive person she warned me to take extra care. Whatever that means. I ended up in the fetal position at my therapists yesterday. I want to drug or cut or gas whatever to stop the pain. The deep curdling psychic pain of a severely wounded child.

We didn't deserve that. We have a right to be happy just like the Constitution says. Our abusers deserve to be in jail. Seriously, if anyone knew the child abuse in my home, they would have had us removed.

Emotion regulation-the gift of the well loved. The rest of us have to learn how to regulate ourselves in a virtual vacuum. I hope you feel better soon. I like you and would miss you if you went off the group.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have written this post. I'm still too triggered from the other night for it to be any good for me to write about it.

@FridayJones I WANT to believe that but I don't. It's part of why I chose the screen name.

Everything recently has been a trigger. There's no sanctuary in my house. Just loud angry people and mess and clutter. At work it's worse because there are people and loud noises and banging and people who just walk into my space. One co-worker just walked in and shut my door. I thought I was going to have a complete meltdown. WHO DOES THAT EVEN TO NORMAL PEOPLE!?

Im sitting in the corner of the room between the bed and the wall. Almost as comforting as the damn closet Certainly smaller and easier to get out of. I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to disappear

I had been telling myself that at least I have a therapy appointment on Friday but I don't see how that's going to do any good. We've spent all this time trying to get me calmed down and nothing f*cking works. I'm wasting my therapist's time.

I'm so sorry folks. I'm so sorry I can't disappear.

 

[Friday]

I always feel so wicked embarrassed melting down. But it happens.

You're good people. I'm sure you're doing better than you think you are, and worse than anyone else knows. As you're handling things with a lot more grace & poise than you know.

One thing that helps me is knowing that this awful feeling is me fighting back. It never feels like that in the moment. It feels like I've lost. Like I'm losing my mind. Like failure. But it's not. I have lost it, categorically lost it... But I only know that after the fact. Because I no longer care. Meanwhile... all the sorry's, embarrassment, fear, and wanting to run? Wanting/ not being able to/ wanting...Are all parts of my fighting myself. Bare knuckles. Not giving in. I've lost that fight before, and it doesn't look like this. <grin> You're still fighting. Fighting and hurting, but for yourself, and that is awesome. I don't care how small that space is you've wedged yourself into. You're fighting. And that's your space. Any size or shape you want to claim. Brought in tight to protect yourself, or expanded out as far as you can see. It's okay to be a glimmer, a glint, sometimes. The rest of you hidden behind a single point. It's fiercely protective, and quite clever. IMHO it's a talent to be nurtured, not to be ashamed of.

 

[desiderata310]

You're good people. I'm sure you're doing better than you think you are, and worse than anyone else knows. As you're handling things with a lot more grace & poise than you know.

This was the first thing I read when I woke up this morning and it brought me to tears for someone to say that.
No, no one knows how bad it is in my head. I "present" to the world very well. I had a HUGE blow up with my daughter this morning where her father (who was 2000 miles away) stupidly got involved. Considering how anxious, weepy, triggered and furious I was all at the same time, I handled it as well as anyone could. This is the first time I've asked for quarter at work: I had a meeting with my boss this afternoon and without any explanation I asked to reschedule it. I just CAN'T do it today. I am so grateful that he let me off the hook.

I swear, I'm trying but everything hurts so goddamn much right now. I'm holding fast to the fact that I can see my therapist in less than 24 hours. What good will it do? None probably but it gives me something to focus on. Just like when I am running and I don't think I can go another step, I find that next tiny goal: the next light post, the next bush, the next tree... and I focus on that and make an agreement to keep running at LEAST till there. I just have to make it till 7 am tomorrow morning and THEN I can give up or not.

I know I contradict myself all the time. Hope and suicidal ideation are polar opposites. I bounce between the two hourly.