DID Dissociative identity disorder and voices

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Maybe they are having to talk about the trauma because they feel that is the only way you will accept them?

Good point. I completely freaked out (internally) this morning after reading your message because it makes so much sense. And this line rings so true. I know I need to really accept the parts and that it is really important and my therapist has told me this and we've worked on it. It's just really hard. Yesterday was a really good session for that and that's why I started asking about voices. Because if I can start to rule out the exceptions of why I can't possibly have DID, then maybe I will finally accept it. I think that's what my therapist has been doing all along, but I keep resisting. I think it's time to back up and start again. Everything you have said makes a lot of sense.

I have done some of the work you mention. My parts journal with me. I comfort at least one of my my young parts because I know she likes stuffed animals and colors so I try to let her sleep with an animal at night and whenever my boys are coloring, I let her come out to color, too. But you're right, I don't know the others enough to know what helps and to allow them the time they need. I have begun to talk to the group in certain situations and had success once recently. I just need more acceptance.

I really appreciate you sharing. I've been reading some books and talking to my therapist, but having your perspective is great!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@BlueOrange - Thanks again for responding. I definitely need to find more acceptance for and understanding of the parts. I think I am finally reaching the point where I can start to do that. Hence all the questions!

 

[DharmaGirl]

So are you aware of your other parts? I have alters, my T told me when I talk about trauma my whole persona changes. I only lose time occasionally, so he says that I don't have DID because I am aware of my parts. I'm very confused and freaked out about this. I thought I integrated my 4 year old, but she came out again. I told her she could have the therapy session to talk to our T, but she didn't say anything.

 

[amy4k]

So are you aware of your other parts? I have alters, my T told me when I talk about trauma my whole persona changes. I only lose time occasionally, so he says that I don't have DID because I am aware of my parts. I'm very confused and freaked out about this.

Losing time or amnesia is the ONE thing that differentiates DID from OSDD (DSNOS). People go into therapy at all sorts of stages of awareness. And, you can be co-conscious with alters and still have DID. I knew of one of my parts as far back as high school, most I have just learned about since my diagnosis. They say if one is still losing time than there is likely a part they don't "know".

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm learning a lot from Amy's replies, although I wasn't ready to admit it straight away. I've been quietly ashamed of one of my parts (grey) and he's forced his way to the front all week, forcing me to start to come to terms.

Sorry grey, you're right, 'forced' isn't right - you work very hard never to force anyone. The others have allowed you to the front because we can see that you won't hurt us so much. Let's not hijack this thread though. It's OK if people see you, but let's go to the diary instead of monompolizing thing here.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So are you aware of your other parts?

I am aware of my other parts. I can look back and see them throughout my life, but I didn't really understand that they were there until last fall/winter. I don't lose huge amounts of time. I can tell when a part has been out and sometimes when one is coming out, but I am not always aware of what they are doing when they're out.

 

[circe47]

This is an interesting topic. After my breakdown in the winter of 2011, I just assumed I was like everyone else. I didn't hear voices whenever I was asked at the mental health clinic. The more I read about DID, the more I am sure that this is another illness for me. I don't actually hear voices, per say, but have conversations within my head. I never understood this as DID. Now that I reflect, I see the DID. It's really weird. There are voices inside my head that have impulsive reactions to whatever situation I'm in. It goes like this:

My husband/sister/son/stranger comes along and says or does something. Inside my head, depending on the circumstance, there will be a voice that says something back, internally, according to whatever emotion is involved. For instance a stranger comes along and says to me "Smile! It's such a nice day. You should be smiling." Someone inside will say back, but not out loud, "WTF? Why don't you mind your own business. I don't want to smile. Maybe my dog died, or my best friend. Who the F--k are YOU to tell ME to smile?!!!!!!" This is NOT me. This is a reaction completely out of the norm for who I REALLY am. I am a friendly, compassionate, joy filled person. But- also, I am NOT. Or, rather, someone inside is NOT. The person inside is angry at the stranger's presumptuousness in telling me and /or judging how I am supposed to be feeling. The person inside is angry, has always been angry, has every right to be angry. As I write this, the person is getting really, really angry just thinking about others saying "have a nice day….smile!"

Another thing that happens fairly often is when the people in my life want to reminisce about the old days. A lot of times I don't remember and I get the feeling that they don't believe me. My uncle does this all the time. He wants me to laugh and recall the good old days when I was in my femme fatale, party girl twenties. Most of it I don't have a clue about other than the bad stuff I had to survive on daily basis. It's pretty hard to remember the good stuff when the bad stuff takes up most of your thoughts and focus. I can't exactly recall what, when, where when I am busy fighting off someone twice my size who is beating my head into a wall. Alas, like a lot of DID'ers, I have huge gaps in my memory throughout my life. Hell…..I have a hard time remembering to take my meds…..let alone what I did when I was whatever age.

Another strange thing is seeing myself in old pictures. I am very, very uncomfortable with this. I don't know why. It feels like I am looking at someone else…..not myself. My sister has issues with this in that when she looks in the mirror, she doesn't recognize herself. She has had her own set of traumas, BTW.

Does any of this sound like DID?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@circe47 - I can relate to the looking at pictures of myself from my childhood. I have this one picture of myself at a Christmas party and I look really, really sad. The thing is, I love Christmas parties, but when I see that picture now, I think "that is not me" and I think in truth, it's not. It's an alter. And I see pictures like that from my childhood.

If someone asks me to recall something from the past and it happened after high school, I can recall it with astonishing detail. I can often tell you what everyone was wearing, where we were standing or sitting, and what was said. I never though that was odd, but my friend would always exclaim over the detail of my memory. However, if you ask me to do the same thing about childhood, I can't necessarily do it. Some things I can remember really well, some partially, and some not at all.

 

[amy4k]

My childhood/adolescent memory is like a scaffolding. I've remember enough or heard enough through family stories that I could give an acquaintance a "story of my life", but there is no connection to most of these memories.

It's funny that my T went to the same high school I did. She was a couple of years older and we didn't know know each other, but we knew who each other were. For her, the first clue that something was different than straight PTSD was that my memory was so bad. She would talk about something that I did at a basketball game (I wasn't the one who played basketball) and I would be like "huh?" There were other things...it made her start asking questions. Apparently she knew about some of the parts even before I did. But, I have heard that is the way it goes sometimes.

Now that the other part that was out a lot during my childhood and teen years is communicating with me some of my holes are being filled in. She has been able to remind me of names and some good things that happened.

 

[circe47]

Even worse? Having your loved ones say "I miss the person that you used to be….." My mother told me recently that she misses the person that I was several years ago. Confident, funny, smart, sexy, outgoing. Sure, those things are true. But, they are also a part of a person that was "put on for show." I don't know. Maybe I just have integration issues and do not want to be sexy, outgoing, or whatever someone else wants/expects me to be. Right now? I concentrate on writing, educating myself, being a good wife and mother. I don't care to wear short skirts, high heels and a shit load of make up just to make someone else more comfortable. I am in my most natural state. I don't wear make up, I don't go socialize with people that I no longer have anything in common with, or do things just because everyone else does. I am authentic and crazy and I don't care. I'd rather go to the park and play on the swings than go drinking with the girls. I'd rather laugh and play and enjoy my boyfriend- who also happens to be a man that I've known since I was ten years old. He remembers the REAL me. The ME that was in existence before the femme fatal, career driven, live out loud woman.

I tried explaining that the "me" that everyone is used to relating to is no longer who I am. Am I just really, really good at re-inventing myself to suit the circumstance or is there something more to it? Is THAT DID? Does any of this make sense?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Apparently she knew about some of the parts even before I did.

I was talking to a close friend recently about DID and she said "Is that why when you would give a nasty look to (other friends) you would deny having done that and seem to have no memory of it?" And I guess that's probably true. I am sure she could identify a couple of my parts before I did because she's asked similar questions as well. It's strange to look back on things and realize now that my alters were so active before I even knew they existed.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Am I just really, really good at re-inventing myself to suit the circumstance or is there something more to it? Is THAT DID? Does any of this make sense?

I think that sometimes life events (not just trauma events) can change people. I think that the "true" you can come out or back out. None of us will be able to answer if it's DID, but if you're concerned and still have your therapist, definitely ask about it again. I think it can make sense to go through the changes you described even without DID, but I don't know all the details and I am definitely not an expert or trained professional. I can say that trying to figure things out is a long path.