Grad School With Ptsd

[passerine]

I'm in a tough spot and could really use some support right now. Classes just started, work is picking up, and I'm set to start an internship in the near future. It all feels like too much too fast. I am anxious and overwhelmed and my twice weekly appointments with my therapist (with some contact in between meetings) don't feel like enough to keep me feeling grounded and safe. I am really scared to commit to everything I have going on and want to back out for fear that I'll dissociate and / or have a flashback while in the company of others.

My program of study was supposed to be three years, which would make this my final year as I have already (miraculously) completed two. But, due to three hospitalizations and having to take a medical leave last year, I was withdrawn from my internship and have to do an additional year in the program. This means I am entering my second to last year now and I am feeling really discouraged and behind. Here I am in my early thirties taking classes and trying to hold down a job and just barely holding it together. I feel so ashamed.

Can anybody relate? I'm going back to my university's disability services to have some accommodation letters written for my professors this semester (my disability has already been documented), which should help, but there is a part of me that is seriously debating taking more time off because my PTSD symptoms are interfering with my ability to do the work that is required of me. At the same time, though, I know that I would feel worse off about myself if I didn't complete my program in the amount of time that I have set for myself.

What do you do as a grad student with PTSD? How do you stay present in classes and at work? Are you open with your professors and supervisors to get the support that you need? I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here; I just want to know that I'm not alone in this and what has helped others in a similar situation.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Chosen]

I'm not a grad student, but a senior undergrad right now. I guess I'm wondering what kind of program you're in--is it counseling, social work, or psychology? I think the standards/rules will be different for those topics as opposed to, say, history or biology, etc.

I would suggest doing part-time this semester rather than full-time. Can you afford to not work?

I have accommodations through the university so I have preferential seating in classrooms and my professors understand my needing to leave the classroom if I am triggered. I've found everyone to be incredibly understanding about it. I usually don't bring it up unless I feel I need to.

 

[passerine]

Thanks for your reply, @Noah.

Actually, I'm in a counseling program. You're right that the sandards/rules are different from other areas of study in that most people in the program are sensitive to mental health issues and the fact that many people going into the field have their own struggles ("wounded healers" as they are affectionately called). That fact maybe makes things a little bit easier, but at the same time it can be very triggering too.

My professors have been really understanding thus far, but I don't know how much is too much to ask in terms of accommodations, and I'm nervous about disclosing to my supervisors at my internship especially. It's a tough balancing act to be caring for oneself while also trying to care for others and to remain professional while also trying to stay grounded and present.

Unfortunately, in order to keep my insurance through the school I have to be taking nine credits (three classes), which is full-time. I looked into an insurance waiver to purchase my own, but it's much more expensive, and I really need to keep what I have so that I can continue with my treatment team whom I've been seeing for the last two years. I can afford to work part-time, which is good, but it's still a lot on top of classes and internship. I mean, part-time work plus the internship is basically full-time work (only half of which I'm getting paid for). Frustrating!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hi @passerine I went back to college when I was 45 and very sick from a tragic chemical injury at work. I was massively depressed and PTSD. For me, school was a sanctuary. Even though I've had PTSD my whole life, once missing three months of high school due to depression, school was my escape from a violent family. All the self esteem I had was due to success in school. As sick as I was, I maintained a 4.0 GPA. I loved being distracted from the racing, triggering ruminations of my mind. I worked at a garden center but eventually quit it due to my chemical sensitivities.
Is there a way for you to reframe your outlook in terms of the positive outcomes you get for a job well done? Could you add some energy/body work like yoga to soften the rough edges of your psyche? Take a vacation from the trauma crap.? It will wait to be dealt with later. I read in the tone of your post that you are overwhelmed, which I completely relate to. This is when it would benefit you to actively use your time management skills.
Can you schedule yourself a nap every day? Just a break from the minutiae of life. Maybe run your studies on a schedule that specifically gives you a two hour break every day. And use that time to relax and recharge. My PTSD acts up from time to time and I am barely functional. I was taught by my therapist to take a nap every day and it really helps. I can't work 40 hours a week, I get fatigued. As a counselor you can pretty much work when and how much. It's the getting there that is so time consuming.
Seriously, get a day timer calendar at Staples and make a schedule that you can see in living color and also see that you have down time. That was the advice I was given and 15 years later I still schedule my nap.
I admire you for all you have accomplished while struggling with PTSD. It's ok if you need an extra year. You are very young still, be kind to yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That's all old tapes running in your mind that were planted by someone else.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I have a graduate degree that I got while working and raising two kids on my own, so I can be done, but at what cost is the big question. I think it may be harder for you because you are going for your degree in mental health, whereas my degree is an MBA with an emphasis/concentration in Healthcare Management.

I image working on a mental health degree while battling PTSD can be very triggering, but look how far you have come already! If you look back at everything you have accomplished to get to this point in your education, maybe that can give you the little push to see that you are so close to being done. At the same time, keep reminding yourself that your health is just as important and you have to take extra care to keep from getting so overwhelmed that you give up.

It looks like you have the support you need and the drive to succees, just go easy on yourself and remember, you're almost done!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There is no such thing as asking for too many accomodations. Either your doctor supports the accommodation based on your symptoms or he doesnt. Disability services should have gone over all of this with you.

 

[joeylittle]

there is a part of me that is seriously debating taking more time off because my PTSD symptoms are interfering with my ability to do the work that is required of me. At the same time, though, I know that I would feel worse off about myself if I didn't complete my program in the amount of time that I have set for myself.

How deep into the semester can you get before you'd need to take a medical leave? I don't think it's bad to challenge yourself with school, especially since you are in a field that is related. I'm just wondering if you can give yourself a few weeks to see how you do before you have to make a decision. It's always tough getting into the routine, but things can get easier once you are motoring along.

Also - are you comfortable with the head of your program or some other tenured professor? They can be a great resource to bounce ideas off of that are specific to your program and options.

 

[desiderata310]

I JUST finished a program that was to take three years. I had to drop out for a year and a half. It took me a total of 5 years to finish. I'm 41. This is your journey. Don't compare yourself against anyone else. Above all, go easy on you. You have what equates to a huge mill stone of PTSD which make just THINKING hard.

I told my advisor that I was going through some REALLY hard stuff and she ran interference for me. I was never looking for an excuse and I made sure she knew that but I also made certain that she knew that I was going to have difficulty with completing things as a result. She really made the difference and she is one of a very few people I thanked in my paper.

Long story short, you can do this.

I agree that there is a great deal of peace to be found in the work. I am a little lost without the paper to concentrate on now.

 

[passerine]

Thanks for your replies, @KwanYingirl, @Ghostybear73, @Solara, @joeylittle, and @desiderata310.

It's good to know that others have been successful in completing their degrees while dealing with PTSD. Classes can definitely serve as a distraction from the intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and depression, and I have actually found a lot of them to be therapeutic. I'm lucky in that my program is very introspective and focuses a lot on self-care. It's actually expressive therapies in counseling, which means that I get to play a lot and am learning a lot of new skills in the process.

Funny that you mention adding yoga to my schedule because I somehow managed to carve out some time on Tuesday and Thursday evenings to do a trauma sensitive yoga group, which I think will help manage some of my symptoms. As for taking a vacation from the trauma crap, well, that part is hard. I'm in pretty intensive therapy at the moment and my classes and internship are basically a land mine (although there are many branches to the field and it's not all triggering). Even so, just being so busy with classes and work/internship brings on symptoms, so being able to take breaks is very important. I will definitely get a day calendar and try to work in some time to rest and practice my grounding skills.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I do feel like I have a lot of support within my program and especially with my therapist, and I've told myself that while school is very important and a priority in my life, therapy and self-care come first. This means that I have worked my appointments around my classes and internship and if I need to take a day off or schedule an additional appointment I will.

Good point about accommodations. My therapist wrote a very extensive letter to disability services at my university expressing his concern that I would not be able to complete the program if these accommodations (i.e. extra time on assignments, ability to leave class if triggered, etc.) are not met. He is very supportive, and so are my professors for the most part. But no one can be helpful if I'm not open about my needs.

I'm not sure how far into the semester I can get before needing to take a medical leave. Last semester I was pulled from my internship, but I somehow managed to complete my classes (though I missed a few). I don't think it would be possible to take a leave of absence from classes once the add/drop period is over. I am pretty comfortable with the head of my program, and my academic adviser is already aware of some of what I am going through. I just need to have conversations with each of my professors and with my supervisors, which makes me nervous.

Thank you again for your replies everyone! As hard as this is, one thing I keep telling myself is that someday, if I make it through this, I am going to be such a force in the field as survivor and someone who has lived experience with trauma and mental illness.

 

[Samantha_38]

I have not read the other posts just your initial one. I am a grad student too and have a test to study for tomorrow, this just popped up as I came on to check my notifications.

I find school is a good get away from the rest of my life. My grad school is also 3 years, I just started after graduation with my bachelor's last spring, with clinical time and I have 2 kids so I know how crazy it can be! I do dissociate in class often, especially around certain topics. Sometimes obvious things give me images and some dissociation, sometimes not so obvious. I also find I can get quite irritated with other students talking/complaining about what I would consider a very minor thing. It's hard to remember not everyone has gone through everything I have. My instructors do not know, partially because I just started, but I never told any of my undergrad instructors either. There's actually about 5 people total who know what happened to me, and I'd say probably only 2 of them know any sort of detail.

School takes me away, homework keeps my mind off of it for the most part, but it's also very hard to fake things all of the time. I never used to realize how hard it is to fake being fine, but now I feel it more and more. I definitely remove myself from situations where there's going to be people talking about things that bug me, and as far as grounding goes I just put extra focus and absolutely everything class related. A lot of time I overload myself by pushing myself to know the answers in my own head, and know the material so well that when the instructor talks I could actually take everything a step further, so I do that while he/she is talking. I also take notes, even though many times I don't need to, it helps me to focus on the writing.

I'd say if you feel like you have too much drop the unnecessary things first and then worry about others. Try to do something for yourself, which is extremely hypocritical of me because I almost never do, but I've heard it helps. Also just do your best, it sounds like your instructors are pretty understanding so use that too.

 

[passerine]

Thanks for your reply, @Samantha_38.

School has always been a kind of refuge for me. Growing up, it was a good escape from my tumultuous home life, and my school work was a good distraction from everything else that was going on. It's different now that I'm an adult and I'm safe, but I still consider school work to be a really good tool to occupy my mind and distract me from (PTSD) intrusive thoughts, etc. It's tough now with this disorder getting in my way -- the dissociation makes remembering material very challenging, and a lot of the material itself is loaded with triggers. I, too, get frustrated with my classmates sometimes and have to remember that not everyone has gone through trauma like I have.

Unfortunately, at this point I don't think that I can drop anything. The good news is that one of the classes I'm taking is being audited, which means I don't have to do all the work, and another one of the classes is an elective that I think is going to teach me some new skills that will be really helpful in my own personal healing. The other good thing is that my internship is slow to start, so I have some time to adjust to taking classes again before I start. This morning I worked out my schedule to fit in some necessary time for self-care, which should help.

I'm still feeling really overwhelmed, but I'm grateful that I have been able to carve out the time to do the yoga support group on and continue to see my therapist twice a week.

 

[Samantha_38]

@passerine - I can't tell you how much you sound like me. My house growing up was quite difficult as well. I always found "refuge" in school, to the point I hated winter (and other) breaks. I'm actually nervous to be done with school, because it's always been my way out.